How May I Help?

Voice at the other end of the phone: Good afternoon, Digital Preservation Society, this is Lauren, how may I help you?

Ms Scarlet: Oh, hello, my name is Ms Scarlet, and I was wondering if I could have a grant to preserve my website and blog.

Lauren: Can you give me your website address?

Ms Scarlet: http://www.wonky-words.com

Lauren: One moment please…. [sound of extensive tapping on keyboard]….Hmmmm….I’m not really sure that your website qualifies. I mean, you get points for the traditional WordPress theme, but you’ve tinkered with it haven’t you? You’ve fiddled with the code to get the orange hover colour, I’m sorry, but I don’t think your site is something we would be interested in preserving. If you stripped it back to basics, got rid of the ducks, uploaded some useful content, then maybe we could look at it again.

Ms Scarlet: [sound of extensive sighing and muttering] Whaddooya mean????!! It has plenty of useful content!!! Look at the calligraphy; the bottles; the collages….the calligraphy…the…er… all the other interesting stuff….

Lauren: I’m sorry, but statistically speaking only 10 people are remotely engaging with your website per month, they are the same 10 people each and every month, and there is evidence to suggest that even these 10 are beginning to lose interest. There are a few rogue visitors from Pinterest, but they tend to not hang around; after they’ve looked at the Gold Gallery they click away to something more edifying. At a guess I believe they find your website confusing. There needs to be more original content; you need to finish your projects, and there needs to be some sense of coherence. Have you thought about trying Blogger as a publishing platform for your…er…words? The Digital Preservation Society has recently prioritised giving grants to Blogspot authors. Or perhaps a good fit for you would be writing things down on paper in a private journal away from prying eyes.

Ms Scarlet: [Sobbing extensively] So you’re saying that this is the end of Wonky Words?

Lauren: Please don’t get emotional, Ms Scarlet, you are overdramatising the situation, you have plenty of options available to you. I’m sorry that the Digital Preservation Society couldn’t help you today, please feel free to contact us again when you feel your website meets the criteria for a grant – details can be found on on the Digital Preservation website. Good day to you, Ms Scarlet. [Hangs up]

To be continued….perhaps.

26 thoughts on “How May I Help?

  1. batarde

    Blimey – confusion, unfinished projects and a general lack of coherence are the main reasons why I’m here, remotely engaged as ’twere. Be not despondent Ms Scarlet: you are clearly a prime candidate for preservation, and Lauren is merely a soulless apparatchik. I shall write a stiff letter, on 600gsm paper. Harrumph.

    B

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply
    1. Scarlet Post author

      Jon – You are a thoughtful friend ! Imagine, my own exhibition at the V&A! A major retrospective! I better finish the alphabet collage…and put dinner on.
      Sx

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    1. Scarlet Post author

      Mistress Maddy – I know, I always believed the ducks wearing sou’westers were genius. Sigh. Please send any US preservation societies my way – tell them I’m almost Royal or something. Thank you.
      Sx

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  2. nick

    I’m told Lauren is just an admin person who’s not supposed to speak to the public. She was clearly going beyond her job description and totally misunderstands the grant criteria. Phone them again and make sure you ask for Penelope. I think you’ll find her far more helpful.

    Get rid of the ducks indeed. The ducks are the lynch pin for the entire blog. It would be like killing off Pooh and Piglet.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  3. lisleman

    Funny that you mentioned Blogger. Where are these grants you speak of? I have the impression that blogger is low on the pecking order of anyone who pecks. Oh I mean blogs. The lofty edifying blogs reside on Medium. I just browsed over to Medium for a quick look. Can you believe they have a category titled Math? Moving on. A few off-on-a-tangent clicks and I found the blog titled, “The Privy Counsel (A Bog Blog)” on blogger. The privy blog apparently is the intellectual toilet blog.
    My conclusion from my short research is that there is space for all manners of blogs.
    Worried about your ducks? I suggest getting a Sharpie out, draw some lines, and declare they will be landing in Alabama soon. If anyone questions your idea, direct them to our White House to be straighten out.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    1. Scarlet Post author

      Bill – I had never heard of Medium – so thank you for that! And whilst ferreting around I also found Ghost. I will probably stick with WordPress, even though I still miss Blogspot – agreed, Blogger is low in the pecking order – BUT, I believe it’s the best platform for genuine social interaction.
      *Gets out Sharpie pen*
      Sx

      Liked by 1 person

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    1. Scarlet Post author

      Mr Devine – I swear I replied to your comment whilst I was on my phone – we seem to have another missing comment!
      I think I might have been over exaggerating when I said ten.
      Sx

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  4. 63mago

    Whod ?
    Musealise The Ducks ? !
    Who’s this Laureen anyway ?
    “Ten remote engagers” – like different persons ?! Or at least different IPs …
    Consistency I say, weathering short lived fashions. Alternatively ditch anything & start new, perhaps on blogger. Either well planned and thought through, or just jumping head onward without one single duck in sight.

    BTW “scarlet-blue” was crawled 43 times since August 2011 – see here.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. Scarlet Post author

      You have a time machine, Mr Mags?? Goodness! I am not going to put the ducks in the ditch, fear not. I have coughed up my subscription fee, so it looks like your stuck with me for another year. We will have to review the situation next September – I dread to think where we’ll all be by then. No point starting anew – it’ll only end up looking like it does here!
      Sx

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      1. Scarlet Post author

        Oh!!! I found them!! Yes, they do look like they should have been wearing protective head gear. Apologies, I didn’t look in the right place before…. And I scrolled down to Donald Trump!
        Sx

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  5. mrpeenee

    I fled for WordPress al those years ago when Blogger was its little censorship tantrum (reading about Tunrblr’s version last year was sort of nostalgic) and I’ve never missed them.

    And I do love the duckies.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. Scarlet Post author

      Are you on subscription WordPress, or Free, Mr Peenee? I have paid my subs now for another year, but I had to consider how much my decorative tinkerings meant to me. Plus, there’s the block editor to navigate – I mostly switch to Classic Editor, but I like to know how Block Editor works – it’s not particularly intuitive.
      Yep, the ducks are the digital equivalent to the china ducks my Gran had on her living room wall!
      Sx

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  6. nick

    Perhaps what you need is a handsomely remunerated chief executive (£50 million salary plus £100 million pension pot) to guide you through these troubled waters and bring you out safely on the other side. This seems to be what they do at Ryanair, British Airways etc.

    Liked by 1 person

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