How May I Help?

Voice at the other end of the phone: Good afternoon, Digital Preservation Society, this is Lauren, how may I help you?

Ms Scarlet: Oh, hello, my name is Ms Scarlet, and I was wondering if I could have a grant to preserve my website and blog.

Lauren: Can you give me your website address?

Ms Scarlet: http://www.wonky-words.com

Lauren: One moment please…. [sound of extensive tapping on keyboard]….Hmmmm….I’m not really sure that your website qualifies. I mean, you get points for the traditional WordPress theme, but you’ve tinkered with it haven’t you? You’ve fiddled with the code to get the orange hover colour, I’m sorry, but I don’t think your site is something we would be interested in preserving. If you stripped it back to basics, got rid of the ducks, uploaded some useful content, then maybe we could look at it again.

Ms Scarlet: [sound of extensive sighing and muttering] Whaddooya mean????!! It has plenty of useful content!!! Look at the calligraphy; the bottles; the collages….the calligraphy…the…er… all the other interesting stuff….

Lauren: I’m sorry, but statistically speaking only 10 people are remotely engaging with your website per month, they are the same 10 people each and every month, and there is evidence to suggest that even these 10 are beginning to lose interest. There are a few rogue visitors from Pinterest, but they tend to not hang around; after they’ve looked at the Gold Gallery they click away to something more edifying. At a guess I believe they find your website confusing. There needs to be more original content; you need to finish your projects, and there needs to be some sense of coherence. Have you thought about trying Blogger as a publishing platform for your…er…words? The Digital Preservation Society has recently prioritised giving grants to Blogspot authors. Or perhaps a good fit for you would be writing things down on paper in a private journal away from prying eyes.

Ms Scarlet: [Sobbing extensively] So you’re saying that this is the end of Wonky Words?

Lauren: Please don’t get emotional, Ms Scarlet, you are overdramatising the situation, you have plenty of options available to you. I’m sorry that the Digital Preservation Society couldn’t help you today, please feel free to contact us again when you feel your website meets the criteria for a grant – details can be found on on the Digital Preservation website. Good day to you, Ms Scarlet. [Hangs up]

To be continued….perhaps.

Another Collage!!!

Ihave been unwell this week, meaning the post I meant to bring you is still languishing in my notebook, unfinished and untyped. You are not missing much. There are two references to chocolate, and something about having several flirtatious encounters by 1pm. Nothing new there then. I believe I began writing this post back in May, what are the chances of me finishing it in time for next Friday? We shall see.

In other news: Brexit = headache + sore eyes + raging tinnitus ÷ hope = despair

So, with this in mind here is a picture of my latest collage. The pictures aren’t the best because I had already framed the collage before remembering to take some pictures. PLEASE NOTE, the drawing of the tree is not by me. It is something I’ve had in my care for many years and I’m pleased to finally have it on display.

collage-with-calligraphy-script-and-tree-drawing
paper-collage-with-vintage-and-new-paper-with-lettering
pencil-drawing-with-cursive-calligraphy-in-collage-uk

Next Week:- How to wear an inappropriate dress in November and not feel the chill.

Exotic Places

Thwarted in my attempt to buy Greenland, I have spent the week searching for an alternative purchase. I travelled far and wide, up hill and down a dale; I navigated dangerous terrains; I fought with malicious insects; until finally I was desperate for the loo and wound up here…

An Island!!!! Just sitting in the sea waiting for me to invade! Perhaps I could turn it into a golfing resort? Imagine – a sprawling hotel featuring a multitude of sandy bunkers with those cute mini flag poles planted over the plush green lawns. And there will be holes!!! [what do I know about golfing terminology?]. I’m sure the puffins wouldn’t mind. Or Perhaps I should give up on this buying an island malarkey, after all, I only have 60p and a dog-eared luncheon voucher in my purse, perhaps a feud with Denmark would be easier to instigate?

Meanwhile, I have some pictures of summer leaving Devon….

The last blue sky of summer
Useful coves for smuggling pursuits
Last days of Summer

Now, let us speak of more pressing matters, like why is this blog post a day late? Because I was bitten on the ankle by a Horse Fly, so obviously I could do nothing other than sit on the sofa with my leg up to reduce the huge itchy swelling. Nothing could possibly be as itchy as a Horse Fly bite – it gave me a couple of sleepless nights and made me very grumpy.

Next week: How to start a feud with the golfing fraternity – A beginner’s guide.

Stuff I Haven’t done….

Ihave been distracted this week and have nothing to show for my distraction. I have no idea what I have done this week other than buy a horizontal arm for my tripod – no one should be without one in my opinion.

Anyhow, with this in mind I have written a list of 10 things I didn’t manage to do in the last 7 days. I didn’t:-

  1. Buy Greenland
  2. Charter a private jet to annoy environmentalists
  3. Visit my blog friends
  4. Use a river as an open sewer [I have a septic tank]
  5. Get a surprise from a high jumping dolphin
  6. Encounter french resistance
  7. Drink a mug of gravy
  8. Start a feud with Denmark
  9. Finish my collage alphabet
  10. Get a surprise from a smoking kipper

So I have been dull, dull, dull! Just look what everybody else is doing! Maybe I should retitle this list as: Things To Do Next Week, now there’s a plan.

X for….?

Ihave little to report this week. It is raining, blah, blah, blah. The mud and the weeds are doing well. A spider jumped out of my bath towel yesterday when I was drying myself; a scream followed. Other than this nothing much has happened.

I have though, been working on my collage alphabet. I have nearly finished it! I was fed up by the time I’d completed ‘m’ and wasn’t sure if I had the will to go on, but I powered through. I’ve realised that I’m not good at creating collections.

I was a little inventive when it came to the letter ‘u’…..

u-for-unicorn-collage-with-calligraphy-and-gilded-letter-uk

I had to adapt, and recreate a drawing from the book I’ve been using to illustrate my alphabet. Whilst I was doing this I began to fret about the letter ‘x’. What was I going to do? Should I try to draw a xylophone? I pondered making an x-ray image of one of my tiny bears, but dismissed this idea because it wouldn’t fit with the rest of the alphabet [I have put this idea on hold and is something I will do when I have finished the alphabet]. I fretted some more for ten minutes and then thought what the hell….

x-for-xmas

…..after all, who hasn’t heard of the Xmas Duck????? I like ducks. They look especially fetching when wearing hats. I could have done an Xmas Unicorn, which would have been interesting.

Shall we have a tune?

Swede Dreams

Ilaid back on my chaise longue, which is a worn purple velvet affair swamped with grubby throws and cushions, Charmaine loomed above me – glasses poised at the end of her nose – notebook and pencil in hand.

“I have to practice, Aunt Scarlet, now close your eyes and relax”

I muttered something about wishing I’d taught her modern calligraphy. It was my own fault that I was now being subjected to Charmaine’s latest fancy, which was to train as a dream counsellor.

“Would you like to have a go with my vintage 303 nib?” I asked, with a pleading intonation.

Charmaine ignored me and chewed the end of her pencil as she flicked through her notebook. She looked displeased, and in exasperation she threw the notebook aside and took a huge tome from a picnic basket that she had dragged into my studio from the hallway. The huge tome thudded onto my desk causing my collection of tiny bears to topple over.

Opening the Dictionary of Dreams, Charmaine thumbed through the pages in an expert fashion, but couldn’t seem to find what she was looking for. I knew this because her brows had knitted themselves into a puzzled frown.

“So you’re saying that he was creeping up to your house across a muddy field? He looked like a scarecrow and every time you looked out of the window he froze and stood still? He wasn’t chasing you? You were making soup? And you felt strongly that it was Autumn, and that the scarecrow was Swedish?”

“I didn’t say he was Swedish! I said he was a swede! Look you silly girl, it was exactly like this…”

Charmaine’s brows unravelled to reveal a wide-eyed expression and I swear she looked almost relieved, but also a tad annoyed. In my defence I seldom remember my dreams, but she was so keen; I didn’t think it would hurt to be inventive.