It’s been a month since I last slapped a post up. Where has the time gone? Why have I taken so long to update my blog? Why does it feel like I’ve abandoned the Write Panic project?
Well, about two weeks ago I found lots of blood up my nose – old blood, new blood, large lumps of old blood in green gunge [nice], and fresh blood. At first I panicked, then I Googled, and I think the excess blood was due to a sinus infection, though I haven’t had this confirmed because it’s been impossible to contact a doctor [I did try]. I think the sinus infection was caused by the cold I was whinging about throughout February that never really went away. Anyhow, the upshot of all this was that I decided to be sensible, so I gave up vaping [vaping is obviously a very bad thing to do during a pandemic and obviously the cause of all nasal cavity issues ever], which resulted in nicotine withdrawal. The nicotine withdrawal has made me spacey, grumpy, sneezy, bashful, incredibly dopey, but not very happy. I am feeling a bit better now, and my nose has stopped bleeding, but I still have a slight sniffle and Phantosmia [olfactory hallucination]. On the upside, my tinnitus seems to have improved.
I will try to get my head back into our writing project, but it is SOOOOOOOOO HARD when all I am thinking about is nicotine and cigarettes, plus I’m eating far too much and I feel like a fatty-lardy-lump-blobble. AND MY HAIR????!!!! Enough. There might be some positivity on the horizon – look at this study. Yes, nicotine might save us after all!!! I tell you, if this turns out to be true I will howl with laughter, I will laugh so hard that you will have to peel me off the floor, I will laugh and laugh and laugh, and then I will light up. I like smoking, it reminds me of my dad and unfortunately it also reminds me of being irresponsible and young. Sigh. I am blathering incoherently.
A tune? Yep.
So many new BBC newsreaders popping up on my TV screen! Looks like everyone it going to get their chance to read the autocue during the coming months.
Meanwhile, I have decided to cease experiments on Charmaine, for the time being. She has instructed me to use my time constructively and instead of watching the 24hr rolling news channel I could instead clean the bath; read my pile of books; do some calligraphy; have a good clear out; blog more; shave my armpits; write a book; write a short story; and WASH MY HANDS. She has a point – especially regarding the bath and my armpits.
I feel a bit discombobulated. I imagine we are all feeling much the same. The UK are only testing for Coronavirus in hospitals, which I guess will skewer the death rate – making it look worse than it is. Also, surely we need to know who has developed immunity so that they can help others without fear of passing on a nasty bug? For example, if I knew I was immune I would be willing to help out in the local care home, or stack shelves in the supermarket, or read the news. I am just saying.
Shall we have a tune?
….bollocks!!! Goodness me!! Yes, the weather could be better, but the trampolines have now been rounded up and are resting and rusting in a corner of the garden. Such a relief that they are no longer terrorising the wildlife, and Mrs Johnson.
I STILL have a cold. I have been self isolating, hence I have been unable to visit any blogs. During my isolation I have turned my calligraphy studio into a laboratory in an effort to find a defence against all the viral nasties that have been circulating this winter. Later today I will be conducting the first of many experiments on my niece, Charmaine [she does not know this yet as she has been self isolating up in the attic for the past 2 years]. Research tells me that vinegar and peppermint have antiviral properties so I intend to spray Charmaine liberally with my homemade vinegar/peppermint preparation and then vigorously sneeze on her. I will chart her reaction over the coming days. If she begins to look feverish I will add gin. To everything.
Meanwhile, tomorrow is my birthday!!!!! Yay!!!! Which might put me in a higher risk category for death and such like. Damn it. But I will not worry as I have soap, water, vinegar, peppermint, loo paper, and, my personal favourite – whiskey.
Anyhow, as it is my birthday, and to cheer the mood in preparation for the zombie apocalypse, here is a tune – proving that there are better things to do in the supermarket than panic buy.
am staying indoors today because:-
a) The Gods have unleashed a plague of trampolines upon Devon. There is one wrapped around the chimney as I type and the starlings are making good use of it.
b) I have a hole in my welly.
c) I am plain lazy.
I still have a cold, which means:-
a) I have Coronavirus and I am going to die.
b) I have Coronavirus, but I am not going to die.
c) I am hacked off because this cold seems to be lasting forever.
d) I am prone to writing increasingly overdramatic posts regarding a common winter ailment.
This week I read:-
a) 42 books, including one on how to tether a trampoline properly.
b) 1 sentence.
c) 4,642 scaremongering articles regarding Coronavirus. And something about how trampolines have replaced kites as the nation’s favourite plaything on a blustery day.
d) An instruction manual for a 1942 Singer sewing machine.
Next week I am going to:-
a) Prepare my blogpost in advance and not merely rehash the one that I published the week before.
b) Engage my blog audience with a post entitled: A Bit Blowy, Part 4 [The Picture Version].
c) Not mention Coronavirus, or my mild cold symptoms.
d) Read a book.
e) Surprise my readership with a bonus mid-week post.
f) Do something interesting with a sheep and a tube of superglue.
g) Stop talking about trampolines.
And so to the music, in memory of Mr Lax, and my mum.
am staying indoors today as it is a bit —— outside. I have ——– several trampolines to the —- as I don’t want them to take flight and interfere with hopeful tourists camping in the neighbouring fields [it is half-term and a bit of weather isn’t going to stop them].
I have a cold. It is obviously NOT ———-. I am no longer terrified as Lulu has PROMISED to feed the dog and do my hair if I —. Mr Devine has also promised to look after the dog in case of an ———, but I don’t want to interrupt his mission to redesign the Toblerone packaging, as seen HERE.
Meanwhile, I have had a very —- week. I did a bit of ——–, and ——-, but everywhere is still a complete —-. No books have been read. I am a ——–.
And so to the music….
am staying indoors today as it is a bit blowy outside. I have brought my trampoline indoors as I don’t want it to take flight and interfere with the life-stock in the neighbouring fields.
I also have a cold coming on, which is obviously THE MOST terrifying thing ever. My rational side is telling me that it is just a bug and I will be over it by next Sunday. My irrational side is somewhat louder and is yelling: I AM GOING TO DIE AND WHO IS GOING TO FEED THE DOG???????? No, seriously, who is going to feed the dog???
Meanwhile, at the beginning of every new year I resolve to read more books, meaning I devour a book in January, and then fall asleep in front of the television for the following 11 months. This year I have started to read my book in February, it is Middle England by Jonathan Coe, and so far I am enjoying it very much. This line touched a nerve:-
…a perverse effort to recapture the past by realizing his past’s vision of the future…
Which may be what the book is really ALL about as it is about Brexit.
And so to the music….