Category Archives: Silliness

And The Winner Is……..

Oh thank goodness… Mr Devine has written this post for me, which is a summary of the best captions left for the legendary Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts competition, and reads as follows…

So many great captions! I think they’re all fabulous – especially one or two that probably aren’t captions – here are some of my favourites so far (not that my opinion means anything, of course):
Batarde’s “Nice boots and sofa.” – I imagine it said like Worf does, HERE

Norma(n)’s “Why would I want anything from someone who gives enemas to their xmas ornaments before storing them?”

lisleman’s “Scarlet taps into her secret cache of Cognac.”

Maddie’s “This will only be a small prick, I promise.”

Rimpy’s “These damned vape pens are so hard to refill!” (And I LOVE “Dr Scarlet Jinglepants”!)

and Savvy’s “Scarlet, so lithe, winsome, and delicate had to resort to using her hiking boots and dog to avoid sliding off her fabulous furry sofa whilst wearing the World Famous Freaking Green Elf Shorts which are made from the finest polyester velvet!”

You have your work cut out for you, Ms Scarlet. I’m so excited to find out where the Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts will end up next!

Well, Mr Devine, the wait is over!!! I am boxing the shorts up as I type [no mean feat], and collecting other bits of British tat treasure from around the house to send on to Mistress Maddie!!!!!!! I might even include a frozen Codfangler!!!!

CONGRATULATIONS MISTRESS MADDIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My question is: Does Mistress Maddie ever do small pricks????

How Maddie might look in the FGES!

*BTW, My favourite Mr Devine caption was:- ‘Desperate for a wee – and using the Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts to soak up any unintended leakages – Ms Scarlet applies the final speck of glitter to her artisinal Christmas bauble that she started making six months ago. She should finish the set of six by 2024…’

**AND, even though Mr Devine wrote most of this post I still had to do all the links, and I am very tired now.

Resolution no.1 – Get rid of THE SHORTS.

Happy New Year!!!!! And welcome to THE FREAKIN’ GREEN ELF SHORTS COMPETITION!!!!!!

A rough guide to the competition:-

The legend of the FGES [Freakin’ Green Elf shorts] began in Ohio, USA in 2004 when Andrea Knapp (a British ex-pat) bought a pair of novelty Elf Shorts for her husband George as a gag gift. For a laugh, Andrea took a photograph of George wearing the shorts and posted the pic on her blog. Andrea then decided to turn it into a caption competition, not thinking ANYONE would want to win them…. and the rest is Blogging history.

The general idea of the ‘Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts’ Caption Competition is to post a photo of yourself on your blog, wearing THE SHORTS.

Whoever comes up with the best caption wins THE SHORTS.

The current holder of THE SHORTS then sends the winner THE SHORTS and a few souvenirs from their country.

A definitive history of THE SHORTS can be found HERE. Many thanks to Rimpy for this incredibly detailed history!

So, without further ado, here is my photograph for you to caption…..

You have until Saturday 15th January 2022 to caption the photograph by leaving a comment on this post with your entry. The winner will be announced on Sunday 16th January 2022 [GMT].

GOOD LUCK!!!!

How to write a blog post….

I had lost my memory. AGAIN. Appalling. I had forgotten that I was an artistic genius of unparalleled proportions; that I was from a tiny village called Mogwash; and that my most recent artworks were made from vintage ephemera and ripped up books – but worst of all, I’d forgotten that I was the highly intelligent, yet modest author, of the much loved Wonky Words blog.

Months had gone by without me writing so much as a note to the bin men [I often do as I like to explain things]. The notion of writing a blog post felt heavy on my shoulders, and, I’d forgotten how. One voice in my head said: Just slap up some photos. Another said: Rehash a post from 1957. Voice 46 said: You’ll be fine, start typing and something will turn up. Voice 209 started having a row with voice 19 and I couldn’t make sense of what they were saying at all – perhaps something about putting things on chairs? Trampolines?? No idea.

Thankfully, it appeared that during October/November I had completed a couple of collages, and several photographs of these were languishing in my photo file….

collage-calligraphy-uk

collage-and-calligraphy

I’d also been busy turning my studio into a fairy grotto…

fairy-lights-and-rag-curtains-uk

…and observing hedgehogs interacting with fawns….

…and making demons for a Halloween gardening event.

I had obviously been very busy indeed. But something was nagging at me, I had forgotten something important. My knee twitched, and then I remembered….

*To be continued.

*I will set an alarm to remind me.

Here are the Answers…..

Yep. Here are THE answers to the Quickwits quiz from the previous post….

As before, click to make enormous.

Well, that’s a bit dull isn’t it?! I think everyone who guessed, guessed correctly. And some even guessed better than correctly. So now I am here twiddling my thumbs with nothing much more to say about 1938.

To make it up to you I will give you some more answers, only this time you have to make up the questions! Yay! It’s party central here! I PROMISE that there are actual questions to these answers, and they are not just random words, names, and numbers that I’ve made up off the top of my head. PROMISE, PROMISE, PROMISE. I have turned over a new leaf. Well, I have this week.

Here are some more answers:-

1) 1981

2) A seal

3) Hacking computers

4) Sophia Loren

5) Sheep

6) 1974

There, that should do. Two of the questions are tricky, BUT, someone will know them. Oh, final answer:-

7) No.

I’m sure EVERYONE will know the question to that one – he asked it so often.

Notes to Self…. [A pertinent list featuring Aidan Turner]

1) Write a blog post before the end of June.

2) Reply to comments of previous blog post.

3) Think about strong language. Strong language is defined as swearing – surely it isn’t strong at all? It is lazy, easy, weak? Surely it is stronger to find more meaningful words rather than to rely on a predictable fuck? I mean, who wants a predictable fuck?

4) Do some calligraphy. Do I really want to do more calligraphy? If I make a point of giving it up then maybe I’ll be desperate to do it?

5) Take another photo of a pile of read books on a chair.

6) Try to decimate Mr Devine’s sideboard with a giant picture of Aidan Turner. I don’t think my method works anymore, but at least I can have a picture of Aidan Turner on my blog.

7) Why hasn’t Aidan Turner been considered as the next James Bond/Dr Who/presenter of The One Show – write to the relevant organisations and suggest his inclusion on their shortlists.

8) Cut toe nails.

9) Think about 1938.

10) Publish this list as a blog post – but isn’t that cheating a little?

A Book on a Chair….

…and so I decided that I wasn’t going to write another post until I finished the book that I began reading way back HERE. Honestly, I have never taken so long to finish a very good book, but 2020 happened and proved to be something of a distraction.

Middle England

Chapter 26 provides a laugh out loud moment. And there is also a peripheral character with a penchant for calligraphy. But mostly it’s about the past that never was, and the impossible dreams we weave for a future knitted with nostalgia. Oh, and there might be some talk of Brexit. I loved it – Jonathan Coe at his best. I wonder if he’ll write a book about the pandemic? I hope so.
As you can see the chair has moved into the kitchen. Gripping stuff – well, I had to do something during lockdown.

Meanwhile, huge excitement!!! I have some garden pics!!!!! I actually managed to take a pic of the blossom on my cherry tree before it all fell off.

Cherry Blossom

Yes, there is Sid in the background. AND, I found a filter especially designed for estate agents on my iPad…

Estate Agent Filter

…which makes my garden look about ten times bigger than it actually is. Yay! I have extensive grounds!

Finally, I have some pics of flowers to pretty up my blog a little…

Flowers

Flowers

Next time: A dubious sod; a wax effigy; a bad knee; a decision to be made; and the tale of the woebegone soul. And maybe some more flowers.