Happy Christmas!!!

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I

t is Christmas Eve, and I have decided that I will start a new Wonky Words Christmas tradition. From now on I will publish this old post every Christmas Eve to herald the festivities.

I really am spoiling you…

Here we see Darren. He is hoping to be selected as an ambassador for the Littlehampton Confectionery Display Team. He is submitting one of the finest examples of his work in their annual ‘Exposure’ competition. It is a grand affair. It is held in a disused caravan park close to Southend pier, and display enthusiasts come from far and wide to exhibit their elaborate confection. For example, competitor Annie has flown in from Amsterdam and has done something gratuitous with a fudge finger fan, whilst Gavin from Gateshead [the winner in 2006] has been imaginative with a Toffee Crisp and an artfully adapted 12 inch Twirl; Maggie, a mother of three [the winner in 1908, but never since] has chosen a minimalist/conceptual approach – her piece is entitled ‘Red Smartie with Toothpick’.

So far the judges have been less than impressed with the entrées, but Darren is confident that he can lick his rivals. Darren has a secret. Darren has balls, golden balls, and he knows how to arrange them. He waits in the wings as poor Simon, a professional kitchen fitter from Stevenage, sobs and stumbles from the judging panel after his Sherbert Fountain fails to font, and his Lion Bar goes limp.

Darren feels the tension rising – his moment has arrived, he takes a deep breath and walks into the spotlight. His golden balls are piled pyramid high upon a silver platter creating a sophisticated yet captivating display that brings the essence of Egypt to Essex. Darren stands proud. It has only taken a smidgeon of superglue to keep everything erect.

Alas, Darren is unaware of the envious Maggie who will do anything to win, and from the wings she gives Darren an almighty shove sending his nutty nibbles into orbit to splatter down upon the judges heads. Horrified, Judge Erica picks golden nuts from her hair, and exclaims, ‘With your display you are soiling us!’.

Darren hangs his head in shame, but he is not downhearted. There is always next year when he is planning an ambitious assemblage with Annie, they are hoping to cause an extravagance of good taste with a giant curly wurly and a custard cream flan.

First published on the Scarlet Blue Archive 8th January 2010 12:45 BST

Ying Tong

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I have not abandoned my blog. I am still here, but I am moving very slowly and I am a little bit blank. Anyhow, this is the music that was played as the recessional music at my father’s funeral.

And, when hearing this I laughed and cried at the same time – truly a peculiar phenomenon.

I will be back soon. On a weekly basis. And I will be visiting my blog friends too, I just have a bit of paperwork to deal with first.

Love Scarlet xxx

New Post!!!!

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…..or is it?

IS IT??? No seriously, it isn’t really. It is a holding post. I post that is to pop up to say: I am still here, but I am working through ‘stuff’, so I am not here really. I am kind of convinced that nobody else is here either. All gone.

Well, this all makes perfect sense.

I miss my mum.

I am in denial re Christmas, and the general election.

Here is one of my collages:-

mixed-media-collage-with-gilded-letter-g-and-calligraphy

I have been accepted to sell my wares on the new British Craft House website. I am HERE, but I am having problems setting up the payment whatnots… and what with the Etsy shop as well I am feeling like I’ve opened a small shopping precinct, and none of it feels right. All these marketing people are very jolly, and bouncy, and overexcitable, and I simply feel ill at ease and uncomfortable.

I don’t know what I am doing really. I just want to go somewhere and have a good cry. Then I’m sure I will feel better.

Addendum

My dad died yesterday. So I will be away for a while having a good cry.

Calligraphy Practice…and 50p

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Not only have I been scrubbing, and opening shops, but, since last Wednesday I have also been practicing my calligraphy every morning. I do it whilst listening to the news and write phrases and headlines that pique my interest.

calligraphy-practice-sheets-2019
Can’t do ‘D’!

My practice includes all my mistakes, spelling and otherwise. I have a calligraphy confession – after 9 years of practicing copperplate I still can’t form a proper capital ‘D’. I use a simpler version when I write a D. In today’s practice we can see that my struggle is real, and rather ugly.

I also have a problem with numbers….and lowercase x – which is a bit of an issue when writing UK news headlines. I am working on the x. And the numbers. On the plus side, because I am writing down bits of news, I am learning stuff…. like the fifty pence piece was introduced in 1969 and was generally disliked. I always rather liked it because it was a funny shape and I could buy a lot of sweets with it.

I tend to switch nibs and ink whilst I practice; I am trying to note down which nib and ink I’m using, but I don’t always remember. Today I opened a fresh bottle of Ecoline – hence my writing went a bit blobby cos the ink was runny.

daily-calligraphy-practice

I apologise for the poor quality of the pictures – I have no idea what to blame for that – too much fiddling with the light controls whilst editing perhaps?

My next mission is to start reading books again so that I have something exciting to put on a chair. Right, I must be away because I need to do something urgent with a sonic scrubber….

Exciting News!!! Shop now open!!!

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Iam now available to buy on Etsy!!! Not me personally [that would be illegal], but my collages. It has taken me forever to make enough collages, photograph them all, and then tackle the steep learning curve that is Etsy, and although my shop isn’t the slickest in town, it is open, and it’s enough for now. I have added a link on my sidebar.

collage-with-gilded-letter-r-and-drawing-of-rook
Shop now open!!

Other news: I have been scrubbing. My house is now a dust free zone, and I have very shiny taps. I had let things slide a little since March and I suddenly snapped – my inner domestic goddess came alive and found there was fun to be had with a flexible hose and a long-nosed crevice attachment. She even moved the furniture.

So that’s what I’ve been doing. Apologies for the blog neglect. I am back now.

How May I Help?

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Voice at the other end of the phone: Good afternoon, Digital Preservation Society, this is Lauren, how may I help you?

Ms Scarlet: Oh, hello, my name is Ms Scarlet, and I was wondering if I could have a grant to preserve my website and blog.

Lauren: Can you give me your website address?

Ms Scarlet: http://www.wonky-words.com

Lauren: One moment please…. [sound of extensive tapping on keyboard]….Hmmmm….I’m not really sure that your website qualifies. I mean, you get points for the traditional WordPress theme, but you’ve tinkered with it haven’t you? You’ve fiddled with the code to get the orange hover colour, I’m sorry, but I don’t think your site is something we would be interested in preserving. If you stripped it back to basics, got rid of the ducks, uploaded some useful content, then maybe we could look at it again.

Ms Scarlet: [sound of extensive sighing and muttering] Whaddooya mean????!! It has plenty of useful content!!! Look at the calligraphy; the bottles; the collages….the calligraphy…the…er… all the other interesting stuff….

Lauren: I’m sorry, but statistically speaking only 10 people are remotely engaging with your website per month, they are the same 10 people each and every month, and there is evidence to suggest that even these 10 are beginning to lose interest. There are a few rogue visitors from Pinterest, but they tend to not hang around; after they’ve looked at the Gold Gallery they click away to something more edifying. At a guess I believe they find your website confusing. There needs to be more original content; you need to finish your projects, and there needs to be some sense of coherence. Have you thought about trying Blogger as a publishing platform for your…er…words? The Digital Preservation Society has recently prioritised giving grants to Blogspot authors. Or perhaps a good fit for you would be writing things down on paper in a private journal away from prying eyes.

Ms Scarlet: [Sobbing extensively] So you’re saying that this is the end of Wonky Words?

Lauren: Please don’t get emotional, Ms Scarlet, you are overdramatising the situation, you have plenty of options available to you. I’m sorry that the Digital Preservation Society couldn’t help you today, please feel free to contact us again when you feel your website meets the criteria for a grant – details can be found on on the Digital Preservation website. Good day to you, Ms Scarlet. [Hangs up]

To be continued….perhaps.