Thwarted in my attempt to buy Greenland, I have spent the week searching for an alternative purchase. I travelled far and wide, up hill and down a dale; I navigated dangerous terrains; I fought with malicious insects; until finally I was desperate for the loo and wound up here…
An Island!!!! Just sitting in the sea waiting for me to invade! Perhaps I could turn it into a golfing resort? Imagine – a sprawling hotel featuring a multitude of sandy bunkers with those cute mini flag poles planted over the plush green lawns. And there will be holes!!! [what do I know about golfing terminology?]. I’m sure the puffins wouldn’t mind. Or Perhaps I should give up on this buying an island malarkey, after all, I only have 60p and a dog-eared luncheon voucher in my purse, perhaps a feud with Denmark would be easier to instigate?
Meanwhile, I have some pictures of summer leaving Devon….
Now, let us speak of more pressing matters, like why is this blog post a day late? Because I was bitten on the ankle by a Horse Fly, so obviously I could do nothing other than sit on the sofa with my leg up to reduce the huge itchy swelling. Nothing could possibly be as itchy as a Horse Fly bite – it gave me a couple of sleepless nights and made me very grumpy.
Next week: How to start a feud with the golfing fraternity – A beginner’s guide.
Wonky Words 
Oh, but you do understand golfing terminology! That thing they try (for hours! )to get their balls in is called a hole.And after they’ve faffed about all day, often NOT getting into the desired hole…they flop down into comfy chairs in a boozer called (this is a very ancient and honorable tradition!) the Nineteenth Hole.
Scarlet, dear, you are almost knowledgeable enough to become a member. But you’ll need a bit more than 60p and a LV.
All that aside…thank you for the Devon pics. Were you at Hartland?
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Dinah – Yes, I was at Hartland Quay, where I had a cup of tea and an ice-cream.
Re Golf – When I was a kid I always wanted to play in the bunkers and build sand castles, I couldn’t understand why the sand was just there and nobody was allowed to play in it.
Sx
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I am not sure that instigating a feud with the Danes is a good idea … after all they’re a frightfully grown up lot (I know this from binge watching Borgen) and the chances are that they’d just get miffed and rather disappointed leaving you feeling rotten and terribly small. Better to stick to plan A, and save up for an island with a view to opening a free range puffin farm.
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Mr Batarde – I think the Danes are also very tall, so I will probably leave them be [everyone is sighing with relief now]. Maybe I’ll just nick one TINY pebble from the beach and make do with that. A whole Island would be too high-maintenance in any case 🙂
Sx
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Do you know Alex Hartley’s project Nowhere Island? http://www.nowhereisland.org/
Love those Devon photos, gorgeous skies
Owch on the horse fly bites – Hope the swelling’s reduced by now xxx
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Lulu – I missed that one! What a great idea! I will explore more.
The swelling has gone, which I’m pleased about. I was worried the bite would get infected, but with liberal cleansing with surgical spirit I seem to have dodged that bullet.
Sx
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Once you’ve got over that horrid horsefly bite, invaded Lundy and installed yourself as Queen, will you be issuing a set of coins with your profile on them, like “King” Whatsisname Harmon?
P.S. Ooh, I’d love to scramble over your Jurassic Coast!
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Mr Devine – For some reason I have gone off the idea of invading an island. Maybe it’s because it’s September now, and it feels a bit chilly for such pursuits. I may still go ahead with the set of coins though.
Meanwhile, I am no longer on speakers with you and Dinah as you are BOTH sniggering over the suggestion that I can no longer get a Shag. This is a hurtful, unsavoury commentary. I am hurt. BUT, I bet neither of you have a chimney full of Jackdaws, NOR a bird box with a Wagtail. HA!
Sx
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A thousand apologies, Ms Scarlet. I am just bitter because, here in the East, I’ll never get a Shag – I would have to drive a long way north (or west) to experience one, and I don’t think it’d be worth the bother (despite what all the Shags on birdr say otherwise).
And I’ll thank you not to taunt me with your Wagtail!
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I will forgive you, Mr Devine, I know that you were led astray by Dinah, and her wicked way with words.
When the time comes I will see if I can get some pictures of my jolly Wagtail.
Sx
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Oooh – isn’t that Steepholm?! We used to be able to see that from Wales when we were kids, and I often made plans to become its Emperor. Never happened, of course, and now I’m in London I suppose the Isle of Sheppey is the nearest prospect. I suspect I could probably get that on eBay for a few quid, buyer collects. Jx
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Jon – The Bristol Channel seems to be awash with available islands! The one here is Lundy – the one with the Puffins.
God, have you ever been to the Isle of Sheppey? I went once. What a peculiar experience that was. I went to a ‘club’ – but it was really a village hall with silver foil fringing and a glitter ball.
Sx
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I have managed to successfully avoid the “joys” of Sheppey. Perhaps if I became its Emperor, I could shake up the entertainment potential a bit. Just the one glitterball…?! Jx
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You’ll have your work cut out! Yes, just the one glitter ball. You could probably give the place a pop with with a couple of paper chains and some flashing fairy lights – it wouldn’t take a lot.
Sx
I will admit that my visit was in the early nineties, but still!
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Wow, nowhereisland ended up in Bristol, my present home. I thought I could feel something in my water.
Lundy has the great merit of having a pub, whereas in Greenland — well, can you distill whale blubber?
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Looby – No, I can’t distill whale blubber so I think I’ll leave Greenland to its own devices. Crikey, Canvey Island is now beginning to look attractive.
Sx
P.S I’m having a lot of bother getting your site to open – I’m sure it will sort itself!
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Oh dear Ms Scarlet. I am always open and willing to receive you at any hour. I will ask the hirelings about your entrance.
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I am still struggling with it Looby – it says there’s no server or some such.
Sx
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If you’ve been to Benidorm then you will be familiar with the wildlife sanctuary Peacock Island or Isla de Benidorm to give it it’s official name, it’s about a mile or so out to sea from the mainland. I’ve often sat at a café sipping aperol spritz, gazing out to sea and wondering what life would be like living on the uninhabited island away from the common Benidorm mob. If we clubbed together we could buy it, get rid of the wildlife and open it up as a burdel, have a lighthouse built, not for navigation purposes but to let needy sailors and fishermen far and wide know that when the red light is flashing we’re open for business. Ferry services to and from the island will be provided, see the day’s out tourism leaflet available at all hotels.
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Mitzi – Sadly, I have not been to Benidorm, but Peacock Island sounds perfect – in name and location. You appear to be the ideal business partner with obvious business sense, and an eye for a gap in the market. When can we start??? [It’s not like I have anything to prove to Dinah, or Mr Devine, but the sooner we start the better].
Sx
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Help me out here. Didn’t you discover Mogwash? So you could claim to be the Queen/Empress/Duchess/Lady of Mogwash. You should apply for Mogwash to be recognized by the United Nations. I don’t know the size of Mogwash but it might claim the title of the smallest nation. Greenland is too big to handle. Quality over quantity – right?
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Bill – I am a lady of Mogwash. Why did I not make myself Queen??? I suppose it’s not that sort of place. I will have to think about all this.
Sx
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I second Mr Devine. If Martin Harman could declare himself King of Lundy in the 1920s, then you could surely declare yourself Her Majesty the Imperial Queen of Lundy and make the existing 28 or so residents your loyal subjects. You wouldn’t even need the 60p and the luncheon voucher. It’s yours for the taking!
I wouldn’t pursue the golf course idea. It would only attract undesirables like Donald Thump.
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Nick – A week later, and I have completely gone off the idea of declaring myself anything. You see, I am fickle! This week I just want to huddle indoors and turn the heating on.
Sx
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Puffins would be ideal for a golf course, since they would make the holes. But you’re right, they might not take kindly to having their nests invaded by golf-balls, even if in your case they would presumably not also have to be faced with a loud-mouthed orange person.
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Mr Auty – No Oompa trumpers allowed on my island!!!
Sx
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