Exotic Places

Thwarted in my attempt to buy Greenland, I have spent the week searching for an alternative purchase. I travelled far and wide, up hill and down a dale; I navigated dangerous terrains; I fought with malicious insects; until finally I was desperate for the loo and wound up here…

An Island!!!! Just sitting in the sea waiting for me to invade! Perhaps I could turn it into a golfing resort? Imagine – a sprawling hotel featuring a multitude of sandy bunkers with those cute mini flag poles planted over the plush green lawns. And there will be holes!!! [what do I know about golfing terminology?]. I’m sure the puffins wouldn’t mind. Or Perhaps I should give up on this buying an island malarkey, after all, I only have 60p and a dog-eared luncheon voucher in my purse, perhaps a feud with Denmark would be easier to instigate?

Meanwhile, I have some pictures of summer leaving Devon….

The last blue sky of summer
Useful coves for smuggling pursuits
Last days of Summer

Now, let us speak of more pressing matters, like why is this blog post a day late? Because I was bitten on the ankle by a Horse Fly, so obviously I could do nothing other than sit on the sofa with my leg up to reduce the huge itchy swelling. Nothing could possibly be as itchy as a Horse Fly bite – it gave me a couple of sleepless nights and made me very grumpy.

Next week: How to start a feud with the golfing fraternity – A beginner’s guide.

Stuff I Haven’t done….

Ihave been distracted this week and have nothing to show for my distraction. I have no idea what I have done this week other than buy a horizontal arm for my tripod – no one should be without one in my opinion.

Anyhow, with this in mind I have written a list of 10 things I didn’t manage to do in the last 7 days. I didn’t:-

  1. Buy Greenland
  2. Charter a private jet to annoy environmentalists
  3. Visit my blog friends
  4. Use a river as an open sewer [I have a septic tank]
  5. Get a surprise from a high jumping dolphin
  6. Encounter french resistance
  7. Drink a mug of gravy
  8. Start a feud with Denmark
  9. Finish my collage alphabet
  10. Get a surprise from a smoking kipper

So I have been dull, dull, dull! Just look what everybody else is doing! Maybe I should retitle this list as: Things To Do Next Week, now there’s a plan.

X for….?

Ihave little to report this week. It is raining, blah, blah, blah. The mud and the weeds are doing well. A spider jumped out of my bath towel yesterday when I was drying myself; a scream followed. Other than this nothing much has happened.

I have though, been working on my collage alphabet. I have nearly finished it! I was fed up by the time I’d completed ‘m’ and wasn’t sure if I had the will to go on, but I powered through. I’ve realised that I’m not good at creating collections.

I was a little inventive when it came to the letter ‘u’…..

u-for-unicorn-collage-with-calligraphy-and-gilded-letter-uk

I had to adapt, and recreate a drawing from the book I’ve been using to illustrate my alphabet. Whilst I was doing this I began to fret about the letter ‘x’. What was I going to do? Should I try to draw a xylophone? I pondered making an x-ray image of one of my tiny bears, but dismissed this idea because it wouldn’t fit with the rest of the alphabet [I have put this idea on hold and is something I will do when I have finished the alphabet]. I fretted some more for ten minutes and then thought what the hell….

x-for-xmas

…..after all, who hasn’t heard of the Xmas Duck????? I like ducks. They look especially fetching when wearing hats. I could have done an Xmas Unicorn, which would have been interesting.

Shall we have a tune?

Swede Dreams

Ilaid back on my chaise longue, which is a worn purple velvet affair swamped with grubby throws and cushions, Charmaine loomed above me – glasses poised at the end of her nose – notebook and pencil in hand.

“I have to practice, Aunt Scarlet, now close your eyes and relax”

I muttered something about wishing I’d taught her modern calligraphy. It was my own fault that I was now being subjected to Charmaine’s latest fancy, which was to train as a dream counsellor.

“Would you like to have a go with my vintage 303 nib?” I asked, with a pleading intonation.

Charmaine ignored me and chewed the end of her pencil as she flicked through her notebook. She looked displeased, and in exasperation she threw the notebook aside and took a huge tome from a picnic basket that she had dragged into my studio from the hallway. The huge tome thudded onto my desk causing my collection of tiny bears to topple over.

Opening the Dictionary of Dreams, Charmaine thumbed through the pages in an expert fashion, but couldn’t seem to find what she was looking for. I knew this because her brows had knitted themselves into a puzzled frown.

“So you’re saying that he was creeping up to your house across a muddy field? He looked like a scarecrow and every time you looked out of the window he froze and stood still? He wasn’t chasing you? You were making soup? And you felt strongly that it was Autumn, and that the scarecrow was Swedish?”

“I didn’t say he was Swedish! I said he was a swede! Look you silly girl, it was exactly like this…”

Charmaine’s brows unravelled to reveal a wide-eyed expression and I swear she looked almost relieved, but also a tad annoyed. In my defence I seldom remember my dreams, but she was so keen; I didn’t think it would hurt to be inventive.

Dropping Off

Panic!! My bloomers have dropped off and I know not what to do! My orchid has been flowering since it came to live with me in March, but now the flowers are falling onto my mantelpiece. I knew they wouldn’t last forever, but what am I supposed to do with the two stalks I am left with? My first thoughts were to ask Jon and Dinah as they are knowledgeable about all things exotic, but being an impatient soul I couldn’t wait for replies to this post, so I have also consulted the internet.

Dropping off
Notes on an orchid

I am now calm. My orchid is being normal and is doing normal orchid things.

In other news:- I am still making my collage alphabet for my shop – I know, I am taking ages to fill it, and there has been only one item available since May? I will stock it properly when the alphabet is complete, the good news is that I am up to the letter ‘p’. Here is some evidence of activity….

collage-collection
Breeding…

I am not sure when the alphabet will be complete as I keep being distracted by other things to do, such as practicing italic…

scroll-nib-italic-calligraphy
A bit scruffy…

This is the first italic calligraphy I’ve done in over a year. I used the scroll nib because I thought it would be more forgiving. Ha! I am certainly inconsistent!

Next Friday: The FGES. Where are they now? Are they clean? And when will the film be made?

Not a Post

Iam not writing a post today because I am blank. There will be no words. No insightful repartee. Nada. I feel like I’ve only had 3hrs sleep in the last 5 weeks and this has left me groggy and grumpy. AND, I have no whisky left.

Here is a picture. It is of a piece of brown paper and features white writing.

what-fresh-hell-is-this

I wrote this with Mistress MJ in mind because I believe it’s one of her favourite quotes. I kind of liked the challenge of adding a shadow effect on such tiny writing.

Anyhow, to complete this post, which isn’t a post, but simply the mumblings of an addled person who is having intrusive thoughts about baby blue royal icing, here is a tune…

I chose this tune because of the slam-door trains in the video. I once got my thumb stuck in the hinge of a slam door. I slammed the door and then wondered why I couldn’t sit down, thankfully a fellow commuter opened the door and released me. Another fellow commuter passed out.

Let’s hope I have something more edifying for next Friday.