I
t is Christmas Eve, and I have decided that I will start a new Wonky Words Christmas tradition. From now on I will publish this old post every Christmas Eve to herald the festivities.
I really am spoiling you…
H
ere we see Darren. He is hoping to be selected as an ambassador for the Littlehampton Confectionery Display Team. He is submitting one of the finest examples of his work in their annual ‘Exposure’ competition. It is a grand affair. It is held in a disused caravan park close to Southend pier, and display enthusiasts come from far and wide to exhibit their elaborate confection. For example, competitor Annie has flown in from Amsterdam and has done something gratuitous with a fudge finger fan, whilst Gavin from Gateshead [the winner in 2006] has been imaginative with a Toffee Crisp and an artfully adapted 12 inch Twirl; Maggie, a mother of three [the winner in 1908, but never since] has chosen a minimalist/conceptual approach – her piece is entitled ‘Red Smartie with Toothpick’.
So far the judges have been less than impressed with the entrées, but Darren is confident that he can lick his rivals. Darren has a secret. Darren has balls, golden balls, and he knows how to arrange them. He waits in the wings as poor Simon, a professional kitchen fitter from Stevenage, sobs and stumbles from the judging panel after his Sherbert Fountain fails to font, and his Lion Bar goes limp.
Darren feels the tension rising – his moment has arrived, he takes a deep breath and walks into the spotlight. His golden balls are piled pyramid high upon a silver platter creating a sophisticated yet captivating display that brings the essence of Egypt to Essex. Darren stands proud. It has only taken a smidgeon of superglue to keep everything erect.
Alas, Darren is unaware of the envious Maggie who will do anything to win, and from the wings she gives Darren an almighty shove sending his nutty nibbles into orbit to splatter down upon the judges heads. Horrified, Judge Erica picks golden nuts from her hair, and exclaims, ‘With your display you are soiling us!’.
Darren hangs his head in shame, but he is not downhearted. There is always next year when he is planning an ambitious assemblage with Annie, they are hoping to cause an extravagance of good taste with a giant curly wurly and a custard cream flan.
First published on the Scarlet Blue Archive 8th January 2010 12:45 BST
How splendid: a new festive tradition to go with the “Operation Christmas Duff” Goon Show and re-reading “The Blue Carbuncle” for the umpteenth time. Neither of which ever go stale, and nor will the classic Ferrero Rocher post, I’m sure. Hearty compliments of the season to one and all. 🙂
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Happy Christmas, Mr Batarde!!
Sxxx
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Poor Darren, he had such high hopes. With any luck Maggie’s Smartie will fall down a crack in the caravan floorboards and never be found again. She will accidentally stab Judge Erica to death with the toothpick, be disqualified and Darren will emerge the triumphant winner!
I like this Christmas tradition. Long may it continue!
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Nick – Maybe I should make up some more traditions throughout the year to keep this blog ticking over for another ten years!!
Sx
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I had forgotten all about that commerical….and i love those little gems!!!! And a Happy Yuletide to yoi may dear…and i hope for peaceful tidings for you.
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Mistress Maddie – Happy Christmas, Sweetie! Nuts and chocolate – they are perfect!
Sx
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I do adore your Xmas balls, Miss Scarlet! Jx
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Thank you, Jon! Happy Festering Day!!
Sx
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All that chocolate! Did anyone ever die from Ferreo Rocher? (I’m asking for a friend…)
Well done, Scarlet! And happy Christmas. xx
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Oh to be crushed by rocks of Ferreo Rocher, Dinah!! Happy Christmas!!
Sxxx
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My mother wasn’t very impressed when she heard the Goons playing the Ying Tong song at 3am she thought she had intruders in her bedroom, she would have been better with Paddy McGinty’s goat I’ll set her Alexa with one tomorrow. I too love those spherical balls of ecstasy but not keen on the Ferrero Raffaello the coconut bits gets stuck in my teeth.
Have a good one Scarlet!
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Mitzi – I have not tried the coconut version, but Ferrero Raffaello sound like something I could whip up with a couple of leftover Bounty Bars – and let’s face it they usually are leftover. Happy Christmas!! I shall look up the goat now – not literally.
Sx
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Let me know if you have any leftover Rafael Nadal!
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Dinah – Wasn’t she the UK entry for Eurovision 1994?
Sx
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One of my very favourite (and most referred to*) adverts in one of my very favourite blog posts! This is the reason that I always think of you when I see/eat Ferrero Rocher (along with Pot Noodles and octopus-sucker bathmats**).
I wonder how Darren and Annie got on with their Custard Cream flan and that giant Curly-Wurly in 2011?
* “Monsieur. Wiz zees Rocher you are really zpoiling uz!” can be slipped into almost any conversation with ease.
** I don’t eat Pot Noodles. Or octopus-sucker bathmats. Usually…
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Oh, gods… I foolishly embarked on a YouTube Ferrero Rocher ad/spoof exploration in the hopes of finding the elusive French & Saunders ‘Ambassador/Rocher pyramid’ clip from The Phantom Millenium and now fear that I won’t make it out in time for Christmas! Merry Christmas, Ms Scarlet!
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I was lost in the emptiness of Youtube, too, and tripped over bath mat- was it yours???
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Ha Ha!!! I hope you have escaped?
Happy Christmas, Mr D!!!
Sx
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Funny – I bought a new bathmat last week. Maybe I should open my own factory?
Sx
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Mr D – Maybe I should write an updated version of this ad for next Christmas to find out what happened to our heroes? Oh the pressure! I’d better start it now then….
Sx
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Ah I remember this well! Happy New year to you Scarlet, I hope it’s a good one!
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Happy Christmas, Joey!! Have a wonderful day!!
Sx
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Wrapping up anything in gold foil adds some elegance. Now you have a traditional blog post wrapped in gold foil. Well done. Happy Christmas
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I know, Bill!! I still occasionally have a good idea!! Have a lovely Christmas, m’dear!
Sx
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It’s a variation on Mr. DeVice wrapping things up in tinfoil.
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You have given me a fabulous idea, Very Mistress: the next Tin Foil Hat compo should consist of hats made entirely from Ferrero Rocher wrappers!
Happy New Year, Ms Scarlet! And may it be bursting with Ferrero Rocher! x
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Blimey….better start collecting the wrappers now!
Sx
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Merry Christmas, Scarlet, may all your balls be encased in gold foil! X
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I hope you’re having a wonderful time, Eryl! And Happy New Year!!
Sx
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Happy New Year Sweetheart xxx
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Where can I find this man with golden balls?
look, i know someone else used a very similar joke but it’s too bad, thats what I’m going with and i’m not sure if it’s a joke anyway.
Scarlet,
I am so sorry your Dad died and I see you miss your mum as well. LIfe is just hard sometimes, isn’t it? May the New year , new decade even, treat you with kindness.
xox
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