All Because the Lady Loves…. [2022 Edition]

36 Replies

Some women have it all. They spend their days reclining on plush sofas wearing silk pyjamas, taking selfies for their Instagram feeds, and testing a limitless supply of premium anti-ageing products sent to them by marketing departments in high end stores. If that isn’t enough, they also have gentleman callers dropping at their feet. One such woman is Debbie Von Arlington-Grange who lives in six bedroom neo-Georgian barn conversion, known as ‘Rose Cottage’, just down wind of the Dartford tunnel. She also has a luxury yacht called ‘Hello Dolly’ moored at Dover with obvious Russian connections.
Here we see gentleman caller, Kevoff, desperately trying to keep Debbie sweet. He fearlessly dives off the white cliffs into the shark infested waters of the English Channel. He swims to Debbie’s yacht, climbs aboard, and delivers a perfectly wrapped box of Cadbury’s Milk Tray. Then, without so much as a nibble on a coffee cream, Debbie sends him packing.
Why? Because firstly he didn’t text to inform her of his impending arrival, and furthermore, because he forgot the Champagne, flowers, and the 65″ widescreen TV she wanted; he also forgot her dairy intolerance; and that she prefers Black Magic. To add insult to grievance, he then proceeded to make a soggy mess all over her pink shag pile carpet, AND, quite frankly, she is weary of him trying to convince people that there are sharks in the English Channel.
You’ll be pleased to know that I’m not as high maintenance as Debbie. I enjoy the simple pleasures in life; I don’t have a yacht – I’m quite at home on a lilo, and after a Moscow Mule or two, I might be persuaded to share my strawberry creams, and soft centres, so long as the ironing’s done.

Actually, I am probably more high maintenance than Debbie. Please bring me Lindt chocolate [don’t expect me to share it], and a bottle of whiskey. And what is all this nonsense about a lilo??? AND ironing???

First published on The Scarlet Blue Archive 12th February 2009
Revised and heavily edited in 2022.

Next week: Debbie does Dymchurch.

36 thoughts on “All Because the Lady Loves…. [2022 Edition]”

    1. Scarlet Post author

      Savvy – It’s a double burst of nostalgia! The old advert and a rehashed blog post. I noticed that Blogger has removed all the YouTube’s from my old blog making most of my posts more incomprehensible than they actually are. The sad thing is that some of those old ads meant a lot to me – I shall repair and revise more over the coming months.
      Sx

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      2. Scarlet Post author

        Bill – My old blog is a ruin, and I can’t always remember what the original videos were, so I’m now making a point of tagging my posts correctly. For some posts I can’t find any copies on YouTube, which is sad, considering they were adverts!
        Sx

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  3. Inexplicable Device

    I see Debbie’s moved on from Eric in the intervening years. Well, I suppose he’s getting on a bit now? Probably can’t keep a box of low-to-mid range chocolates between his dentures as he wrestles the odd, rather startled porbeagle anymore?
    One thing going for Kevoff is that he did well to get around the sanctions…

    P.S. Hurrah! One of my favourite adverts from ‘Them Days’!

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    1. Scarlet Post author

      Bravo, Mr Devine, for finding the old version of this post!!! Debbie is 13 years older now, and not so silly to have her head turned by a box of chocs. She’s a little more discerning and rolls her eyes at least 10 times more often per day.
      Well, to be fair, Kevoff wanted to buy a box of Thorntons, but the cash point wouldn’t dispense any more cash, so he made do with a box of Milk Tray from a vintage 1981 petrol station – little bit dusty, and well past the best before date.
      Bet you’re pleased the giant men have left your sideboard?!
      Sx

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      1. Inexplicable Device

        My scrolling finger is thrilled that the aforementioned giant men (and their knitware) have left my sideboard – it hadn’t had such a work-out since Melanie’s very tall Towerblock of Triffids back in March last year!

        I didn’t just find the original version of this post – I found loads of wonderful advert posts and lost quite a lot of time to them…

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Scarlet Post author

        You are very kind, Mr Devine! But some of those old posts are begging for edits and revision, which will give me something to do. So watch this space!
        And there is also potential for more sublime enormousness on your sideboard in the future!
        Sx

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Inexplicable Device

      Ferrero Rocher!!! (not profiteroles. And I think it was Marie what did it as her “Smartie with Toothpick” was not a patch on a pyramid of Rocher? I think? I only read it last night and already my memory is fuzzy. Unless there was one with profiteroles that I missed? Oh, dear… I’m going to have to go back and read them all again, now!)

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      1. Scarlet Post author

        Mr Devine – You are a glutton for punishment! The comments are fun to read though – please don’t become overwhelmed by nostalgia if you read the comments – some witty old friends pop up frequently.
        Sx

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Scarlet Post author

      Dinah – Awww… thank you!! I always thought that people kindly tolerated my forays into adverts! Writing them used to give my brain a work out. I found editing this one gave me a similar satisfaction, so I’ll revise a few more in the coming months.
      Sorry to read about your flooded air cons.
      Sx

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  6. nick

    Debbie invited me to her luxury yacht once, having somehow got the impression I was stinking rich. When she discovered I was living on benefits in a mould-ridden council flat her minders rapidly tossed me overboard. There’s no pleasing some people.

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  7. melaniereynolds

    I was concerned that shady fellow might hurt the shark! Sharks are intelligent friends, not food. They can’t help their physical appearance. You may not like it, but that’s what peak swim performance looks like, darling! The shark was just a curious observer, as are we all. My second thought was that the dumb louse was getting water all over the carpet, as well.

    Bravo, Ms Scarlet, what a fun post! If I bring you Lindt chocolate, I’ll be sure to bring a box for myself, cat fighting will not be necessary.

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Scarlet Post author

      Thank you, Mels! I do find sharks interesting to watch, and a shark is a creature that looks like its name – sharp and smart.
      Kevoff is just plain thoughtless – too much bravado, and not enough care for soft furnishings.
      Wise move re the chocolates!
      Sx

      Liked by 1 person

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  8. lisleman

    Nothing like warming up a cold wet man. I’m not sure why I just wrote that. I’m not cold or wet. You know, these guys are never jumping into the pollution or algae blooms.

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Scarlet Post author

      Bill – I think a mass of plastic bottles, bags, and fish netting would play havoc with Kevoff’s diving technique. I bet they’d film it in a tank these days.
      How to warm up a cold wet man? Hang him on a radiator and blast him with a hairdryer. The same method works equally well for socks. Be grateful you are neither cold nor wet.
      Sx

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      1. nick

        Debbie may have been impressed if he had said “You do realise I swam through a mass of plastic bottles, bags, fish netting, disposable nappies, coffee cups and blister packs to give you these super-duper chocs? I didn’t just get Amazon to deliver them.”

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Scarlet Post author

        You have come through twice, Nick! Is WordPress playing up?
        I don’t think much impresses Debbie and especially not the nappy stuck to Kevoff’s head.
        Sx

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    1. Scarlet Post author

      Kylie – He could have at least found a towel to stand on! He could have mopped himself down. But no, one act of bravado and he thinks he can do what he likes.
      I know – all that effort for a box of Milk Tray! Maybe the box had added extras – like diamonds.
      Sx

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  10. Mitzi

    And all because the lady loves Novichoks washed down with a Black Russian at Rosa Klebb Cottage. I wonder if she uses a wooden cocktail stick to pick up the chocolates so she doesn’t sully her dainty bejewelled fingers.

    Liked by 2 people

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    1. Scarlet Post author

      Mitzi – Welcome home! You missed the sideboard invasion of the giant men! Just as well really.
      A wooden cocktail stick – every handbag should have one!
      Sx

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  12. Autolycus

    I don’t suppose you’re of an age to remember Stanley Baxter, but one of his TV sketches was a similar advert for the kind of product that used to be advertised in the back end of Radio Times (I’d imagine that’s all different now) – “all because the lady loves……. rubber knickers”.

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    1. Scarlet Post author

      Mr Auty! Long time no see! Of course I remember Stanley Baxter – he was a genius! I will have to dig out my Baxter DVD and see if it includes your sketch.
      I learnt so much from the back end of The Radio Times – it was like a secret world – I think today’s young people are missing out!
      Sx

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