Category Archives: Creative Writing

How To Make Money From Art

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2nd November 2006

When I had at last mastered the art of bottling I focussed my energies on artistic creativity; I retreated to my purpose built garret at the bottom of the garden and awaited inspiration. Crawling through the back passage of my emotions, I re-experienced hideous moments of my life that are probably best forgotten, it was a long painful journey, not without misgivings, but I was determined to suffer for my art, if I had to lie on a bed of nails and walk bare foot over burning coals, then so be it. Finally, when the sun was parallel to Pluto and Uranus was rising, my work was done. Ten bottles of feeling stood before me and I was a shadow of my former self, but there was no time for me to rest on my laurels, I had to show these masterpieces to the world….

instructions-on-how-to-make-money-in-the-art-industry

Temptation

‘Viridian Venus’ is a small local gallery run by Moonchild Etherington -Smythe, who in her own words is a ‘Visionary Artist’, to quote further, her works are ‘a product of innate personal vision’. In Moonchild’s case, these visions manifest themselves as childlike impressions of angels. Appearing well-groomed at all times, she strikes the perfect balance between ethnic charm and middle England authority…

a-bottle-with-a-huge-wad-of-money-in-it-sterling

Bottled Temptation

Moonchild was not overly keen on my bottles, she exclaimed that my soul was barren, that it was imperative that I release my bottled feelings immediately if I was to ever re-connect with my inner child. All I needed to do was sign up for one of her Visionary Workshops, it would only cost £500 and she would teach me to express the sound of a vacuum cleaner through the medium of paint.
I declined, I left her gallery leaving her to re-arrange her crystals; I was worried, confused, slightly disturbed whilst at the same time seriously impressed by her visionary commercial sense.

Where Did I Begin?

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bottled-text-1995

Ego 1995

Sometimes it feels right to take a step back, to retreat to the place when it all began to unravel. Maybe I am incorrect. Maybe this was the place when it all began to knit together. I remember that it was quiet, that there were no distractions and nobody could see or hear me, so it didn’t matter what I said.

25th October 2006
Having found myself involved in a bizarre woodland adventure, I was once again inspired to follow my artistic dream. In a sunlit glade I found spelt out with broken twigs the word ‘Whatever’. Daringly, and with no heed to caution, I changed the twigs to spell ‘Who?’, and so began a stilted yet fascinating, often disturbing, discourse. With my imagination brought alive at last, I decided to leave behind for now, my previous dabblings with clay on canvas and take on a new direction – in some ways inspired by my woodland conversation, but touched with humour and irony…. and possibly using a more visual medium.
So began the bottling.
Initially my experiments with bottling were explosive, shards of flying glass would become precariously lodged in the kitchen ceiling. The process was long and extremely dangerous, there were times when I would hold my head in my hands believing the project to be doomed to failure. Then one day – EUREKA!, I discovered an ancient technique that made the process almost foolproof, I have only electrocuted myself three times since.
glass-bottle

During this period I was ably supported by close friends and family who visited me more often than usual. They too were fascinated by the process of bottling and were keen to keep me readily supplied with suitable clear glass bottles. For example, in the aftermath of my failed experiments, my close friend Jules was often at my side eager to empty bottles. Her encouragement, enthusiasm, dedication, and her nifty way with a Bar Craft Connoisseur cork screw cannot be too highly commended; her contribution to the project cannot be overemphasized, she is a legend in her own lifetime… albeit a tad incoherent…. and wobbly on her pins….