Dr. Clive Mutterfort DGM, MRCOG, MClinPscychol, MFFP, DCH, PhD, GCSE looked up from his colouring book and gestured for me to be seated on the Chesterfield sofa opposite his desk. After 30 minutes or so he packed away his crayons and gave me his full attention.
‘Oh, I’m so sorry, I don’t appear to be relevant to this post; there seems to have been some sort of administrative cock-up.’ He said, rummaging through my medical notes, ‘Oh… hang on a moment…. there is this… it was delivered last week… it’s a meme from some chap called Mr Device, he’s requesting answers to some devilishly difficult questions in reference to your musical memories…. just relax and answer as truthfully as possible…. no need to answer with proper sentences or complicated grammar… just say the first thing that comes into your head.’
I leant back in the sofa, closed my eyes, and prepared myself for unconscious waffle. I heard Dr Mutterfort unscrewing his hip flask before asking, ‘What does music mean to you?‘
I frowned and concentrated hard. ‘Music can be a better representation of emotion than words… music reaches further than the mind.’
‘Is that all you’ve got to say?’ Asked Dr Mutterfort.
‘Yes, let’s not get too soppy…or philosophical.’
I heard Dr Mutterfort polishing his golf clubs, eating a blueberry muffin from M&S, and ironing a shirt. He was obviously thinking about Freud, but was desperate not to show it.
‘WHAT IS YOUR FIRST MUSIC RELATED MEMORY?’ Shouted Dr Mutterfort in my left ear, taking me completely by surprise.
‘Erm…. Arthur Askey…. And His Silly Little Songs, specifically The Bee Song….
…my mum had a portable record player, which was the size of a small suitcase. The speakers made up the lid and were detachable. It was possible to stack several records on the turntable so that when one had finished there was another ready to drop down to be played. I used to spend hours sitting on the sofa eating Opal Fruits whilst listening to records, Arthur Askey was a favourite along with Peter and the Wolf, Lady and the Tramp, and The Jungle Book.’
There was a long silence and I pondered whether Dr M had left the room.
‘Are you still there, Dr Mutterfort? DR MUTTERFORT????’
‘So sorry, my child, I had cottonwool stuffed in my ears, shall we move on swiftly to the next question….What was the first album you ever purchased yourself?‘
‘Do I have to say???? Really????? Do I have to??? Okay, well seeing as you asked it was David Essex. I bought it with my birthday money. To be fair I didn’t really like David Essex but my older sister did, and I bought it in an effort to appear grown up. I was 9. The track called ‘Window’ scared the living daylights out of me so as soon as ‘Gonna Make You a Star’ had finished I’d run to the record player and lift the needle to skip it….
….I think it must have been all the screaming at the end that chilled me and I….”
‘Yes, yes, yes… I think we get the idea, can we move on… what is the latest music you purchased?‘
‘One Strike by All Saints….’
I could hear Dr Mutterfort bopping around the consulting room. It was obvious that he was liking All Saints. Sounding out of breath he flopped back in the seat behind his desk before asking me the final question, ‘What is he very last song you listened to before writing this post?‘
‘Cake by the Ocean by DNCE…. it’s difficult not to hear this at the moment because it’s officially played on the radio after every ten minutes….
….and it features cake, so what’s not to love?’
I could hear Dr Mutterfort’s eyebrows creak as he raised them, ‘I don’t think it means actual cake.’ He replied.
I sighed, read through the post I’d just written, and wondered what Arthur Askey would have made of DNCE.
If anyone would like to do this Meme then please feel free to do so. Ay-Thang-Yaw.