New Post!!!!

…..or is it?

IS IT??? No seriously, it isn’t really. It is a holding post. I post that is to pop up to say: I am still here, but I am working through ‘stuff’, so I am not here really. I am kind of convinced that nobody else is here either. All gone.

Well, this all makes perfect sense.

I miss my mum.

I am in denial re Christmas, and the general election.

Here is one of my collages:-

mixed-media-collage-with-gilded-letter-g-and-calligraphy

I have been accepted to sell my wares on the new British Craft House website. I am HERE, but I am having problems setting up the payment whatnots… and what with the Etsy shop as well I am feeling like I’ve opened a small shopping precinct, and none of it feels right. All these marketing people are very jolly, and bouncy, and overexcitable, and I simply feel ill at ease and uncomfortable.

I don’t know what I am doing really. I just want to go somewhere and have a good cry. Then I’m sure I will feel better.

Addendum

My dad died yesterday. So I will be away for a while having a good cry.

Calligraphy Practice…and 50p

Not only have I been scrubbing, and opening shops, but, since last Wednesday I have also been practicing my calligraphy every morning. I do it whilst listening to the news and write phrases and headlines that pique my interest.

calligraphy-practice-sheets-2019
Can’t do ‘D’!

My practice includes all my mistakes, spelling and otherwise. I have a calligraphy confession – after 9 years of practicing copperplate I still can’t form a proper capital ‘D’. I use a simpler version when I write a D. In today’s practice we can see that my struggle is real, and rather ugly.

I also have a problem with numbers….and lowercase x – which is a bit of an issue when writing UK news headlines. I am working on the x. And the numbers. On the plus side, because I am writing down bits of news, I am learning stuff…. like the fifty pence piece was introduced in 1969 and was generally disliked. I always rather liked it because it was a funny shape and I could buy a lot of sweets with it.

I tend to switch nibs and ink whilst I practice; I am trying to note down which nib and ink I’m using, but I don’t always remember. Today I opened a fresh bottle of Ecoline – hence my writing went a bit blobby cos the ink was runny.

daily-calligraphy-practice

I apologise for the poor quality of the pictures – I have no idea what to blame for that – too much fiddling with the light controls whilst editing perhaps?

My next mission is to start reading books again so that I have something exciting to put on a chair. Right, I must be away because I need to do something urgent with a sonic scrubber….

Exciting News!!! Shop now open!!!

Iam now available to buy on Etsy!!! Not me personally [that would be illegal], but my collages. It has taken me forever to make enough collages, photograph them all, and then tackle the steep learning curve that is Etsy, and although my shop isn’t the slickest in town, it is open, and it’s enough for now. I have added a link on my sidebar.

collage-with-gilded-letter-r-and-drawing-of-rook
Shop now open!!

Other news: I have been scrubbing. My house is now a dust free zone, and I have very shiny taps. I had let things slide a little since March and I suddenly snapped – my inner domestic goddess came alive and found there was fun to be had with a flexible hose and a long-nosed crevice attachment. She even moved the furniture.

So that’s what I’ve been doing. Apologies for the blog neglect. I am back now.

How May I Help?

Voice at the other end of the phone: Good afternoon, Digital Preservation Society, this is Lauren, how may I help you?

Ms Scarlet: Oh, hello, my name is Ms Scarlet, and I was wondering if I could have a grant to preserve my website and blog.

Lauren: Can you give me your website address?

Ms Scarlet: http://www.wonky-words.com

Lauren: One moment please…. [sound of extensive tapping on keyboard]….Hmmmm….I’m not really sure that your website qualifies. I mean, you get points for the traditional WordPress theme, but you’ve tinkered with it haven’t you? You’ve fiddled with the code to get the orange hover colour, I’m sorry, but I don’t think your site is something we would be interested in preserving. If you stripped it back to basics, got rid of the ducks, uploaded some useful content, then maybe we could look at it again.

Ms Scarlet: [sound of extensive sighing and muttering] Whaddooya mean????!! It has plenty of useful content!!! Look at the calligraphy; the bottles; the collages….the calligraphy…the…er… all the other interesting stuff….

Lauren: I’m sorry, but statistically speaking only 10 people are remotely engaging with your website per month, they are the same 10 people each and every month, and there is evidence to suggest that even these 10 are beginning to lose interest. There are a few rogue visitors from Pinterest, but they tend to not hang around; after they’ve looked at the Gold Gallery they click away to something more edifying. At a guess I believe they find your website confusing. There needs to be more original content; you need to finish your projects, and there needs to be some sense of coherence. Have you thought about trying Blogger as a publishing platform for your…er…words? The Digital Preservation Society has recently prioritised giving grants to Blogspot authors. Or perhaps a good fit for you would be writing things down on paper in a private journal away from prying eyes.

Ms Scarlet: [Sobbing extensively] So you’re saying that this is the end of Wonky Words?

Lauren: Please don’t get emotional, Ms Scarlet, you are overdramatising the situation, you have plenty of options available to you. I’m sorry that the Digital Preservation Society couldn’t help you today, please feel free to contact us again when you feel your website meets the criteria for a grant – details can be found on on the Digital Preservation website. Good day to you, Ms Scarlet. [Hangs up]

To be continued….perhaps.

Another Collage!!!

Ihave been unwell this week, meaning the post I meant to bring you is still languishing in my notebook, unfinished and untyped. You are not missing much. There are two references to chocolate, and something about having several flirtatious encounters by 1pm. Nothing new there then. I believe I began writing this post back in May, what are the chances of me finishing it in time for next Friday? We shall see.

In other news: Brexit = headache + sore eyes + raging tinnitus ÷ hope = despair

So, with this in mind here is a picture of my latest collage. The pictures aren’t the best because I had already framed the collage before remembering to take some pictures. PLEASE NOTE, the drawing of the tree is not by me. It is something I’ve had in my care for many years and I’m pleased to finally have it on display.

collage-with-calligraphy-script-and-tree-drawing
paper-collage-with-vintage-and-new-paper-with-lettering
pencil-drawing-with-cursive-calligraphy-in-collage-uk

Next Week:- How to wear an inappropriate dress in November and not feel the chill.

Exotic Places

Thwarted in my attempt to buy Greenland, I have spent the week searching for an alternative purchase. I travelled far and wide, up hill and down a dale; I navigated dangerous terrains; I fought with malicious insects; until finally I was desperate for the loo and wound up here…

An Island!!!! Just sitting in the sea waiting for me to invade! Perhaps I could turn it into a golfing resort? Imagine – a sprawling hotel featuring a multitude of sandy bunkers with those cute mini flag poles planted over the plush green lawns. And there will be holes!!! [what do I know about golfing terminology?]. I’m sure the puffins wouldn’t mind. Or Perhaps I should give up on this buying an island malarkey, after all, I only have 60p and a dog-eared luncheon voucher in my purse, perhaps a feud with Denmark would be easier to instigate?

Meanwhile, I have some pictures of summer leaving Devon….

The last blue sky of summer
Useful coves for smuggling pursuits
Last days of Summer

Now, let us speak of more pressing matters, like why is this blog post a day late? Because I was bitten on the ankle by a Horse Fly, so obviously I could do nothing other than sit on the sofa with my leg up to reduce the huge itchy swelling. Nothing could possibly be as itchy as a Horse Fly bite – it gave me a couple of sleepless nights and made me very grumpy.

Next week: How to start a feud with the golfing fraternity – A beginner’s guide.