PART 5 of The Epic Collaboration

52 Replies

Continued from HERE and also from HERE

Charmaine glared at me, and then started speaking louder than necessary.
“Are you going to write part 5 of the epic collaboration with Mr Devine, which YOU instigated, or are you going to drift off into hibernation for the rest of the Autumn?”
I squinted at her, and even through my narrowed eyes she was still the size of a bus. I had grown comfortable lodged on the sofa, eating chocolate and watching TV, and to be honest, I hadn’t a clue what the epic tale was about.
“Remind me, what is the story about?” I asked.
Charmaine’s face reddened like an overripe tomato aloft a lump of lard.
“Oh for God’s sake, Aunt Scarlet, it’s not rocket science! To bring you up to speed it’s kind of a mash up of Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty, with a dollop of Alice in Wonderland. All you need to know right now is that Mr Devine and Dinah are travelling on a flying Bathmat to Franconia to turn Mr Mags into Aidan Turner, they will then return in time for the ball at Mogwash Manor. Aidan Turner will then give you your lost wellington boot and you will both live happily ever after, though obviously not together.
“I’m sure you’re missing some detail, surely it can’t be that simple?”
“It has to be simple, there have been complaints,” said Charmaine, stoney faced, “for starters Mistress Maddie is so confused that she’s drinking even more gin than usual, and she’s rather upset because she hasn’t been given a starring role. Dinah is perturbed because she has TOO MUCH of a starring role and feels overexposed, whilst Melanie is politely bemused but is trying her hardest to keep up. Mistress MJ wants to throw cake over the whole sorry affair, though Jon is surprisingly engaged – this is because his award winning back passage has been a major feature in part 3 and part 4. Mitzi is keeping her head down and is studying fractions, whilst Mr Mags is neutral as he would rather sleep. Mr Batarde, Savvy, Kylie, Eryl, Nick, Bill, Looby, and Lulu, are threatening you with legal action should you have any ideas about writing them into any subsequent parts.
So, what does happen in part 5????”

“You want to know what happened up Jon’s award winning back passage in Sarf London?”
“YES!!! I do!!!”
“Well, it was lovely. We sat on his smoking bench surrounded by glorious blooms, whilst sycamore seeds descended from the skies. We listened to Liza Tarbuck on Radio 2 and we had tea and muffins. He gave me two bags of empty wine bottles, I thanked him, and assured him that nothing awful would happen to him in part 5. All was going splendidly until Sid cocked his leg over his Lilium candidum – Jon wasn’t best pleased – there was a lot of hosing down, mopping up, and muttering about acidic soiling, then he threw us out on the street.”

“AND???” Said Charmaine, somewhat exasperated.
“And what?”
“You need to give Mr Devine something to bounce off!”
“He’s fine! He’s floating on a bathmat over Franconia with Dinah – the next time I see either of them will be at the Mogwash Ball when they bring me Aidan Turner. All I can do now is wait patiently on the sofa, and perhaps ask Mistress Maddie, or Jon, to find me a jaw dropping gown.”
“No, that’s not good enough.”
“Okay, okay….. how about… he threw us out on the street just as a large octopus sucker bathmat carrying three people crash landed up his back passage….”

“How does this all end?” Asked Charmaine.
“Badly, I imagine.”
“You’ll never make it as a novelist.”
“I know that,” I replied, “but I can still take nice photographs of Sid.”

To be continued over the cusp.

52 thoughts on “PART 5 of The Epic Collaboration”

  3. batarde

    Well, that all sounds very jolly, I’m sure. Whatever it’s about. Can’t imagine for a moment that there’ll be any need to disturb the slumbers of Messrs Beelzebub, Bumble and Bobblehat at their chambers … will there, Scarlet? Warm regards to Sid and a pat on the head to Charmaine.

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  4. lisleman

    Sid is my favorite character of the story. Simple dog that just can relieve himself on any flower he finds.
    Oh, no legal action from me. I still can’t get my head around the British terms barrister vs. solicitor and which one wears a curly wig.

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    1. Scarlet Post author

      Bill – I know! Thankfully I never had the need of a barrister, so I’m probably as baffled as you, but I think it’s the barrister that wears the wig – as I’ve never met a solicitor wearing one.
      Yep, Sid is exceptionally simple: eat, walk, eat, sleep, eat, sleep repeat (with scheduled toilet breaks).
      Sx

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      1. Scarlet Post author

        When in doubt slap up a photo of a cute dog! Or cat; hamsters work quite well… I’m supposed to be looking through my photo library, aren’t I?!
        Sx

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    1. Scarlet Post author

      We are all confused here, Joey! I will add you to the list of confused people threatening legal action, etc, as I seem to have missed you out – apologies!
      Sid has to put up with a lot!
      Sx

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      2. Scarlet Post author

        Joey – Don’t be daft! I had it in my mind that you’d start reading and after the first sentence you’d back away quietly and the come back in a couple of weeks when I was making more sense. Maybe you’ll turn up as the DJ for the Mogwash Ball?!
        Sx

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      3. llcooljoe

        And now I can’t reply in the right place. Lol. I think I must have read this post 10 times, and I know my brain isn’t quite as sharp as it used to be, but I just thought “How the hell do I comment on this!” 😀

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Scarlet Post author

        I’m not surprised that you’re confused as this is part 5! I wrote part 1 and part 3, whilst Mr Devine (Inexplicable Device) wrote part 2 and 4, which were published on his blog. The whole thing has caused a mountain of confusion for everyone – it will be over soon!
        Sx

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  6. melaniereynolds

    Politely bemused is my default face setting. That must be an American-sized bath mat to fit three people on it! I’ve seen pictures of your water closets and London flats, tiny! Maybe it’s a Tardis bathmat. That’s how you Brits get away with your suspicious sizing dimensions in metric! Ha,ha,ha! I’m looking forward to what happens next. It should probably be wrapped up soon before the Garden Party, Terrible Triffidery and all those other photo requests!

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  8. Inexplicable Device

    Phew! At least fashioning of a golden gown or similar is up to Jon and/or Maddie this time and not me. I have enough on my plate what with trying to steer this bathma-

    : : C R A S H : :

    Oh, dear…

    P.S. Mago/Aidan Turner is cross that he got dumped in a lily smelling of dog wee. He may have to be added to your list of people threatening legal action. Jon doesn’t seem to pleased, either…

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    2. Scarlet Post author

      Mr Devine – Please could you hose down Mr Turner before delivery – and whatever you do don’t let him near a scythe. Just hose him down and give him a towel – I think we can all work with that.
      Sx

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  9. Nick Rogers

    Sid is clearly the star of the show and deserves a much bigger part in the proceedings (as long as he doesn’t demand a substantial pay rise). Meanwhile I’ve been briefing my wig-less solicitor on possible legal action if I am in any way traduced and my glittering global reputation left in tatters.

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    2. Scarlet Post author

      Nick – Damn it, I had written 6345 words for part 7 and have now had to delete 6340 of them due to a strongly worded letter from your solicitor. Back to the drawing board! This epic adventure is destined to go on for several years now. Or maybe I should just take more pictures of Sid? He will demand extra sprats, if nothing else.
      Sx

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  10. Mitzi

    Just an inquiry really, the tracker collar you’ve got for your dog, do they make them large enough to fit around the neck of a… well, lets just say a 16 and a half stone bullmastiff for example?

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Scarlet Post author

      Mitzi – Thank you for your inquiry regarding the tracker – put it this way, you could probably attach it to anything, or anyone. I hope this helps.
      Sx

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      3. Mitzi

        You will soon, ask Mr D for a preview. It’s very reminiscent of the promotional still taken from the 2002 film Halloween Resurrection, the one where Jamie Lee Curtis is stood in front of a Georgian style window and a creepy soulless face is peering at her from behind. *Shudders*

        Liked by 1 person

      1. 63mago

        I vaguely remember the word “flap”, Franconian Flap – is that something like a muffin top ? I prefer the Doppelkeks, also called Prinzenrolle, it’s stuffed.

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  12. Looby

    I don’t have a solicitor any more. It was a few years ago when I did have one but he confused me no end by offering to do my conveyancing rather than find me an obliging Lithuanian fair in countenance and unfamiliar with complaints procedures. So fizz away Miss S!

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