Aunt Scarlet is refusing to write a post and has told me to do it. She said to say that she is lanquishing on a chase lounge and MUST not be disturbed. Apparently she is writing a long letter to a bloke she refers to as Moogo, or Moorgo, or something like that. She has lots of other people to write to too, such as Princess, and some calligraphy people. She keeps getting in a huff because she is trying to write in her best calligraphy but it keeps going all wrong and she is surrounded by screwed up bits of paper. She is making a mess and is causing a potential fire hazard because she is drinking gin and smoking her horrible fags. She is also swearing a lot.

Aunt Scarlet said that when I write a post I MUST include some photographs. She said to take some pictures of her screwed up balls to show that she is trying to make an effort.


Screwed up balls

Whilst being locked in the attic and fed nothing but gruel, I found these bottles. I asked Aunt Scarlet what they were supposed to be. She flew into a rage and did more swearing and told me to never ask her about them ever again. I think she is a bit mad.


Aunt Scarlet’s empties that aren’t so empty…


A bottle in a bottle

By the way, Harold and I don’t eat the gruel that Aunt Scarlet makes us. We throw it out the window and go up the chippy. We have the spare key to the attic.

Will write soon,


37 thoughts on “Hello

  1. lx

    Dearest Charmaine,

    A very famous witch hunter in Bavaria has reason to believe that your Auntie may be a witch. That could explain some of these strange goings-on. Do be careful until this matter is resolved.

  2. Candice

    I smiled through these words especially as my mind was blown by the tiny bottle inside a bottle, that and the fact her balled up scraps of paper make my calligraphy attempts look even more sad lol.

    1. Scarlet

      Hello Candice!
      Thank you for the compliments 🙂 I’m sure my calligraphy looks more appealing screwed up… actually that bit shouldn’t have been screwed up…..

  3. nick

    Aunt Scarlet is guilty of dereliction of duty. She must write a post or face a severe whipping and an hour on the bed of nails.

    A good job you didn’t eat the gruel. Several visitors have carelessly eaten it, come over very poorly and never been seen again.

    1. Scarlet

      Nick… you are in a kinky mood! What with the whipping and bed of nails… I think all the argy bargy on your blog has raised your testosterone!

  4. IDV

    Dearest Charmaine,

    Do not listen to LX. I fear he may be out of his mind from staring too long at a swatch of Minion Yellow… Everyone knows there are no such thing as witches. *Ahem*

    ::Psst! LX. Stop filling this simple girl’s head with such ideas. And careful that you don’t get grease on you – There’s greasy chip paper everywhere!::

    1. Scarlet

      Don’t worry, Mr Devine, I have plans for Mr Lax…. just because he thought I was indisposed he has started spreading these hideous rumours.
      As for the chips, I did wonder why I kept smelling salt and vinegar.

  5. Exile on Pain Street

    Make sure Aunt Scarlet doesn’t count this as part of her one-post-per-week commitment. That’s cheating.

    I hate screwed up balls more than you’ll ever know.

    Tell her to hold another contest. And to not stop until I’ve finally won a cool prize.

    (See how I made this post all about me and my wants and needs? That’s my talent.)

  6. Princess

    Poor Aunt Scarlet! Driven to drink from the results of a very successful competition!
    Charmaine darling… Do her a favour and collect all the screwed up balls and post them out to the winners… thus saving her from continuous and repetitive perfectionist angst and delighting the winners with at least a small… even scrappy example of her potential calligraphic greatness.
    At least then she can stop obsessing and get on with writing a decent post!…
    Oh!…That reminds me…

  7. Nota Bene

    I’ve bottled out of commenting on this Charmaine on the basis that I’ve only just tripped over this journal and don’t want to make a social faux pas

  8. 63mago

    Tons of previously unknown BOTTLES !
    I feel the urge to dig !

    Darling Charmaine, some pics of the screwed up balls of your Aunt would come in handy. If you can manage to snap & post some more, I’m sure some of the readers here would very much appreciate your effort.

    BTW is your aunt out in the evening, returning late, a bit bedraggled perhaps, while there is always a thunderstorm over yer house ? I’m just asking to get a picture of your surroundings, no worries.
    If you feel the need to talk, just contact Sprenger&Institoris at Malleus Inc., a well known firm of consultants throughout Europe, actually the headquarters are in Spain.

    1. Scarlet

      So sorry to be tardy with my replies, Mr Mags! It’s been one of those weeks climaxing in one of those days.
      It is raining. It is windy. And a bird of prey killed my pigeon 😦

      1. Scarlet

        I didn’t own it… but I had grown fond. It had nested in a tree in my garden. A bird of prey had it for dinner last night.

  9. dinahmow

    There does seem to be some confusion and muddling and screwing-up going on over here. [checks moon phase, just in case…] But at least you’ve manged to post something. I am still falling back on lame excuses. My latest is that I’ve been blinded by my new, Minion Yellow house.Also, been off-line.

      1. 63mago

        It’S Wednesday and the masses gather in front of palace Chez-Scarlet, waiting in anticipation, ready to receive – the word 🙂

  10. Roses

    Dear Charmaine

    For your sake, I sincerely hope that when you bunked off for fish and chips you bought back decent tonic to go with your aunt’s gin.

    If you bought her that Schwepps crap, we need to sit down and have a little chat.

  11. Peter Wells aka Countingducks

    Dear Charmaine
    You are doing a very good job of looking after the Blog while Auntie is busy. The lesson here, is never to disturb a lady when she is being creative, especially if she is holding a pen with an especially sharpened nib

  12. lisleman

    “go up the chippy” – Let me guess, this means to go eat at fast food/roadside/small food vendor place.
    Things do often go better with Gin. I might look this up but maybe you already know because you’re British, didn’t the British invent Gin?

    1. Scarlet

      Orange… orange goes with gin…. with a nice slice of lime… probably the brightest thing I’ll see during this cold miserable British Summer….

  13. Pingback: Whatever Happened….? | Wonky Words

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