Category Archives: Silliness

Life in the fast lane….

Who would have thought that purchasing a new bath mat could be so complicated, and that it would lead to me trawling through online dictionaries, wasting hours of time, when I could have been soaking in a…er… hot bath. It all started at Boots.com [the UK department store, which sells lotions and potions and all things smelly… talking of smelly, Mr Beastie has briefly resurfaced] whereupon I entered the words ‘bath’ and ‘mat’ in the search box.

Please see exhibit A – click to make big.

stupid algorithm

Exhibit A

‘Did you mean to search for Bath Mat? Showing results for ‘max”, replied Boots.com. BUT I DID SEARCH FOR BATH MAT, I howled at the screen. I looked at the search box carefully. I scrutinised it, perhaps I’d typed in ‘enormous maximus’ by mistake as I am wont to do. It seems that Boots were not used to me enquiring about anything so prosaic as a bath mat. Why was I not indulging myself with cosmetics and tooth whitener as I usually do? Boots obviously thought it knew me better.

Please see exhibit B – click to make big.

stupid algorithm

Exhibit B

I then had a brain wave, perhaps ‘bath mat’ is all one word… et voilà…. I found the virtual bathmat aisle. So I thought: fair enough, now I know that bathmat is one word…. but of course I had to check AND ALL THE DICTIONARIES DISAGREE. *WordPress doesn’t seem to like it; my Apple dictionary says NO. My Collins Gem dictionary has no trace of ‘bathmat’. Google seems confused. I am none the wiser…. but does it really matter? Who cares how it’s spelt, all that matters is that I don’t slip in the bath and bruise my buttocks whilst taking a shower. I CARE. I BLOODY CARE. WHO AM I KIDDING TO SAY THAT I DON’T???????????? I WANT A DEFINITIVE ANSWER AND I WANT IT NOW. AND IF BATHMAT IS TWO WORDS I CAN WRITE TO BOOTS AND TELL THEM THEY ARE WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. WHAT RIGHT HAVE THEY GOT TO BASTARDISE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE FOR THE SAKE OF THEIR NONSENSICAL STUPID FRUSTRATING STUPID DAFT BUGGERING ALGORITHMS?????

…and breathe. Life has been a tad stressful lately. I will now log off and feed the dog.

*To be fair, WordPress doesn’t seem keen on ‘Bastardise’ and ‘Buggering’ either, so it doesn’t know everything.

When I grow up….

Before I continue with all things bottled I have a question: Who did you expect to be when you grew up? As a child I took it as read that I would grow up to be a sophisticated middle-aged woman who would travel the world wearing top of the range frocks from House of Fraser and make polite conversation, late into the night, with the occasional French gentleman. I believed my future would look something akin to this……

If this was not to be then I at least expected dinner party invitations for every night of the week so that I could stuff my face with After Eight mints whilst wearing the aforementioned top of the range frock, although perhaps something more slutty from Debenhams or British Home Stores [RIP]……

In a nutshell I expected a glittering, glamorous future, full of fancy frocks, and worthy enough to merit a pithy voiceover. When the transition from eating fish finger sandwiches from a tray on my lap in front of the telly to being an internationally adored lady of leisure with an inexhaustible expense account would happen I didn’t know, but happen it would. Only it didn’t. I am still waiting.

The problem is that the future I imagined is impossible because this future is very much set in the past. I was set up for disappointment the moment these adverts hit my TV screen. Did anyone ever live like this? In any case, the dinner parties I have attended have had more in common with this…

No fancy frocks, just best jeans and a paper napkin to protect a nice top from gravy staining. Sigh. Obviously I was a gullible child when I was suckered by these adverts, although in fairness, I was more taken with the lifestyles promoted than the actual products; we always had After Eights at Christmas and we were allowed to eat them for breakfast whilst wearing pyjamas.
Anyhow, before I get on with my bottle project let us return to my question: Who, or how, did you expect to be when you grew up? I am not expecting anyone to be as shallow as me, hopefully you all aspired to greater things than living life in an advertisement for After Eight.

Blurry Pics and Poo Bags

As promised for this Monday morning I bring you a picture of some cows….

Another-field-in-Devon-uk

Morning Walk

I am not brilliant at photography, and, to be honest, due to the way the light was hitting the screen on my phone I had absolutely no idea how this picture was going to come out, all I could see was black, so I aimed the camera in the general direction of the cows and hoped for the best. Agreed, it may be a little blurry but this is because I had Sid tugging on the end of a lead causing me to wobble and the freshly used poo bag to bounce against my thigh – oh the glamour!
Anyhow, to prove that the cows are in the picture I have a cropped image for your perusal.

cows-in-devon-field-august-2017

Cows

For your interest, my house is behind the tree on the left.

Tomorrow: Incontinence Pads – Who Should Pay??? A nitty-gritty exposure on the horrors of being a resident in a British nursing home.

Once in a Blue Moon

I have decided that in the interests of my ever diminishing blogging tribe that I will blog on a daily basis. Yes, get up off the floor, you read that right. Yes, Ms Scarlet, the blogger who turns up once every three months, waves her knickers in the air, types three lines of nothingness then buggers off into the sunset, is committing to being a daily blogger.

Why? Because I think it was/is the regular bloggers who kept us all going…. bloggers such as The Mistress. I am not saying that I will write anything interesting…. there might be a picture of a cow one day, some udders the next…. maybe a steaming cow pat now and then…. but it will be a blog where there is always something – however silly and irrelevant. Anyhow this is my plan.

I will leave you to ponder this earth shattering, faintly terrifying news and leave you with a tune…. a tune that always makes me think of Mr Coppens.

Empire of the Sun 'We are the People' from Josh Logue on Vimeo.

Ms Scarlet Blue is unwell…..

I interrupt the smooth running of this Blog to bring you news of recent inactivity. I have a snotty nose, and a very bad back. Admittedly the very bad back is improving, but the snotty nose is something new and exciting for this Monday morning.
Last week I was mainly taking Ibuprofen and practicing a correct sitting position. I was in high spirits, which was odd considering the pain was not completely relieved by the medication, so I said to a friend: how come I’m in such a good mood when I take Ibuprofen? What’s that all about? I Googled, and yes, there seems to be evidence to suggest that Ibuprofen does indeed improve mood [see HERE if you are interested] and I considered taking Ibuprofen regularly. But hang on a minute…. being in pain etc, etc, I thought it would be sensible to visit the doctor….to cut a waffle into a chip…. Ibuprofen also raises blood pressure, so possibly not the feel good drug of choice after all. My blood pressure has now returned to normal and I will stick to Champagne and Port if I want a mood boost.

Sid, the dog, is well, thank you for asking, and here are my exotic soggy bloomers as promised….

garden-shrub-devon

Soggy Bloomers

I have no idea what this shabby shrub is, but I like it. Identification welcome.

Meanwhile, huge THANK YOUS to my blog friends Mr Devine, Ms Mistress, and Dinah for putting a huge SMILE on my face last Thursday. AND, Mr Devine even sent me a card….

Cormorants!!

….and a golden gown!!!

Golden Dress!!!

Apologies for my rough sketching…. I am no good at hands and if I tried to draw the arms and head properly I would end up sobbing, thus blocking my nose up even more, and this post would not get published.

For my next post I will talking about perfume. Or perhaps something else, I am not sure. There will probably be more pictures too. Pamela Anderson will not be invited.

Thank you for your interest.

Sx

Fuzzy, Big, and Swinging

Yesterday I had a glance at my old blog and was distraught to discover that many of the YouTubes I had embedded into my posts were no longer available to view. Some of the adverts were no longer available due to breach of copyright….Ppfftttt! My poor old blog!! It now makes even less sense than it did before.

Anyhow, I came across this old post from 2009…. the video had gone but the comments were intriguing…. comments such as: With a bulge like that it can only be an advert for Hannigan’s Truss Boutique from Kevin Musgrove. I decided that it was imperative to trawl through YouTube to find a replacement copy of the video. This is the best I could find…. it’s even fuzzier than ever…. now he looks like he’s wearing no pants at all…but we still have the daring use of a light fitting to admire…