Tag Archives: Mr Devine

When Worlds Collide and a Pair of Striped Tights

Iwoke up again. Not only was I still a failure, but now I was a failure surrounded by unfamiliar voices. Maybe I hadn’t woken up at all, I really wasn’t sure. My garret appeared to be filled with a haze of sparkling Champagne bubbles that were emanating from a jolly Australian lady who seemed to be using them as a means of communication with an assistant called Muriel. I shrugged – I mean why not? At some point in the future Champagne’s bUbbles would rival Apple’s iPhone – I knew that.

A nice hazy picture to break up a huge swathe of text.

Moving on [as swiftly as possible], I realised that the other unfamiliar voice belonged to Mr Devine; a dead giveaway was his broad Norfolk accent. He was very tall, and took up too much room. He looked a bit cross, and this crossness seemed to be directed at me. He was ranting about the RHS, and a cease and desist notice, or some such; he was going a bit pink and puffy in the face, but thankfully my faithful hound, Sid, calmed him down with some gentle sniffing and a few adoring looks, which Mr Devine fell for because he crouched down to Sid’s level and stopped taking up so much space.

Finally I could talk eye to eye with Dinah, the jolly Australian lady with the twinkly blue eyes; she informed me that she had all the empty bottles I could possibly need to carry on with my bottled art project. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude that I flung my arms around her, which was somewhat uncharacteristic of me. My happiness was swiftly dampened when I noticed her kindly face clouded by a frown.
“What?” I asked.
“The cost of delivering the bottles from Ausland to the UK may be prohibitive.”
Dinah stood in the middle of the garret with one hand on her hip clutching an extended wand, whilst the other held her chin as if deep in thought.
“I’ve got it!”, she exclaimed, “Jon would be the cheaper option!”

“Aaaaaaiiiiiiieeeeeeee!” Howled Mr Devine from his crouched position. He appeared to be grappling with my drapes and pulled one down into a heap on the floor.
“Oi, watch the drapes!” I shouted.
“Oh don’t mind him,” said Dinah, “he’s got a problem with the cute blackbird that’s perched on your crate, none of us can remember why so we humour him.”
Much to my surprise Dinah pulled down my other drape and used it to cover Mr Devine’s shaking limbs.
“It’s okay, Mr D,” soothed Dinah, gently patting Mr Devine’s back, “you stay under here and Sid will stand guard and protect you should Beaky try to attack.” Dinah rolled her eyes and then winked at me as Beaky the Blackbird flew out the window and back to Norfolk.

Sid, taking his job of guarding Mr Devine very seriously.

“Doesn’t he scream like a girl?” a new voice observed, a little later than expected.
“Your timing is a bit off,” I shouted into the bUbble Haze™, “he screamed about 5 minutes ago.”
Ms Mistress?” Said a drape muffled voice.
A pair of red and black striped tights appeared from the bUbble Haze™ and dangled above us, jigging lightly from foot to foot.

“Who’s this?” I mouthed to Dinah.
Mistress MJ, from Canada.” Replied Dinah, mouthing back.
“I can see you,” said the tights in a slow, cool, Canadian accent, “I would join you, but Ms Scarlet’s keyboard is too grubby, and too riddled with germs for me to be typed into this blog post so I have sent a representation of myself. Ms Scarlet, if you could please sanitise your immediate environment then I will be able to appear in all my glory.”

I winced. Cleaning my keyboard, and garret, to Mistress MJ’s exacting standards would take over 23 years to achieve, and I did not have 23 years to spare. I needed the empty bottles for my art, so, at my peril, I ignored Mistress MJ’s request.

“Dinah, where can I find this Cheap Jon fellow?” I whispered.
“*Sarf London,” Dinah whispered back, “you can’t miss him, he has an award winning back passage. God’s speed Ms Scarlet, good luck, and don’t worry about the cleaning, I’ll get Mr Devine to do it.”

Dinah and I clasped our little fingers together, tapped our right heels 5 times, and then I was away on my adventure, with my trusty hound, Sid, at my heels, and with no worries about domestic chores – I trusted Dinah to make everything spic’n’span.

“STOP HER!!!” Shrieked Mr Devine…..

*Incorrect location due to data privacy laws, and also artistic licence.

To be continued over the cusp.

A Realm Beyond Comprehension and a Shortish List

Iawoke realising that I had failed. Not only had I failed in my mission to become an internationally acclaimed artist with medals and an OBE, but I had also failed in my attempt to achieve world peace.

‘There is still time.’ Whispered a distant voice from a realm beyond comprehension.
‘You’re optimistic,’ I replied, strangely unperturbed by this new aural phenomenon, ‘my deadline is 21st November 2045, I only have 23 years and a bit and then the crowds will descend on Mogwash village hall expecting some kind of spectacle/experience/miracle/wonderment/world peace/artistic extravaganza [delete as applicable].’

The distant voice offered no further advice so I heaved myself out of bed and decided that today would be the day that I would start to get things done. I had to be positive, I had been dribbling stupor for long enough, and maybe the distant voice had a point – there was time – so I washed, dressed, ate a bowl of gruel, and hauled myself up to my garret at the bottom of the garden.

My garret was much as I left it, though a bit more dusty. On my desk was a list [please see exhibit A]

After removing a pile of books from my chair, I sat, and tried to gaze out the window – I couldn’t, it was far too grubby so I added ‘clean window’ to the list.
It appeared that I had my work cut out, or at least written down. But there was something I’d forgotten – something very important, and I swear I could hear the words: Did I win yet? being typed on a keyboard. My reverie was interrupted when I felt a cool presence brush against my left elbow, and from the sound of glass bottles rattling in a cardboard crate. This was all rather startling, but even more so because of the Blackbird  standing on the bottles with its wings outstretched in a cormorant pose, as if perched on a groyne. There was only one thing I could do in the face of such terrorism, I passed out, hitting my head on my desk as I slowly slumped to the floor.

To be continued over the cusp.

And The Winner Is……..

Oh thank goodness… Mr Devine has written this post for me, which is a summary of the best captions left for the legendary Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts competition, and reads as follows…

So many great captions! I think they’re all fabulous – especially one or two that probably aren’t captions – here are some of my favourites so far (not that my opinion means anything, of course):
Batarde’s “Nice boots and sofa.” – I imagine it said like Worf does, HERE

Norma(n)’s “Why would I want anything from someone who gives enemas to their xmas ornaments before storing them?”

lisleman’s “Scarlet taps into her secret cache of Cognac.”

Maddie’s “This will only be a small prick, I promise.”

Rimpy’s “These damned vape pens are so hard to refill!” (And I LOVE “Dr Scarlet Jinglepants”!)

and Savvy’s “Scarlet, so lithe, winsome, and delicate had to resort to using her hiking boots and dog to avoid sliding off her fabulous furry sofa whilst wearing the World Famous Freaking Green Elf Shorts which are made from the finest polyester velvet!”

You have your work cut out for you, Ms Scarlet. I’m so excited to find out where the Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts will end up next!

Well, Mr Devine, the wait is over!!! I am boxing the shorts up as I type [no mean feat], and collecting other bits of British tat treasure from around the house to send on to Mistress Maddie!!!!!!! I might even include a frozen Codfangler!!!!

CONGRATULATIONS MISTRESS MADDIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My question is: Does Mistress Maddie ever do small pricks????

How Maddie might look in the FGES!

*BTW, My favourite Mr Devine caption was:- ‘Desperate for a wee – and using the Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts to soak up any unintended leakages – Ms Scarlet applies the final speck of glitter to her artisinal Christmas bauble that she started making six months ago. She should finish the set of six by 2024…’

**AND, even though Mr Devine wrote most of this post I still had to do all the links, and I am very tired now.

Here are the Answers…..

Yep. Here are THE answers to the Quickwits quiz from the previous post….

As before, click to make enormous.

Well, that’s a bit dull isn’t it?! I think everyone who guessed, guessed correctly. And some even guessed better than correctly. So now I am here twiddling my thumbs with nothing much more to say about 1938.

To make it up to you I will give you some more answers, only this time you have to make up the questions! Yay! It’s party central here! I PROMISE that there are actual questions to these answers, and they are not just random words, names, and numbers that I’ve made up off the top of my head. PROMISE, PROMISE, PROMISE. I have turned over a new leaf. Well, I have this week.

Here are some more answers:-

1) 1981

2) A seal

3) Hacking computers

4) Sophia Loren

5) Sheep

6) 1974

There, that should do. Two of the questions are tricky, BUT, someone will know them. Oh, final answer:-

7) No.

I’m sure EVERYONE will know the question to that one – he asked it so often.

Happy Birthday, Mr Devine!!!

Where have I been? Why have I not posted since the last time I posted? I have been….. incapacitated. I had my vaccine shot last Saturday, and have been very sleepy ever since. To be fair, I often sleep through March and April, so maybe not a vaccine side effect at all. I did have chills, and a very mild headache for a couple of days. But that was it.

Meanwhile, when conscious, I have been preparing for Mr Devine’s Birthday, which is tomorrow. I had big ideas for a celebration. Firstly, there was a novel to be written; a film starring Aidan Turner in a spaceship to be made; a tribble to be wrapped and mailed; several cormorants to be trained as butlers; a ripped gardener to be employed; and a tinfoil creation to be created. Sadly, due to all the sleep and a sore arm, I had to settle for a small idea instead….

Something new for the sideboard±

Happy Birthday, Mr Devine!! I’m sure you can shrink this so that it doesn’t overwhelm your sideboard. To be fair there was supposed to be some gold, but my gold dust looked like a heap of yellowing dandruff in my photographs, so I abandoned that particular idea.

A tune for the birthday boy….

Coming First

It has taken me many days to decide the ultimate winner of the ‘Did I Win Yet?’ competition, and some nights I have woken in a cold sweat wondering how I could resolve the conundrum, but I have finally made a decision. He may not be happy about it; he may fall to his knees in exasperation; he may flounce around for a bit and then go for a long walk to examine his groynes….but yes, the winner of the competition is Mr Devine! – Please be aware that you should never enter anything without accepting the very real possibility of coming first. And although Mr Devine is the ultimate winner, I still propose that we have some sort of Mr Lax festival in the future.

So that’s that then. I will be posting again at the weekend. I have news of the jolly variety! And an explanation as to why I might be posting less in February. Or I might be posting more – I haven’t quite figured that one out yet – though I might have it figured by July.

Meanwhile, I have been doing a lot of this sort of thing…

calligraphy-addressed-label-for envelope

collage-and-calligraphy-uk

….which is possibly why I haven’t been doing so much blog commenting.

And here is a tune…