A Trail of Splinters….

Charmaine glared up at me, her eyes glowing from a small dark hole in the floor, which we referred to as the cellar, but was actually just a small dark hole in the floor capable of concealing two bodies, or Charmaine.

‘Why have you stopped writing The Sunday Ketchup?’ She hissed.

I shrugged. It was a fair question.

‘Am bored with it; nothing has happened; and I don’t like the word ‘Ketchup’,’ I replied, ‘it’s so Daily Mail.’

Charmaine heaved her way up through the floor and stood in front of my desk dusting herself down.

‘That’s ridiculous, Aunt Scarlet! Just post some pictures! Any pictures!’

And then she stomped off, leaving a trail of splinters in her wake and forgetting to lay the rug back over the hole.

It was true, I did have pictures, but I had no words. The best I could find from my very secret journal was: I think Estee Lauder discontinued Double Wear Light foundation because a little went a long way, hence it wasn’t generating enough repeat buys often enough – that’s my theory. Bastards.

I had written few emails, and the best line I could find was: My walks are fairly long for someone with short legs.

By comparison my calligraphy practice had taken an inventive turn:-

I had also thought ahead regarding The Great Gardening Blogging Event 2022, and had taken a photograph of some Snowdrops:-

AND, I had been sorting through my mother’s old knitting patterns in view of using them for future collages, and I’d found this:-

Maybe Charmaine was right, I did have enough content to make a post. All I had to do now was to spin it together and make some sense of it all….without using the word ‘ketchup’.

Next week: Will Aunt Scarlet write something more interesting? Will her calligraphy become legible? Will she trip on a misplaced rug and fall down a hole? Or will she see sense, stop trying to write sentences, and simply slap up pictures from knitting patterns instead? All will be revealed in the next enthralling post on Wonky Words! Bet you can’t wait.

And The Winner Is……..

Oh thank goodness… Mr Devine has written this post for me, which is a summary of the best captions left for the legendary Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts competition, and reads as follows…

So many great captions! I think they’re all fabulous – especially one or two that probably aren’t captions – here are some of my favourites so far (not that my opinion means anything, of course):
Batarde’s “Nice boots and sofa.” – I imagine it said like Worf does, HERE

Norma(n)’s “Why would I want anything from someone who gives enemas to their xmas ornaments before storing them?”

lisleman’s “Scarlet taps into her secret cache of Cognac.”

Maddie’s “This will only be a small prick, I promise.”

Rimpy’s “These damned vape pens are so hard to refill!” (And I LOVE “Dr Scarlet Jinglepants”!)

and Savvy’s “Scarlet, so lithe, winsome, and delicate had to resort to using her hiking boots and dog to avoid sliding off her fabulous furry sofa whilst wearing the World Famous Freaking Green Elf Shorts which are made from the finest polyester velvet!”

You have your work cut out for you, Ms Scarlet. I’m so excited to find out where the Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts will end up next!

Well, Mr Devine, the wait is over!!! I am boxing the shorts up as I type [no mean feat], and collecting other bits of British tat treasure from around the house to send on to Mistress Maddie!!!!!!! I might even include a frozen Codfangler!!!!

CONGRATULATIONS MISTRESS MADDIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My question is: Does Mistress Maddie ever do small pricks????

How Maddie might look in the FGES!

*BTW, My favourite Mr Devine caption was:- ‘Desperate for a wee – and using the Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts to soak up any unintended leakages – Ms Scarlet applies the final speck of glitter to her artisinal Christmas bauble that she started making six months ago. She should finish the set of six by 2024…’

**AND, even though Mr Devine wrote most of this post I still had to do all the links, and I am very tired now.

Resolution no.1 – Get rid of THE SHORTS.

Happy New Year!!!!! And welcome to THE FREAKIN’ GREEN ELF SHORTS COMPETITION!!!!!!

A rough guide to the competition:-

The legend of the FGES [Freakin’ Green Elf shorts] began in Ohio, USA in 2004 when Andrea Knapp (a British ex-pat) bought a pair of novelty Elf Shorts for her husband George as a gag gift. For a laugh, Andrea took a photograph of George wearing the shorts and posted the pic on her blog. Andrea then decided to turn it into a caption competition, not thinking ANYONE would want to win them…. and the rest is Blogging history.

The general idea of the ‘Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts’ Caption Competition is to post a photo of yourself on your blog, wearing THE SHORTS.

Whoever comes up with the best caption wins THE SHORTS.

The current holder of THE SHORTS then sends the winner THE SHORTS and a few souvenirs from their country.

A definitive history of THE SHORTS can be found HERE. Many thanks to Rimpy for this incredibly detailed history!

So, without further ado, here is my photograph for you to caption…..

You have until Saturday 15th January 2022 to caption the photograph by leaving a comment on this post with your entry. The winner will be announced on Sunday 16th January 2022 [GMT].

GOOD LUCK!!!!

Sunday Ketchup – The Cancelled Week

Who would have thought that cancel culture would catch up with Santa and cancel him?! That’ll teach him to invite small children into his grotto. Anyhow, Christmas has not yet been cancelled, but it could be on the cards, and talking of cards – mine are in the post!

Admittedly, I am too late for Italy and the US, but as Christmas might be postponed then I guess these cards still might get there in time.
It was a joy to ink the name ‘Borghese’ – ascenders and descenders in all the right places!

AND, my tree is up!

In my very secret journal I wrote: The sofa has arrived!!!! The delivery men launched it into the hallway and fled, hopefully leaving no time to exchange particles of Covid.

And in the very last email I wrote I said: I honestly could have slept from the moment they jabbed me in the arm – I sort of glazed over, and although still functioning I didn’t feel quite right. Much more myself today.

BUT, that was on Monday, and to be fair the rest of the week was a bit of a spaced out blur, and I only really started feeling okay yesterday – though I’m still pleased I had the booster, BUT, not so keen on the idea of having one every 3-6 months.
Because I have been indisposed, I think I now need to catch up with my blog reading…..

A tune….

The Sunday Ketchup – Booster week!

I have had my booster. I had it yesterday, so my arm still aches and I still feel a little groggy. I had my first Covid vaccine [AstraZenneca], way back in March and at the surgery I attended there was a feeling of hope; this time round there was more a vibe of resigned gloom. It has been a bad week for Covid news.

There was another storm called Barra on 7th December – so more guffs of wind and more rain and therefore more mud. I was going to entitle this post ‘A Barra of laughs’, but thought better of it.

Meanwhile, I have finished writing the Christmas card addresses!!! Yay!!! All went well until Friday when I spent the day writing one address – this happens with my calligraphy – sometimes it just doesn’t look right, or good enough, so I spend hours trying to make it look at least okay. At the end of the day I might have 26 versions of the same address that look identical. So silly. When I do this it means I have broken my ‘no rewrite rule’.
In my Very Secret Journal I wrote: I vow to never write calligraphy again!

And on a different day I wrote: I think I’m allowing my inner teenager to dictate my choices.

From my emails I wrote the following: I read The Guardian’s report that GPs are working ’til they drop – so was surprised when my doctor gave me time to bring up my knee issues, he usually swerves anything off-topic, and controls the conversation so that it ends when he wants it to – I think he’s okay so long as I don’t allude to the menopause.

Photograph of the week:-

My Money Plant is in bud!

My Money plant is about to flower – I guess this is a good thing?

Finally, no collages due to the calligraphy overload, but a tune. I think I need a tune to cheer me up – something to give me a bit of an extra boost….

Sunday Ketchup – The Omicron Week

So, December started well then, with a brand new Covid variant to send us into panic mode, and Storm Arwen, which plunged many of us into darkness, ahem. Things can only get better?

Meanwhile, I have been pondering my blog – if I am to keep the mantle of ‘Blogger’ I really ought to blog more often; more regularly; MORE CONSISTENTLY! With this in mind I have devised a new hook to hang regular posts on. I will attempt to post every Sunday like wot I used to, and my hook will be called: Sunday Ketchup. It will be a random account of my week and will include quotes from my journal [my very secret journal that I show no-one ever!]; photographs; collages; calligraphy; and, of course, the obligatory piece of Sunday music. How thrilled you must be to read of my good intentions. Again. Let us proceed…

The week began so well, and looked so pink and pretty….

I managed to do some calligraphy for Christmas cards, all was going well…

calligraphy for christmas cards

….but then I wrote this in my journal…

I swear I saw the Grim Reaper, he was driving an old black Audi; he had long black hair, grey skin and very blue eyes. He waved as he drove past – slowly and deliberately. It wasn’t my turn.

….and mid-week I found myself writing this in an email…

This means that on Monday I will ring the Omni Supplier team again, and have another Groundhog conversation with them. I actually don’t think I can bear to do that!

By Friday I was creating collages like this…

…and now I just I want to listen to this…

And that was the week that was. Let’s hope next week turns out better.

Oh, please make a note in your diary – The FGES caption competition will be held on 1st January 2022 and the winner announced on 31st January 2022. Thought I ought to mention that.