When Worlds Collide and a Pair of Striped Tights

Iwoke up again. Not only was I still a failure, but now I was a failure surrounded by unfamiliar voices. Maybe I hadn’t woken up at all, I really wasn’t sure. My garret appeared to be filled with a haze of sparkling Champagne bubbles that were emanating from a jolly Australian lady who seemed to be using them as a means of communication with an assistant called Muriel. I shrugged – I mean why not? At some point in the future Champagne’s bUbbles would rival Apple’s iPhone – I knew that.

A nice hazy picture to break up a huge swathe of text.

Moving on [as swiftly as possible], I realised that the other unfamiliar voice belonged to Mr Devine; a dead giveaway was his broad Norfolk accent. He was very tall, and took up too much room. He looked a bit cross, and this crossness seemed to be directed at me. He was ranting about the RHS, and a cease and desist notice, or some such; he was going a bit pink and puffy in the face, but thankfully my faithful hound, Sid, calmed him down with some gentle sniffing and a few adoring looks, which Mr Devine fell for because he crouched down to Sid’s level and stopped taking up so much space.

Finally I could talk eye to eye with Dinah, the jolly Australian lady with the twinkly blue eyes; she informed me that she had all the empty bottles I could possibly need to carry on with my bottled art project. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude that I flung my arms around her, which was somewhat uncharacteristic of me. My happiness was swiftly dampened when I noticed her kindly face clouded by a frown.
“What?” I asked.
“The cost of delivering the bottles from Ausland to the UK may be prohibitive.”
Dinah stood in the middle of the garret with one hand on her hip clutching an extended wand, whilst the other held her chin as if deep in thought.
“I’ve got it!”, she exclaimed, “Jon would be the cheaper option!”

“Aaaaaaiiiiiiieeeeeeee!” Howled Mr Devine from his crouched position. He appeared to be grappling with my drapes and pulled one down into a heap on the floor.
“Oi, watch the drapes!” I shouted.
“Oh don’t mind him,” said Dinah, “he’s got a problem with the cute blackbird that’s perched on your crate, none of us can remember why so we humour him.”
Much to my surprise Dinah pulled down my other drape and used it to cover Mr Devine’s shaking limbs.
“It’s okay, Mr D,” soothed Dinah, gently patting Mr Devine’s back, “you stay under here and Sid will stand guard and protect you should Beaky try to attack.” Dinah rolled her eyes and then winked at me as Beaky the Blackbird flew out the window and back to Norfolk.

Sid, taking his job of guarding Mr Devine very seriously.

“Doesn’t he scream like a girl?” a new voice observed, a little later than expected.
“Your timing is a bit off,” I shouted into the bUbble Haze™, “he screamed about 5 minutes ago.”
Ms Mistress?” Said a drape muffled voice.
A pair of red and black striped tights appeared from the bUbble Haze™ and dangled above us, jigging lightly from foot to foot.

“Who’s this?” I mouthed to Dinah.
Mistress MJ, from Canada.” Replied Dinah, mouthing back.
“I can see you,” said the tights in a slow, cool, Canadian accent, “I would join you, but Ms Scarlet’s keyboard is too grubby, and too riddled with germs for me to be typed into this blog post so I have sent a representation of myself. Ms Scarlet, if you could please sanitise your immediate environment then I will be able to appear in all my glory.”

I winced. Cleaning my keyboard, and garret, to Mistress MJ’s exacting standards would take over 23 years to achieve, and I did not have 23 years to spare. I needed the empty bottles for my art, so, at my peril, I ignored Mistress MJ’s request.

“Dinah, where can I find this Cheap Jon fellow?” I whispered.
“*Sarf London,” Dinah whispered back, “you can’t miss him, he has an award winning back passage. God’s speed Ms Scarlet, good luck, and don’t worry about the cleaning, I’ll get Mr Devine to do it.”

Dinah and I clasped our little fingers together, tapped our right heels 5 times, and then I was away on my adventure, with my trusty hound, Sid, at my heels, and with no worries about domestic chores – I trusted Dinah to make everything spic’n’span.

“STOP HER!!!” Shrieked Mr Devine…..

*Incorrect location due to data privacy laws, and also artistic licence.

To be continued over the cusp.

48 thoughts on “When Worlds Collide and a Pair of Striped Tights

  1. savannah49

    I hope you’re working on Pt. 2 right now, sweetpea! I am on the edge of my chair (actually, quite literally because I seem to have sat on the ONE chair in this room that’s falling apart)) with anticipation! xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. Scarlet Post author

      Savvy – I think this is actually part 3!!! I know, it is difficult to keep up when the story keeps hopping from me to Mr Devine. Mr Devine will be writing part 4 [hopefully he has a keyboard beneath the drapes?], and it will be out next week. I hope.
      We will be finished when we have no readers left [literally].
      The chair will be fine with a couple of books on it.
      Sx

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    1. Scarlet Post author

      Jon – Indeed, I am looking forward to our encounter! I might steal your rather nice jacket that I’ve had my eye on!
      Please make sure everything is clean for Mistress MJ!
      Sx

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  2. Inexplicable Device

    “Broad Norfolk accent”?!? Why, I’ll have you know that I am very well helocuted and only lapse into Narfuk when tired, or over excited, or drunk, or cross, or… Oh. Yes. Carry on, then.

    And none of you can remember Beaky’s misdeeds and evilness because he has used his insidious mind-powers on you, causing you to forget. He is not to be trusted! At All!!!
    And Sid? Wake up! No sleeping on the job!

    Now, where can I get shares in bUbble Haze™? I’m sure it’ll be the next big thing! (Beautiful photo, by the way)

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    1. Scarlet Post author

      Mr Devine – I think you might have to do a flashback about Beaky – we are all getting older and more forgetful!
      Sid is always the last one up in this house – especially now that the weather’s turned, and if he does go out in the garden he tiptoes across the lawn like a lady wearing very posh shoes. I will have to film him!
      Sx

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      Reply
      1. Inexplicable Device

        Ooh, yes! I’d love to see Sid tippy-toeing across the lawn!

        And as it seems that Beaky has flown off back home (Yay!), I might leave the flashback until after we’ve got through this Over-the-Cusp/Mogwash adventure (if we ever do).

        Liked by 1 person

  3. melaniereynolds

    Honestly, with the cost of shipping these days I do think it would be cheaper to just fly me over to help you drink a few dozen bottles dry. You could probably make a whole greenhouse out of glass bottles by the time we’re through. Everyone of the group who can be there should be there. A party for the ages! Though I’m starting to doubt your garret is big enough.

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Scarlet Post author

      Mels – don’t think you’ve gotten away with not being written into this extendible yarn! You may well be flown over to drink the bottles dry! Or to build an extension on the garret.
      Sx

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
    1. Scarlet Post author

      Dinah – It is just me and Mr Devine combining Mogwash with The Cusp. This is a thrilling collaboration designed to get us both back to regular posting.
      Why reach for a glass when you’ve been offered a bottle?
      Sx

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  4. Nick Rogers

    Well, far be it from me to intrude on this fascinating narrative of tights, guard dogs, drapes, champagne bottles and blackbirds. I would only suggest that Sarf London is not only an incorrect location but an incorrect pronunciation. Sarf Lunnan would be more convincing.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  5. Kylie

    I’m a little tired and struggling to follow a story, any story, but I saw Sid there in the very clean and white looking bedroom and Sid’s all colour co-ordinated and everything and I just kept looking at the photo and thinking “goals”
    One day, kylie, one day……

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. Scarlet Post author

      Kylie – I feel everyone is a little tired and struggling to follow the story! Don’t worry about this – it is normal.
      Meanwhile – awwwwww…..my bedroom is very white – and very simple, nothing fancy going on – not even carpet. I am a minimalist at heart. Please bear in mind that I have two junk rooms, which I was cussing about this very morning! I have goals too.
      Sx

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      1. lisleman

        The story is a joy to read and I guess neither you or Mr Devine know where it will go. I read the caption quickly and thought you were covering up for not having a huge swathe of text. Either way it’s a good picture.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Mitzi

    I wonder if John Waters would be interested in turning it into a film, Steeleye Span – The Old Maid in the Garret, sung by the lovely Maddie Prior, for the closing credits. The view from my spare room is of a large house with a garret, you never see any lights on anywhere in the house except for a bare lightbulb in the garret. I’ve taken a photograph of it for your viewing pleasure, I’ll post it in due course.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. Scarlet Post author

      Mitzi – A film! Yes, this could be a blockbuster.
      Curious, I shall look forward to your photograph. I only have one lightbulb glowing, but it is fully dressed.
      Sx

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  7. Inexplicable Device

    For anyone waiting with baited breath for part 4, I’d advise you to resume breathing, as events (i.e. pesky family) have conspired to delay my write-up of our adventure this weekend. I have nearly done it, though. Unfortunately, a Story Reinitialisation popped up unexpectedly, and I’m trying to knit together all the loose ends. So far, I have half a three-armed jumper…

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    Reply
    1. Scarlet Post author

      Mr Devine – No worries, I am happy on the sofa watching TV and eating chocolate. I will leave the knitting to you as I am far better at darning.
      Sx

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  8. Pingback: PART 5 of The Epic Collaboration | Wonky Words

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