Swede Dreams

42 Replies

Ilaid back on my chaise longue, which is a worn purple velvet affair swamped with grubby throws and cushions, Charmaine loomed above me – glasses poised at the end of her nose – notebook and pencil in hand.

“I have to practice, Aunt Scarlet, now close your eyes and relax”

I muttered something about wishing I’d taught her modern calligraphy. It was my own fault that I was now being subjected to Charmaine’s latest fancy, which was to train as a dream counsellor.

“Would you like to have a go with my vintage 303 nib?” I asked, with a pleading intonation.

Charmaine ignored me and chewed the end of her pencil as she flicked through her notebook. She looked displeased, and in exasperation she threw the notebook aside and took a huge tome from a picnic basket that she had dragged into my studio from the hallway. The huge tome thudded onto my desk causing my collection of tiny bears to topple over.

Opening the Dictionary of Dreams, Charmaine thumbed through the pages in an expert fashion, but couldn’t seem to find what she was looking for. I knew this because her brows had knitted themselves into a puzzled frown.

“So you’re saying that he was creeping up to your house across a muddy field? He looked like a scarecrow and every time you looked out of the window he froze and stood still? He wasn’t chasing you? You were making soup? And you felt strongly that it was Autumn, and that the scarecrow was Swedish?”

“I didn’t say he was Swedish! I said he was a swede! Look you silly girl, it was exactly like this…”

Charmaine’s brows unravelled to reveal a wide-eyed expression and I swear she looked almost relieved, but also a tad annoyed. In my defence I seldom remember my dreams, but she was so keen; I didn’t think it would hurt to be inventive.

42 thoughts on “Swede Dreams”

  1. Peter Wells aka Countingducks

    “A Dream Counsellor!” That’s an interesting idea. The whole post made me smile but I can’t leave without expressing anguish at the news that her exasperated act with the hallowed tome led to ” my collection of tiny bears to topple over.” I can only hope that this earthquake did not cause any of them a permanent injury or trauma!”

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    1. Scarlet Post author

      Please don’t worry, Mr Ducks, I have now put all the tiny bears on the mantelpiece – they will be safe there. And they have completely recovered from their toppling!
      Sx

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  4. batarde

    An animated, cannibalistic scarecrow? Have you been making free with the cheese of an evening, Scarlet? Still, it could be worse, as I shall shortly demonstrate under separate cover. Nice to hear from young Charmaine again, who is much missed here at Batarde Towers. As is my picnic basket – you might care to mention that to her in passing. 🙂

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    1. Scarlet Post author

      I know Mr Batarde, that scarecrow is a cannibal! I wish I’d worked that into my story.
      I bet everyone thought I’d forgotten the picnic basket in the hallway; it has been a trip hazard since 2016.
      Sx

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  5. Inexplicable DeVice

    Until the words “dream counsellor” came up, I though Charmaine was training to be Leonardo Di Caprio, and you, therefore, had been roped in to play Kate Winslet (just without the funny business)! I don’t know whether I’m glad or not that it didn’t come to pass…?

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    1. Scarlet Post author

      Mr Devine, it is true, my blog does have the whiff of The Titanic about it. I shall keep the orchestra playing and then I will cling to a random piece of furniture ( possibly a chair ) until my big end goes under.
      Sx

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      1. Scarlet Post author

        I’ll get my inflatable rubber ring down from the loft just in case it’s needed – which it might be given the current weather.
        Did you have the National Grid power cut? I did.
        Sx

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      2. Inexplicable DeVice

        “National Grid”? We don’t allow such things across our borders. Norfolk only has electricity when we get a well placed lightning strike.

        Just don’t ask how we get on the internet…

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    1. Scarlet Post author

      Dinah – I wouldn’t really let Charmaine get her mitts on my vintage nib.
      I watched too much of the haunted doll Youtube and now I have been cursed with a headache.
      Sx

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  7. Mitzi

    You’re like psychic Sally! I had soup today, Baxter’s spicy tomato and rice I couldn’t be arsed to cook and whilst rummaging through some drawers I found some gothic/old English script transfers in gold, I went to view a house during the week it was called Gynna a Swedish word meaning benefit I won’t say what I thought it meant and I’ve also learnt they are making a reboot of Worzel Gummidge he looks horrendous like Freddie Kruger. Thank you for the reading.

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  8. Scarlet Post author

    Mitzi – It seems our lives are running parallel! Although as I read of you rummaging in your drawers I thought you were going to pull out a pair of gothic knickers. Apparently gothic knickers are a thing.
    Sx

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  9. nick

    No more soup for me. I don’t fancy some swede-shaped weirdo barging in and demanding a spoonful. Especially if he leaves a trail of mud across my freshly hoovered Axminster.

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    1. Scarlet Post author

      Mr Rimpington-Smythe – Do you know, I’m not sure I’ve ever eaten swede. I don’t like turnips, and I had a ghastly parsnip experience in 1978. I don’t feel that you have missed much.
      Sx

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      1. 63mago

        I wonder what will happen when the moustached man returns and finds a wet, mud-dripping happily and perversely vegetable soup sipping swede in his clearly clean kitchen ? Will the swede be axed ? Will Charmaine describe it and live out her wildest swede dreams ? Oh, la la …

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Scarlet Post author

        I wonder too! Surely a sequel should have been made….it would probably feature a box of Persil, a Gtex Air Ram, and some new furniture from Mr Beastie’s imaginary Walnut World.
        Sx

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  15. 63mago

    I had no idea about “Gtex Air Ram” (sounds a bit like a tool out of a computer game) and had to search for it. That brought me to this video of a man using an Air Ram. Don’t get excited, it’s not an Infomaniac production, but it nevertheless satisfied my viewing curiosity …

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    1. Scarlet Post author

      I want one!!! I have wanted one for ages and ages. Do you think someone will give me an Air Ram if I promise to make a video with it? The FGES could feature.
      Sx

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  16. lisleman

    Strange coincidence – just two nights ago (before reading this post) I had a dream, a creative dream I would say, where a large insect with multiple long legs/arms was menacing me. I slashed the bugger with a stick and sent it flying across the room. Then I picked up a pet alligator (I don’t know anyone owning a pet alligator – do you?) and tried to entice it to eat the remains of the bug.
    I’m certain a vegetable headed scare crow singing in the rain would a much more enjoyable dream.

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    1. Scarlet Post author

      Bill – I think you had a nightmare, not a dream! I hate insect dreams!
      Maybe you should have sort a Gtec Air Ram instead of an alligator to clear up the mess… at least you won the battle.
      Sx

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    1. Scarlet Post author

      Eryl – Bless Charmaine! She thinks that carrying the picnic hamper makes her look cute and quirky, which is apparently more important than keeping her belongings dry! It’s not a big hamper, but big enough for a few large books and a jumper – it also doubles up as a cat carrier, should the need arise.
      Sx

      Liked by 1 person

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