….lend me your wallets….
Old blogging chum Gyppo Byard has designed an Insult Generator, and it works!!! It is fabulous, I used it this morning to yell at the telly. AND, our friends in the US seem to love it too. With this in mind I have come up with a cunning plan to shore up the British bank vaults…. yes, I am stealing Mr Byard’s generator and will be opening The British Insult Shop on Etsy. I am positive that my US chums will be clamouring at my door wanting me to pen an insult for them. Think about it – the pound has fallen so you can get more insults to the dollar. I will also be offering the luxury version – The Gilded Insult. I will be away talking percentages with Mr Byard and working on designs, but for now, here is a preliminary sketch….
Nigel Farage?
Please wish me well with this new venture.
Sx
Wonky Words 
Ah, seeking the golden lining in the darkest clouds, I see.
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Indeed, Mr Grey! Where there’s muck there’s brass!
Thank you for your comment. I am feeling isolated and downgraded.
Sx
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I now need to find an occasion to call someone a “Witless Cock Trumpet”. It won’t take me long… Jx
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Hello Jon! Over the next few months I will have more insults to bandy around, I’m sure they will come in handy…. I may even make a set of pocket sized insult cards so that we are never again lost for a creative insult.
Sx
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Count me in! Jx
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This definitely expands my active vocabulary ! Thank You both.
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My pleasure, Mr Mags!
Sx
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Brilliant! I’m thinking the US market would also go for some fancy Shakespeare-themed ones as well: “Inexecrable sodden-witted bugbear!”
Available in handy flip chart format from here.
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Oh my word!!! Thank you, Mr Lax!!! This may lead to a post titled: Yet Another Book on a Chair!!
I must check to see if they sell this on Amazon UK.
Sx
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Now I have to think “Queneau” all the time : Billions of poems (Eng.), Zazie & On est toujours trop bon avec les femmes …
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Quite so, Mr Mags!!
Sx
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What an enterprising idea! The gold letters will definitely make my insults feel classy! I shall feel like the Dowager Countess of Downton Abbey the next time I’m cut off in traffic or discover that someone has eaten the last slice of pizza, & I have to convey my displeasure in the most intense & sophisticated manner possible! It will surely add majesty & culture the next time I flourish my raised middle finger to get my point across. Even in these troubling times, you manage to remain dignified & aplomb, & nonplussed at all the chaos. Carry on with the fabulous work!
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Nonplussed!!! Thank you, Mr Swings!!! This is exactly what I am!! And also displeased. When nonplussed and displeased I do indeed advocate hurling a few insults around and then stomping off in a huff – it is a decision of sorts.
Sx
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Where are you Dinah???? Where are you Monsieur Pain????
I am having an identity crisis, with a smidge of paranoia and insecurity thrown in just to spice the heady mix.
Sx
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I once saw a list of insults from Shakespeare plays. Nobody can insult like the British. The comments almost sound dignified, which they, of course, are not.
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Oh, finally you are here Monsieur Pain!!!
I am going to read the entire works of Shakespeare as a distraction from this current political turmoil then at least I will be well prepared for the next political turmoil.
Sx
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I’m sorry about the political upheaval but the crashing pound is the only way I’ll ever be able to afford London again, so it’s necessary.
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Ha Ha!!! Yes, there is always a silver lining!
For all my US friends – I am putting the kettle on and I have bought extra HobNobs – see you soon!!
Sx
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The downside is that I won’t be hearing any of those charming clipped British accents around Rockefeller Center at Christmastime. Who can afford it?
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Steady on old chap, things aren’t quite that bad. Yet.
Sx
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Oh, Scarlet, pet! You have got yourself in a bit of a dither over this Euro mess. Chin up, chuckles, we’ll ride it out.
Failing that, we could start with Nigel face-like-a-barrage-balloon Farage. I see he’s scampered off to hide behind his mummy’s skirts.Boris, too.
But if we in this outpost of Empire can scrape together some legal tender we can come down to Devon for a picnic with you.A proper picnic. with decent crocks in a wicker basket and crystal flutes for the champers. Naturally.Perhaps, if funds allow, I could buy a Range Rover.Well, god knows those sodden-witted bugbears have completely buggered the railways.
Oh wait! It looks as though we’re going to be stuck with Mr.Ineffectual for another three years.Oh dear, funds may not accumulate at the rate I’d hoped.
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At least that ghastly Leadsom woman has thrown in the towel, Dinah. She has the whiff of an Avon lady about her….. not that I have anything against Avon ladies…. I’m just not keen on the idea of one leading the country.
What is this talk of picnics??? Sod the picnic, let’s sit by the fire and cook crumpets; summer is being elusive this year – just to add to our woes.
Sx
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hahaha cock trumpet, oh that did make me laugh out loud, what else can we do?! I shall be telling Mother of this new insult, she will find it most useful. Keep up the good work M’Lady, you keep us in high spirits x ps I would love a pocket set of insult cards, never seem to have the right one come to mind when the oppurtunity arises
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Thank you, Lou!!! It seems that this concept has more legs than I originally thought…. maybe it will come to fruition!
Sx
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Oh yes, I foresee a definite market: it’s the contrast between the restrained refinement of your calligraphy and the, ahem, vigour of the sentiments expressed. Perhaps a spin-off line of printed postcards? The world needs something new after those captioned photos and 50s ads…..
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Thank you, Mr Auty!! I am now up to my eyes in Witless Cock Trumpets…. but I am going to turn it to my advantage 🙂
Sx
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Playing cards! “I’ll raise you a dither-witted wanker!” “I think you’ll find my cock trumpet flush betas you.”
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I’ve often thought cursing at someone with Latin words would be more acceptable and powerful. The beautiful golden script you create will have people treasure getting a big F-You or F-Off from their enemies. Then for a premium price you could use Latin. For the 1% of the 1% offer a stone carved tablet version. Sophisticated insults could be the next big thing.
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Yes Bill!! I am imagining some moody Gothic in Latin!! I am writing down all of these ideas…. do you think the price of postage for stone tablets to the US might be prohibitive? Ack, it’ll be worth it!
Sx
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You need to keep up-selling this stuff. For just ? money you can have your stone insult delivered in the ark of the insult. But be careful, you might just start an insult cult. BTW – did you ever heard of the various complaint choruses around the world? You can find clips of them on youtube.
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I will go and Google these complaint chorus’s…. sounds extremely British. I am hoping that we will be able to go back to simply complaining about the weather some time soon.
Sx
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My maid of all work, the cock hungry she baboon Carmen, wants to know if there will be a food shortage when the United States of Germany take their revenge, all she can think about is her belly.
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Do not worry, Mitzi!!! Carmen will be fine…. I have been stock-piling tins of spam since 1981. I am the sort of woman who always carries a bottle of Tea tree oil and a wad of tissues in my handbag. I am always prepared for disaster.
Sx
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Unfortunately it turns out that I can’t write beautiful words like you because I’m a tiny-fingered spoon weasel
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I have got to write that out Lulu!! Thank you!
Sx
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I’ll take one please! And a handbag-sized pack of the gilded insults to send to my friend in the U.S. in case she forgets how to name-call properly.
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Done, Mr Devine! I am in talks with the local WI regarding a calligraphy insult workshop…. this idea is going to fly.
Sx
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I was thinking Michael Gove but I’m not convinced he’s witless. That’s Boris. Classy idea it should do well.
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Thank you, Pat, I shall put your name down for a set of gilded insults!
Sx
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These make great passwords, too!
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*Starts hacking Mr Kinky’s accounts*
Sx
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An insult generator? I always thought we Brits had so many vicious and poisonous insults up our sleeves we had no need of an insult generator. Anyone who needs such a thing is surely just a pea-brained fluff-headed knuckle-dragging simpleton.
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I come out with some strange strangled vowels when I am in a tis, Nick, the generator might help to tone me down a bit!
Sx
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Yesterday when I was watching Le Tour on TV, the race commentators had some interesting remarks about Montmorillon. They said the city was noted for its bookbinding, typewriter museum, and CALLIGRAPHY!
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Thank you, Mr Lax, I shall look it up!
Sx
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Oh, yes. I want a gilded insult. Can you make it bigoted too? I’ll be paying in euros, so I expect it to be particularly vile.
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I am on it, Ms Tara!! Bigoted and extra big!! Payment in diamonds will be fine.
Sx
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I applaud you ability to seek light in any situation. Mr Farage made me embarrassed to be English when he spoke at the Brussel’s assembly. The insult generator is a brilliant idea and I can see millions winging their way to your grateful bank account. On the basis of mere affection, I offer you one of mine which has come in handy when meeting the odd prejudiced or insufferable bore. “Good day to you ……. I must say, meeting you has been a thoroughly second rate experience” and then smile and walk off. Hope it helps you in some way or another. 🙂
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Ha Ha!!! Thank you, Mr Ducks…. I will write that down. I now have so much written down that I have to take a full size trailer wherever I go…. almost a full library of notes….. yeah…. think I should learn how to store my jottings in a digital format..
Sx
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“Witless Cock Trumpet” … The text version can be WCT.
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Thank you, Ms Mistress…. I have a blurry idea!! So much work to do before embarking on a new post…
Sx
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(As an American English speaker, I sometimes feel like I’m reading a foreign language in this space. It’s hilarious, and yet?? So many strange new words/nuances. Maybe this is what my 2yo experiences. He gets most of what we say but sometimes I get the feeling he’s laughing just because everyone else is.) Anyway, British insults are far superior to ours. Ours seem to require the effword, and that’s likely the reason we love the Generator. Off to spread new insults!
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Apologies Amy for my late response…. I am just marvelling at how fast Americans speak!! Speak your insults slowly 🙂
Sx
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I was convinced I came here and left a gift.
Witless Cock Trumpet sounds like the name of my local pub. It isn’t, in fact I can’t remember what it is called but I know it involves cocks. Where would we all be without a cock or two?
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I’m convinced I was here to? Maybe we are living in an alternate reality.
Sx
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This has nothing to do with the above post. Really after these many comments it must be a relief to get a comment not related to the now (by internet measures) OLD post.
My youtube curiosity had me watching this clip about a flapper and a panda. Since your icon/picture/tag thing for wordpress appears to be a flapper I though you might enjoy this clip too. Here’s the link
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Crikey, Bill…. don’t Americans talk fast? Do all Americans talk this fast? Americans would find me frustrating…. I sort of mutter and mumble…. and have a lot of ellipses between my words….
Sx
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They talk much slower in the south – Georgia, Tennessee, Alabama, and that general region. I think it’s the heat and high humidity that causes it.
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Did you know there is a smashing cake for you over at Savannaha’s? I’m green!
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More cake???!!! Excellent!!!
Sxxx
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I missed all the cake 😦 I blame the French, of course 🙂
Hello! I’m back. Sorry to have caused any confusion.
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Oh, you’re already aware (I’ve just seen you’ve posted a comment at mine – just poping back there now).
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