All this talk about Scottish Widows has reminded me of this old advert post, published on my original blog in 2011, and then given another airing on this blog in 2016. 2016 was a long time ago wasn’t it? I can air it again.

Due to the sluggish financial market, staff at the Halifax have little to do. They are under strict instruction to only authorise two mortgages per year, and can only lend to people who don’t need loans. The financial advisers have all been made redundant, leaving the entire operation propped up by overenthusiastic members of the catering team. To improve morale staff have been authorised to set up a radio station in the basement of an NCP car park in Brewer’s Lane, London. They broadcast daily, via telegraphic transfer, to five mountain goats, three pigeons, and a lama in Suffolk.

Scottish widow Sandy and Co-operative Carol provide an entertaining breakfast show. They are a tight knit team. Originally they bonded over unit banking, which naturally progressed to a mutual interest investing their extra digits in hedge funds. Alas, they are so enamoured by one another that they have failed to notice the potential threat of a hostile takeover bid from tea boy, Derek. He has coveted their breakfast slots from afar and, in a spiteful effort to remove the women from the helm, he has sabotaged Sandy’s liquid assets. He completes this arm’s length transaction by passing Sandy her mug, the compromised handle breaks causing hot tea to spill across the mixing desk. Unfortunately for Derek it appears that Carol and Sandy are unfazed by life’s little dramas, after all they have each other, meaning that any accelerated depreciation is negligible. They smile sweetly and, still laughing, still singing from the same spreadsheet, they tell Derek that life is better with a beaver.

I have edited the hell out of this old post – if I ever publish it again it’ll probably be reduced 3 sentences and a photo of a cat.