Ihave often wondered what it would be like to be a mum. According to Persil being a mum involves doing a lot of laundry, and not being able to afford pretty hats. Persil’s centenary ad  features Marion, a single mother of two sons, and five daughters. Marion has just been mugged for the last packet of Birds Eye fish fingers and she is now lying prostrate in the washing powder aisle in Asda; her whole life is flickering before her like a series of old TV commercials.
Marion’s five daughters never needed much care – they never got grubby, and all were born with an innate understanding of intelligent dosing and how to handle excessive foam – it was in their jeans. The girls were neatly washed and scrubbed and dispensed out into the world shortly after their fourteenth birthdays. Unfortunately, Marion’s two sons, now 45 and 48 respectively, still live at home, and neither has the ability to set foot outside the house without being covered in mud/strawberry milkshake/banana/Bacardi/lipstick or baby oil. And, even though both became quantum physicists, neither have ever mastered the art of how to pour Persil into the soap powder drawer. Instead they have learnt that the laundry room is out of bounds – it is their mother’s secret, private, place where they must never venture – curiosity may leave them badly scolded.
Marion is tough but gentle and knows where, and how, to seek Comfort. Sometimes late at night the ‘boys’ hear the rumbling of the much loved washing machine accompanied by their mother’s squeals of delight as she deals with stain after stain whilst also making good use of the extra spin cycle.
Regaining consciousness, Marion smiles to herself… to hell with pretty hats…. the rewards of motherhood come thick and fast depending on the washing program.
First published on The Scarlet Blue Archive 13th May 2009 – edited and revised 2022
Well how bloody quiet is it in my blog reader????? The only person making a daily effort is dear Jon! Nick pops up once or twice a week, but the rest of us are a complete blogging shambles – we are flickering in and out of the Blogosphere like a dying candelabra, and we are about to be snuffed out if we are not careful.
I will try to make amends. Since January I have made a few collages, including this one that has finally reached Maddie….
….I wasn’t sure if it was going to arrive – I send these collages out there never knowing for sure if they’ll reach the intended target. I’m pleased this one did as it’s one of my favourites.
And for my Copperplate Special Interest Group recipients, I sent the following….
….a self involved madam….
….a potential murder suspect….
….and an unbroken ink bottle….
….with added flashy calligraphy.
Obviously some of these little narratives are more melodramatic than others. I am liking the ink bottle for being short and sweet and for not meriting the need to feature in a novel.
I hope my CSIG friends don’t find my offerings too peculiar!
In other news: It is Spring. It is warming up. I have shaved my legs. I will be back on Sunday to share something riveting and not to be missed – though I haven’t yet made up my mind what that will be.
Some women have it all. They spend their days reclining on plush sofas wearing silk pyjamas, taking selfies for their Instagram feeds, and testing a limitless supply of premium anti-ageing products sent to them by marketing departments in high end stores. If that isn’t enough, they also have gentleman callers dropping at their feet. One such woman is Debbie Von Arlington-Grange who lives in six bedroom neo-Georgian barn conversion, known as ‘Rose Cottage’, just down wind of the Dartford tunnel. She also has a luxury yacht called ‘Hello Dolly’ moored at Dover with obvious Russian connections.
Here we see gentleman caller, Kevoff, desperately trying to keep Debbie sweet. He fearlessly dives off the white cliffs into the shark infested waters of the English Channel. He swims to Debbie’s yacht, climbs aboard, and delivers a perfectly wrapped box of Cadbury’s Milk Tray. Then, without so much as a nibble on a coffee cream, Debbie sends him packing.
Why? Because firstly he didn’t text to inform her of his impending arrival, and furthermore, because he forgot the Champagne, flowers, and the 65″ widescreen TV she wanted; he also forgot her dairy intolerance; and that she prefers Black Magic. To add insult to grievance, he then proceeded to make a soggy mess all over her pink shag pile carpet, AND, quite frankly, she is weary of him trying to convince people that there are sharks in the English Channel.
You’ll be pleased to know that I’m not as high maintenance as Debbie. I enjoy the simple pleasures in life; I don’t have a yacht – I’m quite at home on a lilo, and after a Moscow Mule or two, I might be persuaded to share my strawberry creams, and soft centres, so long as the ironing’s done.
Actually, I am probably more high maintenance than Debbie. Please bring me Lindt chocolate [don’t expect me to share it], and a bottle of whiskey. And what is all this nonsense about a lilo??? AND ironing???
First published on The Scarlet Blue Archive 12th February 2009
Revised and heavily edited in 2022.
Next week: Debbie does Dymchurch.
Time for a new, and possibly vague post, and what could be more fitting than a comforting little bed-jacket, hmmmm?
To be fair I think this lady is better equipped for critical girlfriends bursting into the sleeping chamber unannounced…
I have some exciting news [especially for Rimpy] – the FGES have arrived in the US and are safely in the hands of Mistress Maddie. I am wondering if there is a FGES curse, as those who win them seem to go to ground at the very sight of them, and sometimes the winners are never seen again. Let’s hope this isn’t the case with Maddie.
Along with the shorts I also sent Maddie a little something that was sort of British. I should have sent Devonshire scones with jam and cream – or at least a picture of this produce, but I made a collage instead.
Meanwhile – HAPPY EASTER!!!!! Have a wonderful weekend and if you intend on spending time in the garden please remember to protect yourself with a substantial 4 ply woollen.
P.S Please ignore the top ‘feature’ picture, as this is for the benefit of Mr Devine, he has left his blog unattended, and this is what happens if you leave your blog without the necessary security. I’m crossing my fingers that his sideboard will be disturbed, which will prompt him to at least pop by for a little light dusting.
NEXT WEEK: Easter bonnets, or woollen swimming caps? You decide!!!
I am not sure what tone to adopt on my blog – I cannot simply ignore the Eurasion Bear in the room who is flailing around in a threatening, aggressive manner, causing us to make rapid use of all the toilet paper we managed to squirrel away during the pandemic – sadly we cannot be vaccinated against this current threat to our lives, and I admit I am frightened.
I have donated to the Ukraine cause, and will continue to do so. I will try not to ‘doomscroll’ – the first glance at the news in the morning is often the most painful, and I tend to find it too disturbing to glance for too long.
Donations for UK residents can be made HERE, and there is also The Red Cross Appeal
Meanwhile, this blog will go on in its usual shambolic way.
Here is a tune:-
It comes to something when I find myself pining for the good old days of lockdown 2020, but 2022 is turning out to be far more scary.
And on that note I feel I ought to update my blog with a fresh knitting pattern person…
Meanwhile, hope to see you same time next week 🙂