Tag Archives: Mistress Maddie

PART 5 of The Epic Collaboration

Continued from HERE and also from HERE

Charmaine glared at me, and then started speaking louder than necessary.
“Are you going to write part 5 of the epic collaboration with Mr Devine, which YOU instigated, or are you going to drift off into hibernation for the rest of the Autumn?”
I squinted at her, and even through my narrowed eyes she was still the size of a bus. I had grown comfortable lodged on the sofa, eating chocolate and watching TV, and to be honest, I hadn’t a clue what the epic tale was about.
“Remind me, what is the story about?” I asked.
Charmaine’s face reddened like an overripe tomato aloft a lump of lard.
“Oh for God’s sake, Aunt Scarlet, it’s not rocket science! To bring you up to speed it’s kind of a mash up of Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty, with a dollop of Alice in Wonderland. All you need to know right now is that Mr Devine and Dinah are travelling on a flying Bathmat to Franconia to turn Mr Mags into Aidan Turner, they will then return in time for the ball at Mogwash Manor. Aidan Turner will then give you your lost wellington boot and you will both live happily ever after, though obviously not together.
“I’m sure you’re missing some detail, surely it can’t be that simple?”
“It has to be simple, there have been complaints,” said Charmaine, stoney faced, “for starters Mistress Maddie is so confused that she’s drinking even more gin than usual, and she’s rather upset because she hasn’t been given a starring role. Dinah is perturbed because she has TOO MUCH of a starring role and feels overexposed, whilst Melanie is politely bemused but is trying her hardest to keep up. Mistress MJ wants to throw cake over the whole sorry affair, though Jon is surprisingly engaged – this is because his award winning back passage has been a major feature in part 3 and part 4. Mitzi is keeping her head down and is studying fractions, whilst Mr Mags is neutral as he would rather sleep. Mr Batarde, Savvy, Kylie, Eryl, Nick, Bill, Looby, and Lulu, are threatening you with legal action should you have any ideas about writing them into any subsequent parts.
So, what does happen in part 5????”

“You want to know what happened up Jon’s award winning back passage in Sarf London?”
“YES!!! I do!!!”
“Well, it was lovely. We sat on his smoking bench surrounded by glorious blooms, whilst sycamore seeds descended from the skies. We listened to Liza Tarbuck on Radio 2 and we had tea and muffins. He gave me two bags of empty wine bottles, I thanked him, and assured him that nothing awful would happen to him in part 5. All was going splendidly until Sid cocked his leg over his Lilium candidum – Jon wasn’t best pleased – there was a lot of hosing down, mopping up, and muttering about acidic soiling, then he threw us out on the street.”

“AND???” Said Charmaine, somewhat exasperated.
“And what?”
“You need to give Mr Devine something to bounce off!”
“He’s fine! He’s floating on a bathmat over Franconia with Dinah – the next time I see either of them will be at the Mogwash Ball when they bring me Aidan Turner. All I can do now is wait patiently on the sofa, and perhaps ask Mistress Maddie, or Jon, to find me a jaw dropping gown.”
“No, that’s not good enough.”
“Okay, okay….. how about… he threw us out on the street just as a large octopus sucker bathmat carrying three people crash landed up his back passage….

“How does this all end?” Asked Charmaine.
“Badly, I imagine.”
“You’ll never make it as a novelist.”
“I know that,” I replied, “but I can still take nice photographs of Sid.”

To be continued over the cusp.

Bursting in at Bedtime?

Time for a new, and possibly vague post, and what could be more fitting than a comforting little bed-jacket, hmmmm?

To be fair I think this lady is better equipped for critical girlfriends bursting into the sleeping chamber unannounced…

I have some exciting news [especially for Rimpy] – the FGES have arrived in the US and are safely in the hands of Mistress Maddie. I am wondering if there is a FGES curse, as those who win them seem to go to ground at the very sight of them, and sometimes the winners are never seen again. Let’s hope this isn’t the case with Maddie.
Along with the shorts I also sent Maddie a little something that was sort of British. I should have sent Devonshire scones with jam and cream – or at least a picture of this produce, but I made a collage instead.

Meanwhile – HAPPY EASTER!!!!! Have a wonderful weekend and if you intend on spending time in the garden please remember to protect yourself with a substantial 4 ply woollen.

P.S Please ignore the top ‘feature’ picture, as this is for the benefit of Mr Devine, he has left his blog unattended, and this is what happens if you leave your blog without the necessary security. I’m crossing my fingers that his sideboard will be disturbed, which will prompt him to at least pop by for a little light dusting.

NEXT WEEK: Easter bonnets, or woollen swimming caps? You decide!!!

And The Winner Is……..

Oh thank goodness… Mr Devine has written this post for me, which is a summary of the best captions left for the legendary Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts competition, and reads as follows…

So many great captions! I think they’re all fabulous – especially one or two that probably aren’t captions – here are some of my favourites so far (not that my opinion means anything, of course):
Batarde’s “Nice boots and sofa.” – I imagine it said like Worf does, HERE

Norma(n)’s “Why would I want anything from someone who gives enemas to their xmas ornaments before storing them?”

lisleman’s “Scarlet taps into her secret cache of Cognac.”

Maddie’s “This will only be a small prick, I promise.”

Rimpy’s “These damned vape pens are so hard to refill!” (And I LOVE “Dr Scarlet Jinglepants”!)

and Savvy’s “Scarlet, so lithe, winsome, and delicate had to resort to using her hiking boots and dog to avoid sliding off her fabulous furry sofa whilst wearing the World Famous Freaking Green Elf Shorts which are made from the finest polyester velvet!”

You have your work cut out for you, Ms Scarlet. I’m so excited to find out where the Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts will end up next!

Well, Mr Devine, the wait is over!!! I am boxing the shorts up as I type [no mean feat], and collecting other bits of British tat treasure from around the house to send on to Mistress Maddie!!!!!!! I might even include a frozen Codfangler!!!!

CONGRATULATIONS MISTRESS MADDIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My question is: Does Mistress Maddie ever do small pricks????

How Maddie might look in the FGES!

*BTW, My favourite Mr Devine caption was:- ‘Desperate for a wee – and using the Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts to soak up any unintended leakages – Ms Scarlet applies the final speck of glitter to her artisinal Christmas bauble that she started making six months ago. She should finish the set of six by 2024…’

**AND, even though Mr Devine wrote most of this post I still had to do all the links, and I am very tired now.