Way back in June 2011, Wendy, a regular commenter on my old Scarlet Blue blog, made the following request:-
Scarlet, could you start an agony aunt column? My friends have so many problems and I’m sure your insightful feedback would steer them in the right direction.
For example:-
I’ve got a friend in their late 50’s, very GEEKY with a real anorak, inability to button shirt in the right holes, cardigan, bum-fluff beard, bald, and knows more trivia on Dr Who than the whole Dr Who production team put together. Anyway, he’s in love with Mario (Big Brother contestant last year), and keeps on talking about it. Currently I smile and talk back as if Mario were a friend of my friend. I suspect my friend is internet stalking Mario without realising it.
what should I do? If anything.
Originally I felt overwhelmed by Wendy’s request…. who was I to deal with other people’s problems? Who am I to tell other people what to do with their lives? What do I know? And then I thought, what the hell, I’ll give it a whirl….
Dear Wendy,
Many apologies for such a tardy response. Please do not worry about your friend, he is simply ahead of his time! In 2015, it would be considered odd not to have a passing fancy for Dr Who. As for his dress sense and facial accumulation, well, again, truly ahead of his time, and it’s probable that he was one of the original Shoreditch Hipsters. If I were you I would buy a house next door to him [in Hipster areas house prices tend to go through the roof], and jot down any fashion tips that come your way. Does he now has his own lifestyle blog? Does he wax lyrical about whittling spoons beneath the stars in a Sussex woodland… and then sell them for £1,180 a pop from a stall in Old Spitalfields Market?
I’m sure that back in June 2011 your friend seemed a little incongruous, but in 2015 he fits right in!
Moving on to the Mario situation… Oh!! You mean Mario the Mole!!! Z list celebs such as Mario are created for our entertainment; I am sure they know exactly what they are getting themselves into when they sign up for the BB experience, namely financial reward and fleeting fame. After leaving the BB House they have a porthole of opportunity to cash in on their popularity before public interest wanes. Quite frankly, Mario should be grateful for your friend’s adoration.
I am assuming your friend is male? If your friend is female, and is unhappy, then perhaps a trip to her GP would be advisable? A female with a button disability is worrisome and beyond my remit, I can only suggest velcro.
Warmest Regards,
Scarlet xxx
If anyone would like to feature their problem on this blog then my email address can be found on my ‘About’ page. Thank you, I look forward to reading your dilemmas.
Wonky Words 
I have “a friend” who seems to be overly fixated on the hipsters and Starbucks® that have overrun his town that was once dominated by yuppies and rednecks when he first moved there in 1981. Should he move elsewhere?
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Dear Mr Lax,
Is this the same friend who is fixated on winning things on blogs? No matter, I suggest that he stays put until the Hipsters have raised the house prices beyond expectation, and then he could easily move to Berlin… or Bristol, if he so wishes.
I hope this helps,
Scarlet xxx
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Ooh, an Agony Aunt column! What fun! And judging by your response to poor Wendy’s problem, it seems you have what it takes.
I have oodles of problems that I need advice with, so I’ll have a think about which may be most important and email you with it. In the meantime, I’m worried about the amount of problems I seem to have accumulated. Is this normal? Should I start hexing people who cause problems? And after how long in the oven should I turn chipolatas (I’m not in the oven, the chipolatas are)?
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Yes, Mr Devine, the Agony Aunt to end all Agony Aunts is here!! I think a post about Worry is due… and there may be a series of posts regarding those problematic chipolatas.
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OH! At last – a problem column with proper suggestions and solutions! This is something that has been sadly lacking since the demise of the old “Woman” magazine and Marjorie Proops.
Really, who else but a woman of your cutting edge intellect would have suggested velcro. I do hope more readers will take advantage of your sage advice.I shall certainly tell my antique dealer/designer friends. (God knows they need it)
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Please tell everyone, Dinah! I will put the world to rights… and if I can’t, then I will find a man with a van who can.
Hopefully there will be further sage advice, some parsley sauce, an adventure with thyme, and a nice outing with rosemary.
Sx
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You went to the shelf with the old lps again ?
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Indeed, I was humming that very ditty 🙂
Sx
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That’s amazing. My friend is very happy and regularly goes to circle dancing in fields, wearing very loud hats, with other hipster dudes. Your advice is spot on. I’m beginning to think I’m the one with a problem and should get my hat out more often.
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I am so sorry that it took me so long to reply to your query, Wendy! But, this does prove the old adage that time heals! And also that loud hats are the next big thing!!!
Sx
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Hipsters – they only stay hip if they can remain incongruous. Sooner or later they will either miss the trend or get stuck in the trend and become last month’s fad. I probably could not provide popular advice to anyone. Good luck.
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I think you are right, Bill, it is all to easy to get stuck in a trend… I think I am stuck in 2003. Previous to this I was stuck in 1984. We all need a bit of shaking up every now and then… I am due for a transformation.
Sx
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Is “Why Me” too general? Can you work with that or do you need specifics?
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Er… a few details would be helpful, Monsieur Pain!! When I was younger I had a poster on my bedroom wall that said, Why me? One day I noticed a little scribble had been added at the bottom, which said, Why not? Bless my Mum! I still grit my teeth like a sulky teen whenever I think of it.
Sx
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I’m a bit out of sync, perhaps even dis-oriented. All I know is that in Spitalfield Mr. Severs had a house that once belonged to the Jarvis family. And who on earth would want a wooden spoon ?
Many young men now grow beards, maybe a Taliban-thing ? Sad to see them wearing uniforms voluntarily. Anyway, they’ll grow out of it (as we did), but it seems to take a little longer nowadays – GOd I sound like an old geezer …
Mr. Mole, “BB” – you mean one can earn money by donning a cheap party costume ? It’s a party gag, think it would go stale when repeated too often, but broadcasting time must be used at all cost, seemingly.
BTW the costume is not by Princess, so I wouldn’t wear it anyway.
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Ha! I used to work in Folgate Street! I didn’t have a clue what was going on around me at the time. I remember that there was a furrier opposite who allegedly kept setting light to his stock and claiming on his insurance. I think things have changed since I was there!
Beards, yes, hopefully just a fad. So unhygienic. And I agree wearing voluntary uniform is an oddity, especially when the wearers are claiming to be on the side of individuality – oxymoronic?
Meanwhile, where is Princess?
Sx
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Lost for words. No really, I’ve lost them somewhere and I can’t summon enough of them to say how spiffing this advice thing is. Could you extend it to catering advice. “I can’t think what to have for my evening meal and I’ve run out of eggs ” for example. Often more heart-wrenching than mere romance I find
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Well, Mr Ducks, velcro is often the answer. But not for an evening meal. Even I, in my addled state, know that.
How about something that doesn’t need eggs? How about the tin of Spam that’s been sitting at the back of the larder for the last 15 years???
I know… don’t thank me…. I was obviously born to be an Agony Aunt.
SX
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Ooh, a challenge! I do so dearly love a challenge. And judging by the above advice, Mrs Mills should be out of a job. I do have a dilemma involving a vacuum cleaner and three ageing tenors. Let me think on it and see if articulation of same would result in an international crisis.
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Hello and Welcome, Ms Tara!
I would love to hear more about the three ageing tenors and the vacuum cleaner! Without knowing more I will advise that a well angled crevice attachment can clear the most stubborn blockage, but the international crisis will have to be postponed until Sunday due to preparations for the Eurovision Song Contest.
Sx
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You had to go and mention the Eurovision… and we didn’t make it!! But look, as soon as the sobbing stops, I’ll have a chat to the tenors with the blockages and see how diplomatic I’m feeling…
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Dear Scarlet,
I’m in love with my dentist but he doesn’t seem to get my hints:
Him-Someday I’ll give you a medal. You’re my most patient patient.
Me- You can do whatever you want to me… **seducting voice**
He laughed, silly and naughty, as he opened my mouth and …
tightened my brackets until he made me cry!!!
What would you recommend?
Leni (afflicted patient) 😦
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((I meant seductive voice, seducting him!!! (bl**dy self-correction…)
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