Happy Christmas!!!

31 Replies

I

t is Christmas Eve, and I have decided that I will start a new Wonky Words Christmas tradition. From now on I will publish this old post every Christmas Eve to herald the festivities.

I really am spoiling you…

Here we see Darren. He is hoping to be selected as an ambassador for the Littlehampton Confectionery Display Team. He is submitting one of the finest examples of his work in their annual ‘Exposure’ competition. It is a grand affair. It is held in a disused caravan park close to Southend pier, and display enthusiasts come from far and wide to exhibit their elaborate confection. For example, competitor Annie has flown in from Amsterdam and has done something gratuitous with a fudge finger fan, whilst Gavin from Gateshead [the winner in 2006] has been imaginative with a Toffee Crisp and an artfully adapted 12 inch Twirl; Maggie, a mother of three [the winner in 1908, but never since] has chosen a minimalist/conceptual approach – her piece is entitled ‘Red Smartie with Toothpick’.

So far the judges have been less than impressed with the entrées, but Darren is confident that he can lick his rivals. Darren has a secret. Darren has balls, golden balls, and he knows how to arrange them. He waits in the wings as poor Simon, a professional kitchen fitter from Stevenage, sobs and stumbles from the judging panel after his Sherbert Fountain fails to font, and his Lion Bar goes limp.

Darren feels the tension rising – his moment has arrived, he takes a deep breath and walks into the spotlight. His golden balls are piled pyramid high upon a silver platter creating a sophisticated yet captivating display that brings the essence of Egypt to Essex. Darren stands proud. It has only taken a smidgeon of superglue to keep everything erect.

Alas, Darren is unaware of the envious Maggie who will do anything to win, and from the wings she gives Darren an almighty shove sending his nutty nibbles into orbit to splatter down upon the judges heads. Horrified, Judge Erica picks golden nuts from her hair, and exclaims, ‘With your display you are soiling us!’.

Darren hangs his head in shame, but he is not downhearted. There is always next year when he is planning an ambitious assemblage with Annie, they are hoping to cause an extravagance of good taste with a giant curly wurly and a custard cream flan.

First published on the Scarlet Blue Archive 8th January 2010 12:45 BST

31 thoughts on “Happy Christmas!!!”

  1. batarde

    How splendid: a new festive tradition to go with the “Operation Christmas Duff” Goon Show and re-reading “The Blue Carbuncle” for the umpteenth time. Neither of which ever go stale, and nor will the classic Ferrero Rocher post, I’m sure. Hearty compliments of the season to one and all. 🙂

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  2. nick

    Poor Darren, he had such high hopes. With any luck Maggie’s Smartie will fall down a crack in the caravan floorboards and never be found again. She will accidentally stab Judge Erica to death with the toothpick, be disqualified and Darren will emerge the triumphant winner!

    I like this Christmas tradition. Long may it continue!

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  6. Mitzi

    My mother wasn’t very impressed when she heard the Goons playing the Ying Tong song at 3am she thought she had intruders in her bedroom, she would have been better with Paddy McGinty’s goat I’ll set her Alexa with one tomorrow. I too love those spherical balls of ecstasy but not keen on the Ferrero Raffaello the coconut bits gets stuck in my teeth.

    Have a good one Scarlet!

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    1. Scarlet Post author

      Mitzi – I have not tried the coconut version, but Ferrero Raffaello sound like something I could whip up with a couple of leftover Bounty Bars – and let’s face it they usually are leftover. Happy Christmas!! I shall look up the goat now – not literally.
      Sx

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  7. Inexplicable DeVice

    One of my very favourite (and most referred to*) adverts in one of my very favourite blog posts! This is the reason that I always think of you when I see/eat Ferrero Rocher (along with Pot Noodles and octopus-sucker bathmats**).

    I wonder how Darren and Annie got on with their Custard Cream flan and that giant Curly-Wurly in 2011?

    * “Monsieur. Wiz zees Rocher you are really zpoiling uz!” can be slipped into almost any conversation with ease.
    ** I don’t eat Pot Noodles. Or octopus-sucker bathmats. Usually…

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    1. Inexplicable DeVice

      Oh, gods… I foolishly embarked on a YouTube Ferrero Rocher ad/spoof exploration in the hopes of finding the elusive French & Saunders ‘Ambassador/Rocher pyramid’ clip from The Phantom Millenium and now fear that I won’t make it out in time for Christmas! Merry Christmas, Ms Scarlet!

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    2. Scarlet Post author

      Mr D – Maybe I should write an updated version of this ad for next Christmas to find out what happened to our heroes? Oh the pressure! I’d better start it now then….
      Sx

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      2. Inexplicable DeVice

        You have given me a fabulous idea, Very Mistress: the next Tin Foil Hat compo should consist of hats made entirely from Ferrero Rocher wrappers!

        Happy New Year, Ms Scarlet! And may it be bursting with Ferrero Rocher! x

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  12. kylie

    Where can I find this man with golden balls?

    look, i know someone else used a very similar joke but it’s too bad, thats what I’m going with and i’m not sure if it’s a joke anyway.

    Scarlet,
    I am so sorry your Dad died and I see you miss your mum as well. LIfe is just hard sometimes, isn’t it? May the New year , new decade even, treat you with kindness.

    xox

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