Tag Archives: personal identity

When I grow up….

Before I continue with all things bottled I have a question: Who did you expect to be when you grew up? As a child I took it as read that I would grow up to be a sophisticated middle-aged woman who would travel the world wearing top of the range frocks from House of Fraser and make polite conversation, late into the night, with the occasional French gentleman. I believed my future would look something akin to this……

If this was not to be then I at least expected dinner party invitations for every night of the week so that I could stuff my face with After Eight mints whilst wearing the aforementioned top of the range frock, although perhaps something more slutty from Debenhams or British Home Stores [RIP]……

In a nutshell I expected a glittering, glamorous future, full of fancy frocks, and worthy enough to merit a pithy voiceover. When the transition from eating fish finger sandwiches from a tray on my lap in front of the telly to being an internationally adored lady of leisure with an inexhaustible expense account would happen I didn’t know, but happen it would. Only it didn’t. I am still waiting.

The problem is that the future I imagined is impossible because this future is very much set in the past. I was set up for disappointment the moment these adverts hit my TV screen. Did anyone ever live like this? In any case, the dinner parties I have attended have had more in common with this…

No fancy frocks, just best jeans and a paper napkin to protect a nice top from gravy staining. Sigh. Obviously I was a gullible child when I was suckered by these adverts, although in fairness, I was more taken with the lifestyles promoted than the actual products; we always had After Eights at Christmas and we were allowed to eat them for breakfast whilst wearing pyjamas.
Anyhow, before I get on with my bottle project let us return to my question: Who, or how, did you expect to be when you grew up? I am not expecting anyone to be as shallow as me, hopefully you all aspired to greater things than living life in an advertisement for After Eight.

Dissociative Fugue…

Patient Name : Unknown

Sex : Male/Female

Age : Approx. 35 – 85

Date of Admittance :  22/06/2007

Patient Notes :-

Patient was brought to us on the evening of 22/06/2007. She was found wearing jeans, sweater [from Top Shop], and only one wellington boot.

Police were called after an altercation occurred in The Booze Bucket off-licence, Dorchester High Street, when the owner of the premises tried to forcibly restrain the patient from emptying bottles of Campari on the floor before placing them in the shop window.

The patient is now under observation at River Piddle Hall House, in the care of Dr. Clive Mutterfort, DGM, MRCOG, MClinPscychol, MFFP, DCH, PhD, GCSE.

Questioning reveals that the patient has no recollection of who she is or where she is from. Her description does not match any missing person records in our missing persons database.

Other than two minor injuries, a twisted ankle and slight bruising to the head, the patient appears to be in good health.

The patient becomes overly distressed and anxious upon seeing a bottle, whether in reality or as a picture in a magazine; although It has been observed that the patient is particularly peaceful when watching episodes of either Eastenders or Coronation Street – despite both these programmes having pubs as their social focus.

25/06/2007 The patient asked for a notepad and pen….