It had been many weeks since I had last posted on my internationally acclaimed Wonky-Words blog. Why had I let my blogging prowess slide? Was I afraid that my legions of fans had abandoned me? Was it because I had too much to say and couldn’t fit it all into the white posting box? Or was I simply giving my readership time to savour my previous witterings?
It was none of the above. Sadly my time had been consumed by watching the pandemic death graphs, I had convinced myself that should my eyes waver, even for a second, then the graphs would shoot upwards and kill everyone – it was, after all, my singular vigilance that kept the UK graphs on a steady decline. It was an arduous task, but I was committed and dilligent in my determination to lower the figures, and not let any snippet of Covid news pass me by. And then, on the 15th June I got bored and decided to commit myself to something else instead.
I turned my head away from the graphs, switched off the news; started reading a book; looked out across the meadows; marvelled at the dancing flamingos on a nearby millpond; watched a couple of good films; started taking multi-vitamins; realised my tinnitus was easier to ignore when I stopped masking it with noise; and I remembered that I was a great artist of considerable merit.
And so I returned to my turret at the bottom of the garden, where, for many hours, I toiled over vintage documents; read previous blog posts; dabbled with specialist inks and papers; sampled fine whisky; so that I could bring my loyal readers an untimely art piece entitled: The Lost Trevor – A combination of vintage imagery and previous words.
Finally I had some artwork to slap up on my blog….
I shall leave you to enjoy. BUT, I hope to bring more thrilling, yet possibly random, words to this neglected blog next week.
It’s been a month since I last slapped a post up. Where has the time gone? Why have I taken so long to update my blog? Why does it feel like I’ve abandoned the Write Panic project?
Well, about two weeks ago I found lots of blood up my nose – old blood, new blood, large lumps of old blood in green gunge [nice], and fresh blood. At first I panicked, then I Googled, and I think the excess blood was due to a sinus infection, though I haven’t had this confirmed because it’s been impossible to contact a doctor [I did try]. I think the sinus infection was caused by the cold I was whinging about throughout February that never really went away. Anyhow, the upshot of all this was that I decided to be sensible, so I gave up vaping [vaping is obviously a very bad thing to do during a pandemic and obviously the cause of all nasal cavity issues ever], which resulted in nicotine withdrawal. The nicotine withdrawal has made me spacey, grumpy, sneezy, bashful, incredibly dopey, but not very happy. I am feeling a bit better now, and my nose has stopped bleeding, but I still have a slight sniffle and Phantosmia [olfactory hallucination]. On the upside, my tinnitus seems to have improved.
I will try to get my head back into our writing project, but it is SOOOOOOOOO HARD when all I am thinking about is nicotine and cigarettes, plus I’m eating far too much and I feel like a fatty-lardy-lump-blobble. AND MY HAIR????!!!! Enough. There might be some positivity on the horizon – look at this study. Yes, nicotine might save us after all!!! I tell you, if this turns out to be true I will howl with laughter, I will laugh so hard that you will have to peel me off the floor, I will laugh and laugh and laugh, and then I will light up. I like smoking, it reminds me of my dad and unfortunately it also reminds me of being irresponsible and young. Sigh. I am blathering incoherently.
A tune? Yep.
So many new BBC newsreaders popping up on my TV screen! Looks like everyone it going to get their chance to read the autocue during the coming months.
Meanwhile, I have decided to cease experiments on Charmaine, for the time being. She has instructed me to use my time constructively and instead of watching the 24hr rolling news channel I could instead clean the bath; read my pile of books; do some calligraphy; have a good clear out; blog more; shave my armpits; write a book; write a short story; and WASH MY HANDS. She has a point – especially regarding the bath and my armpits.
I feel a bit discombobulated. I imagine we are all feeling much the same. The UK are only testing for Coronavirus in hospitals, which I guess will skewer the death rate – making it look worse than it is. Also, surely we need to know who has developed immunity so that they can help others without fear of passing on a nasty bug? For example, if I knew I was immune I would be willing to help out in the local care home, or stack shelves in the supermarket, or read the news. I am just saying.
Shall we have a tune?
….bollocks!!! Goodness me!! Yes, the weather could be better, but the trampolines have now been rounded up and are resting and rusting in a corner of the garden. Such a relief that they are no longer terrorising the wildlife, and Mrs Johnson.
I STILL have a cold. I have been self isolating, hence I have been unable to visit any blogs. During my isolation I have turned my calligraphy studio into a laboratory in an effort to find a defence against all the viral nasties that have been circulating this winter. Later today I will be conducting the first of many experiments on my niece, Charmaine [she does not know this yet as she has been self isolating up in the attic for the past 2 years]. Research tells me that vinegar and peppermint have antiviral properties so I intend to spray Charmaine liberally with my homemade vinegar/peppermint preparation and then vigorously sneeze on her. I will chart her reaction over the coming days. If she begins to look feverish I will add gin. To everything.
Meanwhile, tomorrow is my birthday!!!!! Yay!!!! Which might put me in a higher risk category for death and such like. Damn it. But I will not worry as I have soap, water, vinegar, peppermint, loo paper, and, my personal favourite – whiskey.
Anyhow, as it is my birthday, and to cheer the mood in preparation for the zombie apocalypse, here is a tune – proving that there are better things to do in the supermarket than panic buy.
am staying indoors today because:-
a) The Gods have unleashed a plague of trampolines upon Devon. There is one wrapped around the chimney as I type and the starlings are making good use of it.
b) I have a hole in my welly.
c) I am plain lazy.
I still have a cold, which means:-
a) I have Coronavirus and I am going to die.
b) I have Coronavirus, but I am not going to die.
c) I am hacked off because this cold seems to be lasting forever.
d) I am prone to writing increasingly overdramatic posts regarding a common winter ailment.
This week I read:-
a) 42 books, including one on how to tether a trampoline properly.
b) 1 sentence.
c) 4,642 scaremongering articles regarding Coronavirus. And something about how trampolines have replaced kites as the nation’s favourite plaything on a blustery day.
d) An instruction manual for a 1942 Singer sewing machine.
Next week I am going to:-
a) Prepare my blogpost in advance and not merely rehash the one that I published the week before.
b) Engage my blog audience with a post entitled: A Bit Blowy, Part 4 [The Picture Version].
c) Not mention Coronavirus, or my mild cold symptoms.
d) Read a book.
e) Surprise my readership with a bonus mid-week post.
f) Do something interesting with a sheep and a tube of superglue.
g) Stop talking about trampolines.
And so to the music, in memory of Mr Lax, and my mum.
am staying indoors today as it is a bit —— outside. I have ——– several trampolines to the —- as I don’t want them to take flight and interfere with hopeful tourists camping in the neighbouring fields [it is half-term and a bit of weather isn’t going to stop them].
I have a cold. It is obviously NOT ———-. I am no longer terrified as Lulu has PROMISED to feed the dog and do my hair if I —. Mr Devine has also promised to look after the dog in case of an ———, but I don’t want to interrupt his mission to redesign the Toblerone packaging, as seen HERE.
Meanwhile, I have had a very —- week. I did a bit of ——–, and ——-, but everywhere is still a complete —-. No books have been read. I am a ——–.
And so to the music….