As a small child my imagination was rampant with images of gorillas armed with machine guns waging war in jungles; call girls innocently making money in telephone boxes; and stubborn mules being stuffed with drugs. My imagination, devoid of explanation, saw fit to fill in the gaps.
With this in mind I thought I would start a weekly series of posts dedicated to recent news headlines that my imagination has seen fit to misinterpret. Sometimes I will have a raft of headlines due to my head being particularly fluffy, and sometimes I will have very few – possibly due to my head being so fluffy it refuses to read anything at all.
My first for this week is:-
Vogue Portugal defends controversial mental health cover
In my head Vogue Portugal becomes a sleek, sophisticated, business woman who has been culturally cancelled due to not allowing her staff access to mental health insurance. Her workforce have taken her to task for this, and she is defending herself by pointing out all the perks they get instead, such as Gucci sunglasses, and access to a jacuzzi during their lunch breaks.
My second misread:-
Coach sex activity figures show ‘law change needed’
My poor little head went into overdrive with this one, i.e. does it mean there isn’t enough sex on coaches? Or too much? Is there so much sex going on in coaches that a law is needed to stop it? I didn’t know that people had so much sex in coaches; are people allowed back on coaches now? Who knew a day trip to Blackpool could be so thrilling… Etcetera, Etcetera….
So there you go, a little insight to the workings of my mind. I am hoping to develop the character of Vogue Portugal so that she eventually has a role in Write Panic. I’m sure she could do something useful with a banana.
[Edit]For Jon, because I am a jolly hostess….
It had been many weeks since I had last posted on my internationally acclaimed Wonky-Words blog. Why had I let my blogging prowess slide? Was I afraid that my legions of fans had abandoned me? Was it because I had too much to say and couldn’t fit it all into the white posting box? Or was I simply giving my readership time to savour my previous witterings?
It was none of the above. Sadly my time had been consumed by watching the pandemic death graphs, I had convinced myself that should my eyes waver, even for a second, then the graphs would shoot upwards and kill everyone – it was, after all, my singular vigilance that kept the UK graphs on a steady decline. It was an arduous task, but I was committed and dilligent in my determination to lower the figures, and not let any snippet of Covid news pass me by. And then, on the 15th June I got bored and decided to commit myself to something else instead.
I turned my head away from the graphs, switched off the news; started reading a book; looked out across the meadows; marvelled at the dancing flamingos on a nearby millpond; watched a couple of good films; started taking multi-vitamins; realised my tinnitus was easier to ignore when I stopped masking it with noise; and I remembered that I was a great artist of considerable merit.
And so I returned to my turret at the bottom of the garden, where, for many hours, I toiled over vintage documents; read previous blog posts; dabbled with specialist inks and papers; sampled fine whisky; so that I could bring my loyal readers an untimely art piece entitled: The Lost Trevor – A combination of vintage imagery and previous words.
Finally I had some artwork to slap up on my blog….
I shall leave you to enjoy. BUT, I hope to bring more thrilling, yet possibly random, words to this neglected blog next week.
Because it in the 20th May, and because it is Wednesday, and because it is 2020, I bring you [drum roll] Men in Nice Knitwear!!! With these woollen gentlemen I am spoiling you.
Notice how I am unconsciously drawn to the tobacco smoking men!
I saw a BBC headline the other day that read: Masks, where should they be worn? Oh yer face, duh…
Next week: The Delectable Duchy’s Most Delightful Resort [not to be missed].
It’s been a month since I last slapped a post up. Where has the time gone? Why have I taken so long to update my blog? Why does it feel like I’ve abandoned the Write Panic project?
Well, about two weeks ago I found lots of blood up my nose – old blood, new blood, large lumps of old blood in green gunge [nice], and fresh blood. At first I panicked, then I Googled, and I think the excess blood was due to a sinus infection, though I haven’t had this confirmed because it’s been impossible to contact a doctor [I did try]. I think the sinus infection was caused by the cold I was whinging about throughout February that never really went away. Anyhow, the upshot of all this was that I decided to be sensible, so I gave up vaping [vaping is obviously a very bad thing to do during a pandemic and obviously the cause of all nasal cavity issues ever], which resulted in nicotine withdrawal. The nicotine withdrawal has made me spacey, grumpy, sneezy, bashful, incredibly dopey, but not very happy. I am feeling a bit better now, and my nose has stopped bleeding, but I still have a slight sniffle and Phantosmia [olfactory hallucination]. On the upside, my tinnitus seems to have improved.
I will try to get my head back into our writing project, but it is SOOOOOOOOO HARD when all I am thinking about is nicotine and cigarettes, plus I’m eating far too much and I feel like a fatty-lardy-lump-blobble. AND MY HAIR????!!!! Enough. There might be some positivity on the horizon – look at this study. Yes, nicotine might save us after all!!! I tell you, if this turns out to be true I will howl with laughter, I will laugh so hard that you will have to peel me off the floor, I will laugh and laugh and laugh, and then I will light up. I like smoking, it reminds me of my dad and unfortunately it also reminds me of being irresponsible and young. Sigh. I am blathering incoherently.
A tune? Yep.
Apologies, I have been so engrossed with the ongoing saga on our new blog A Write Panic that I have forgotten to update this blog.
So far A Write Panic has featured amongst many things: robots; a brewer’s goitre; a pink rabbit onesie; a Jason Bourne character; a golden retriever called Scarlet with dubious glands; a short man with a large gun; chairs; Ferrero Rocher; nose picking; and a brassy blonde. If you signed up to write then please do – the more the merrier!! If you don’t feel like writing, then music and picture posts to illustrate the story are also very welcome.
How am I? Up and down. I guess we all are. Some days I am overwhelmed by graphs, and figures, and projections of what might be. Other days I can distract myself.
Take care, stay home.
Invites have gone out. The blog address for our writing project is: A Write Panic. Yes, I have chosen Blogger as I think this will be easier for most of us. I will help anyone who doesn’t like it, i.e, you can email me with your chapter and I will publish it on your behalf.
Anyone up for writing the opening chapter [post]???? Shout now!!!
A tune? Yes, of course.