Iseldom speak of the day when I pranced around in a field in nothing more than a badly fitting nightie, whilst chanting repetitively for 6 hours and 43 minutes. Friends and family considered my behaviour to be environmental folly with a strong whiff of self-indulgent twaddle, and also extremely irritating, but they didn’t have my vision, or know a film producer with 45 acres of hemp.

For the first time ever my friends and family were correct, my behaviour was completely out of character, and my vision a little bit blurred. To start with I would never wear a nightie because fleece lined pyjamas are my nightwear of choice; and I would never trample wild flowers underfoot. Judging by my embarrassed demeanour and glazed expression I can only imagine that I was coerced to drone on endlessly about daisies in such a tedious fashion, for which I can only apologise. Perhaps I had entered some kind of bizarre beauty pageant to become Little Ms Ditzy 1978. Who knows? Let us never speak of this incident again.

I mean, it might look divine to prance through long grass bare foot with a daisy chain wrapped around your head, but trust me, it isn’t, well not unless you’re some kind of wide eyed bovine. The ground in a field is uneven, it is lumpen, often soggy, and strewn with cowpats. And please be aware that bare legs and a flimsy white garment will offer no protection from tics, snakes, and creepy-crawlies such as red ants, wasps, horse-flies, and hornets. I would recommend sturdy boots and insect repellent for anyone intent on trampling through the undergrowth. Never wear white as it attracts storm flies – well most flies to be honest – and also mud. Finally, never sit in a tree in your nightie as this situation is ripe for an unfortunate ending.
As I said, Let us never speak of this incident again.

This has been some kind of public information broadcast about the perils of wearing unsuitable clothing in the British countryside, brought to you by someone who has learnt the hard way.

Thank you, and have a well attired Bank Holiday Weekend.