Drive Sexy….

Ihave a headache this week. I am also bone idle. So I thought I would take this as an opportunity to take a brief interlude. There may be further interludes. This interlude takes the form of a re-post from 2009 – Back in the days when my face had more elastic than my knickers.

Here we see Maureen from Margate. Despite eating five pots of yoghurt a day, Maureen is still feisty and has plenty of verve. She has just stolen a wedding dress; a white dinner jacket; a picnic hamper, and a Val Doonican CD from Bhs, and is now cruising in her brand new Peugeot with the intent of snaring a man with whom she can share her booty. After turning right at the traffic lights at the top of Bromley High Street, Maureen finds herself on the A30 where she spots hitchhiker Gavin.

Gavin is an unemployed petrol pump attendant from Plymouth, seeking work on Bodmin moor. He has not been lucky. As he recovers from being knocked over by a coach load of pensioners on a day trip to Glasgow, he is attracted by the sight of Maureen’s bumpers as they are wonky and need realigning. Pleased with Gavin’s attentions, Maureen lifts her bonnet and displays her engine. Gavin is immediately drawn to her magnetic stack and her reciprocating pistons. After checking her gear head efficiency, oiling her big end, and playing with her hooters, Gavin collapses in the passenger seat and prepares for Maureen to give him the drive of his life. She does several miles down Fanny Avenue; enters Butt Hole Road; gets a bit lost in Lickfold before leading him astray in Ladygate Lane. Gavin is quite relieved when they arrive in Cardiff.

In Gretna Green, Mike, the Mexican Priest, is waiting to perform the wedding ceremony for Gavin and Maureen. He is fond of his nuptials. When they arrive he does his best Elvis impersonation, he wiggles his turbo, reaches a point of high excitation and blesses their future by writing a heartfelt message on the rear window of the now grubby 207. Finally, they are wed. And Maureen is happy that she took lessons in learning to drive sexy.

First Published on The Scarlet Blue Archive 23/09/2009 21:36 BST – but with less punctuation.

I was very peppy back then. Where has my pep gone???? I blame the adverts, they just don’t make them how they used to. Bastards.

37 thoughts on “Drive Sexy….

  1. dinahmow

    Oh! An old-style Scarlet post! Sorry about the slack knickers, darling, but it’s wonderful to see you in form. Maybe you’ll track down those ghastly performers from the Ferrero Rocher debacle next? I think a chocolate fountain was involved…

    1. Scarlet Post author

      Yes, Dinah, I spent some time up my annals today…. and to be honest, I was shocked!! And then I thought, what the hell it’s time for a re-post… I will definitely try to find the chocolate fountain.

      1. IDV

        Wiz zees retro post you are reely zspoiling uz!

        ::turns to sweep majestically across the foyer and accidently knocks the ambassador’s tray of Ferrero Rocher flying::


  2. Leni Qinan

    Er… hem, may I ask you something Scarlet? Do you know if there are more Gavins out there? (I definitely may consider taking a trip on the A30 … that would be very valuable information, just for holiday purposes of course).

    (PS.- The Mexican Elvis priest wont be necessary).

    Sorry about your headache. I hope it fades and you recover soon. Take care of yourself.


    1. Scarlet Post author

      Yes, Leni, the A30 is littered with Gavins! And if you travel this way I can offer you a proper Devon cream tea 🙂
      I will put the Mexican priest in the attic with the flamenco dancer.

  3. lx

    I have a suspicion that Maureen, Gavin, and the Mexican Priest may be auditioning for the openings over at Top Gear! The Peugeot may be making a play to be the new Reasonably Priced Car.

      1. lx

        There is a fourth opening to try for:

        Some say she has the most extensive IKEA wrench and bottle collections in Mogwash…

        …All we know is, she’s called The Nib!

  4. Peter Wells aka Countingducks

    Your bloody right about the adverts, Bastards indeed, and while we’re off the subject crazy drivers veering around in unwashed cars looking for petrol pump attendants while I have to stand gobsmacked at my local BP petrol station reduced to filling my own car with that sweet nectar which, it says on the side of the pump in day-glow print, “Guarantees significant global warming with every unnecessary trip. That sounds great to me cos its bloody freezing here, although a bit wet, mind, because the Atlantic has got carried away again, and has turned up in New Malden High Street.

    1. Scarlet Post author

      Trust me, Mr Ducks, everything that ends up in New Malden High Street comes to Devon first. My advice to you is to keep your umbrella up!

  5. Jon

    I know nothing about cars. Never owned one… er… I guess that explains why I’m still single.

    Reposts are better than no post, especially for those who were not around in 2009 🙂

    Hope you’ll fell better soon. *furtively hides a whole box of Ferrero Rochers under his coat before leaving*

      1. Scarlet Post author

        Please don’t panic, Savvy! I have taken a blogging pledge to post every Wednesday (or late Tuesday). So I am stuck here for eternity… in years, months to come when you’ve all gone on to better things… I will still be here, rambling incoherently about bottles, peugeots, and the random use of all manner of electrical gadgetry… and perhaps baps. Perhaps I will mention hedge funds occasionally. Who knows?

  6. 63mago

    I am glad to learn that Elvis survived, slimmed down and is absolutely dust-resistant. I think all three are related to static electricity. So better not touch him.

  7. Pingback: IS IT A BIRD? IS IT A PLANE? NO – IT’S A BLOGGER! | Moreidlethoughts Weblog

  8. Rose

    *taps microphone*

    Is this thing on?

    Hey Ms Scarlet! Good to see you’re getting back to your old ways. Blogging world just isn’t the same without you.

    I wonder if I could prise Gavin off Maureen long enough for him to MOT my Shiny Car?

    Or is he too busy with her head gasket?

    1. Scarlet Post author

      Hello, Rose!!

      Thank you! Yep, I’m still gassing on! I think Gavin’s blown her head gasket and warped her cylinder head causing significant overheating issues. I’ll see if he can fit you in for a service 🙂


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