Headliners

As a small child my imagination was rampant with images of gorillas armed with machine guns waging war in jungles; call girls innocently making money in telephone boxes; and stubborn mules being stuffed with drugs. My imagination, devoid of explanation, saw fit to fill in the gaps.
With this in mind I thought I would start a weekly series of posts dedicated to recent news headlines that my imagination has seen fit to misinterpret. Sometimes I will have a raft of headlines due to my head being particularly fluffy, and sometimes I will have very few – possibly due to my head being so fluffy it refuses to read anything at all.

My first for this week is:-

Vogue Portugal defends controversial mental health cover

In my head Vogue Portugal becomes a sleek, sophisticated, business woman who has been culturally cancelled due to not allowing her staff access to mental health insurance. Her workforce have taken her to task for this, and she is defending herself by pointing out all the perks they get instead, such as Gucci sunglasses, and access to a jacuzzi during their lunch breaks.

My second misread:-

Coach sex activity figures show ‘law change needed’

My poor little head went into overdrive with this one, i.e. does it mean there isn’t enough sex on coaches? Or too much? Is there so much sex going on in coaches that a law is needed to stop it? I didn’t know that people had so much sex in coaches; are people allowed back on coaches now? Who knew a day trip to Blackpool could be so thrilling… Etcetera, Etcetera….

So there you go, a little insight to the workings of my mind. I am hoping to develop the character of Vogue Portugal so that she eventually has a role in Write Panic. I’m sure she could do something useful with a banana.

[Edit]For Jon, because I am a jolly hostess….

61 thoughts on “Headliners

  1. loobyloo2

    Oooh, hours of fun with these! I’ve spent many hours on National Express, seething at myself for not being able to afford the train, but I don’t think I’ve ever noticed any congress on the back seat.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. Scarlet Post author

      Looby – Indeed! I should get some mileage out of my misreads. Sometimes I snigger all day at my own stupidity.
      As for the coaches, I keep thinking about all the fun I’m going to have when I’m a pensioner.
      Sx

      Like

      Reply
  2. savannah49

    it’s still early here and all of this is too much for my caffeinated brain! re the coach sex, i was thinking of a team support person, not a bus! (where’s the damn coffee, MITM?) xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
      1. Scarlet Post author

        Hello and welcome, Ms Nations!!
        Please say why!! My ‘D’ was the result of unorthodox conduct on the water rower. I should have gotten an ‘E’ really.
        Sx

        Like

  3. Mistress Borghese

    Sex in coaches?!?!?!? I am obviously not seeing the right men. But since the covid virus I think i remember what sex is. I don’t even have the pleasure of feeling like a luxury liner in dry dock with men viewing my underbelly for cracks or damage.

    The extent of excitement is now going to the market…and the joy of seeing people’s reaction when i say oh codfanglers when their out of something.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    1. Scarlet Post author

      Mistress B – I’m obviously not getting on the right coaches. Maybe all the excitement happened on that big Brexit bus?!
      Thank God for codfanglers, or I’d no source of protein.
      Sx

      Like

      Reply
  4. Inexplicable DeVice

    We had extremely similar childhoods when headlines were involved, it seems…

    I had to click the link to understand the Coach Sex one and even then it was touch-&-go for a while. When I used to go to work, I was often bamboozled when passing by the shouty headlines on those boards that are put up outside newsagents. I just wish I could remember them.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    1. Scarlet Post author

      Mr Devine – I also wish I could remember all the headlines that have inspired me to invent fictitious narratives! I intend to write all the narratives down in future and therefore always have something to blog about!
      Sx

      Like

      Reply
      1. Scarlet Post author

        Jon – The trend for smaller nipples is about plumbing isn’t it?! You see, I am fine in the evening because I am almost fully awake. However, I was caught out by the pensioner’s tourist attraction!
        Sx

        Like

    2. dinahmow

      I think touch-and-go IS the problem with coach sex.Just not sure whether it’s the chap who trains the team or the randy lots at the back of the coach. Further investigation required,Scarlet

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      1. Scarlet Post author

        Dinah – I think it’s the PE teacher who is getting frisky – and NOT only on the coach. I’ve never gotten along with PE teachers, not since one made me do a dozen forward rolls on a hard surface, which caused bruising to my spine.
        Sx

        Like

  5. dinahmow

    A few years ago I heard a radio news reader say Fiji was on high coup alert, but my brain said:
    the army threatens
    another coup in Fiji
    poets stand ready
    And I’m ALWAYS mis-hearing those bloody supermarket announcements for staff to respond to a kill in aisle five!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. Scarlet Post author

      Dinah – I honestly don’t see anything wrong with your interpretation! I’ll avoid aisle five like the plague in future…. ACTUALLY….I’m already doing that [since March!!].
      Imagine – if we lived together the world would probably be an even scarier place!
      Sx

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  6. kylie

    My brain rarely makes these mistakes with information going in but my mouth quite often mangles the outgoing message. I wish there was some comedy to be found in it!

    I don’t think I’m flexible enough for coach sex, does that mean i’m going to gaol?

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  7. Scarlet Post author

    Kylie – I’m terrible at communicating verbally with those I know well – I mumble a few words relevant to the subject and expect them to know exactly what I mean, and also how I feel about it. I am verbally lazy. They’d understand better if I sent them a text!
    I also can’t pronounce some words that have an ‘l’ ‘u’ ‘m’ ‘n’ combo, such as ‘aluminium’, so I mangle information this way!
    Yeah, you’re definitely going to gaol!!
    Sx

    Like

    Reply
  8. Nick Caroline

    When I first heard about the Vogue Portugal cover, I assumed it must be something horrific, like a mad axe-murderer posing with a blood-soaked corpse. It turns out to be a naked woman in a bath with two nurses. Can’t quite understand all the fuss and bother.

    I’ve never had sex on a coach. Is it worthwhile? Should I put it on my bucket list?

    Like

    Reply
      1. Nick Caroline

        Nick Caroline is a very old account name that needs to be changed. Can’t remember how it came about.

        Like

    1. Scarlet Post author

      Nick – I think The Vogue cover was thought to be in bad taste because it glamourises, and also trivialises, mental health issues. I think the cover is in bad taste.
      How would I know if having sex on a coach is worthwhile?!!!! Good heavens!!!! I will ask Charmaine, she will know.
      Sx

      Like

      Reply
  9. lisleman

    “…cause you know sometimes words have two meanings…”
    You could have titled this post “Headspinners”. Thankfully my Led Zeppelin listening prepared me for this post. Great post that highlights your imagination. Of course, most everyone knew call girls worked for the telephone companies.
    Thanks for including the links. They were very helpful.
    The Vogue Portugal reminded me of a post I did about the band “Portugal The Man”. I add the song below.
    The National Express video was very funny but the name didn’t click for me. At first I was thinking national trains. You probably know this, but while looking up British Rail I discovered their logo of the interlocking red arrows had the nickname “the arrow of indecision”. LOL
    So yeah, sex on the bus. Really that must be rare. Now, sex in a horse drawn coach with curtains probably happening all the time with aristocrats of the past. The ride on those cobble stone streets lights up my imagination.
    Oh yeah that song – https://youtu.be/gli4f8f9quc

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  10. Scarlet Post author

    Bill – It nearly was called headspinners!!
    I used to use British Rail regularly, it was awful. You never new where you’d end up.
    Horse drawn coaches over cobbles – the only person who uses those these days is the Queen!!!
    Sx

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  11. 63mago

    I think Casanova says something about having sex in (on ?) a coach, maybe in Vienna ? As i remember coaches played a role in the late 19th sex scandal in Berlin, but again, I am not sure. Ludwig II of Bavaria seemingly had sex on or in his state sledge(s). The good king was busily inspecting his subjects’ lederhosen.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. Scarlet Post author

      Mr Mags – Any excuse – inspecting lederhosen, indeed!!!
      None of this sounds very comfortable. I am too old for cobbles. I prefer cushions, but I am not yet at the elasticated waistband stage – give it five years though, and I might reconsider.
      Sx

      Like

      Reply
    1. Scarlet Post author

      Lulu – I’d have to wait hours to catch a bus in these parts – probably in the rain! And after that I don’t think I’d be in the mood for much more than a good kip!
      Hope all is good with you.
      Sxx

      Like

      Reply
      1. 63mago

        “Priced at £15 ‘100 Years of Buses in Devon’ is available to buy now from Stagecoach Travel Shops at Exeter and Paignton Bus Stations.” Published last year.

        Liked by 1 person

  12. Mitzi

    With Great Aunt Alice pegging it so near to Christmas I didn’t have much time to buy a present for the maid, or for anyone else, so I gave her a National Holiday brochure to flick through along with my bank card and told her to book somewhere of her choice, she was thrilled. Would have been going on a coach trip next week to the English Riviera, 5 days in Torquay (5 days! talk about taking liberties), it was cancelled due to the flu that’s going around and the coach company going into administration. I got a full refund and I bought Carmen a plant from Morrison’s. I was disappointed it got cancelled and yet relieved, after 10 hours on a coach listening to Carmen’s incessant chatter it would have been me on the front cover of Vogue Portugal publicising mental health.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. Scarlet Post author

      Mitzi – You could have come to me for a visit! Mr Devine would have brought a splendid cake, oh what a time we could have had. You could have stayed in my attic [or in a yurt in my garden] and I could have kept both you and Mr Devine hostage until you both wrote several new posts for the Write Panic blog. Sigh. An opportunity missed.
      Hmmm, Carmen certainly missed a trick there, didn’t she? She could have at least booked a trip to Lyme Regis.
      Sx

      Like

      Reply
  13. 63mago

    I am not familiar with book prices in the UK, dearest MsScarlet. The booklet in question is said to hve nerly 100 pages, a lot of illustrations, and all in colour. I do not know whether the author included a chapter about nature’s course in short-distance-travel.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. Scarlet Post author

      If you want those sort of pictures then you’ll need a different booklet!
      Meanwhile, a post about toothache is fermenting, as is the tooth.
      Sx

      Like

      Reply
      1. 63mago

        What an interesting word in this connection MsScarlet. If it becomes hot and pulsating you really should consider to take action, like “thread and door” … I would not recomment to “shoot the tooth out” ; also catchig the bullet with bare teeth is only advisable with healthy, not to say re-inforced teeth, a steely grin perhaps may help …

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Scarlet Post author

        I was feeling better this morning, but this evening I am feeling poorly. It might be the tooth, it might be starvation!
        Sx

        Like

      1. Scarlet Post author

        Jon – So long as he’s wearing a cap! And has smart shiny buttons, and a wicked way with a gear stick, then all will be well.
        Sx

        Like

    1. Scarlet Post author

      Yes, Mr Ducks! I’m surprised that there haven’t been more headlines about this activity.
      Do you know, ever since I wrote this post I haven’t misread a single thing, isn’t that just the way of things?!
      Sx

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

Say hello and stuff.....

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.